A Letter to my Beloved...
March 7, 2007

Dear Jared,

I regret to inform you that it's time for me to pack you into a crate (with foam peanuts of course), address it to an obscure foreign country, neglect to include the return address, and drop you off at the local UPS Store. I understand that you're probably confused by what's about to happen. For your own clarity and peace of mind I will kindly explain why I must be shipping you off.

Earlier this afternoon you called to tell me that you'd be coming home early. "Fantastical!" I thought. I kindly asked you to pick up a few items at Sam's Club and you lovingly agreed. "Very Fantastical!!" I thought, and I began to list the items that we need in our household at this time....

me: ummm...go ahead and pick up some wipes, some granola bars, and those peanut butter crackers that you like in your lunch. Sarah gave me a whole pack of size four diapers, so we don't need any. I'm sure that the size fours will fit.

you: oooohhh...I don't think they'll fit. He's a size five.

Jared, this was mistake number one. You are a full time student and I am a full time stay-at-home-mom. You learn about neurological paths and spinal radiology during the day--I learn about playground etiquette [FYI: always beg apology when your kid wipes his nose on another mom's jeans], disguising broccoli as candy, and toddler wrestling/diapering. You are an expert in your field and I am an expert in mine. I felt that it was both inappropriate and unwise to question my professional judgement.

me: Ok, well go ahead and pick up a box of size fives...it's not like we won't use them!
you: I don't know...you really think we'll be able to use all of those diapers before James is potty trained?

This, Jared, was mistake number two--a very, very, very serious mistake. As you know, James is not yet two. Most boys tend to be potty trained around three, and a large package of diapers from Sam's club lasts approximately 6 weeks. Based on my calculations, we will most definitely use up the diapers; unless of course you're seriously expecting our son to be potty trained on or around his second birthday. Now Jared, who would provide such a miraculous service--Jo the Super Nanny? Mary Poppins? Mrs. Doubfire? The Potty Fairy? Yo Mama?

I have proven myself time and time again as a loving, caring and capable mother. Please consider the following evidence: my favorite time of day is 11:45am because the Elmo's World segment fills me up with good feelings; I subscribe to Parent Magazine, Parenting Magazine, and Child Magazine; I wear coordinating sweatsuit outfits; I know that an iguanadon is roughly the length of a city bus; and I once tried to poach a nanny at the park. These factors alone demonstrate that I am a seasoned professional.

In short, your input was much less than appreciated. I hope you have a safe journey and enjoy your time with the natives.

Amy B. Lawson, F.T.-S.A.H.M.

No comments: