Comment of the Week

January 10, 2007

No doubt about it--the comment of the week goes to my faithful reader Allison. Get a load of this:

amy, as a faithful blog reader.. i've missed you!!! i hope you get settled soon, and get back to your frequent postings!!! (im hoping for more than once a day ;) )

Thanks Allison, I'm so glad to know that I've been missed because there's certainly been a void in my life without the frequent, compulsive posting. My daily blog habits down in Texas provided me with feelings of self-worth, inner-peace, and a very convincing--albeit false--sense of productivity. I genuinely hope to return to my habits in the next couple of weeks, and regain my identity as an over educated babysitter who loves to share the delicate details of her husband's personal grooming habits.

In the mean time, I'd like to give you, my faithful readers, a comprehensive update on my life. I realize that I've left you largely in the dark, and I'd like to offer you an apology and a well-crafted excuse. So here goes...

A few weeks before we left Texas, I had blogging on the brain big time. I was wondering if I should change my title, I was developing strategies to increase my readership, and I was starting to worry that I share too many details of my life with total strangers. My fearful feelings were induced by two of my favorite bloggers, Sue and Hollywood, who went through some major pains to make their blogs anonymous. They both assumed false identities, gave fake names to their children and spouse, and altered every single post to meet their new criteria.

And then there was me. My blog was all--Hi. My name is Amy Lawson. I live in Dallas, I drive an '89 Blazer, and I like to grocery shop at the Albertsons on Mockingbird Lane. I'm usually there on Thursday nights at seven, and I generally wear a red sweatsuit while shopping. If you'd like to see me in a jean skirt, you can find me at the Mormon church off of Ross Avenue on Sunday mornings. And if you'd like to see me in spandex pants, just peek into the windows of the YMCA by White Rock Lake--I'll be the one farting on the treadmill. Happy hunting, perverts!

Not good. But since I was moving across the country, I really didn't see the need to go back and make my blog anonymous. I simply decided that once we settled in New England, I would be more selective about the personal details that I disclose.

For example, I'm not going to let you know what town we decide to live in. You see, most towns in Maine have less than 5,000 people. Finding me would be as simple as stopping at the gas station, and asking the cashier how to find the new girl from Texas with the kid who's still in diapers. You'd have the name of my mailman, a hand drawn map to my doublewide, and a free Pepsi within sixteen seconds--I guarantee it.

I've also decided that I won't tell you about the new vehicle that we've purchased. After all, it's very unique and highly identifiable. Seriously folks, have you ever see an orange and black striped snowmobile with an airbrushed tiger face on the front? It's got an enclosed trailer on the back for James to ride in, and we all wear neon green helmets that say "BAD ASS" on the side.

Ok fine--that detail was fabricated. You really shouldn't look for a vehicle matching that description unless you want to find my father-in-law.

So that's excuse number one for my lack of posts--I've been trying to keep my life a little bit more private.

And my second excuse is equally valid--we're completely unsettled and still haven't found a place to live. We've been bouncing back and forth between my parents' house, my in-laws' house, and a family beach house that remains vacant through most of the winter.

There's no internet connection at the beach, my mom and dad just installed a wireless router at their house, and I really don't want my in-laws to think that I'm a lazy turd who lets my kid watch TV while I sit around and blog all day...even though I am. Right now, for example, I'm writing from my mother-in-law's bathroom and she thinks I've spent the last thirty minutes pooping. But really, there's only so much pooping a girl can do, so my blog time is very limited.

And there you have it, those are the only excuses I've got. Now--if you're still reading--I'll give you a brief update on our lives.

We're in the middle of an all-out real estate hunt in Maine. We're looking for a well-priced house, and a nice piece of office space within commuting distance of one another--and there's got to be room in the community for another chiropractor. That might sound easy to those of you who live in cities and suburbs, but it's quite the challenge up here in Maine.

In all seriousness, we looked at a nice house in our price range, only to find out that the neighbor two doors down runs an at-home business called "Maine Chemical and Explosive Disposal Service." I looked at my real estate agent, and I was like, "I don't care how many bathrooms this place has. I refuse to get exploded when I'm trying to paint m'damn fence!" We also looked at some office space in a "medical building" that had carpeted walls and concrete floors. I was all, "Unless that doctorate taught you how to walk perpendicular, we are not renting this place, Jared."

So the property hunt continues, the nomadic lifestyle continues, and unfortunately, the blogging drought might continue for a while, too. But I'm hopeful that we'll figure everything out in the next week or two--after all, I think my in-laws are ready to stick a bag on my head and dump me in the woods. And honestly, I can't say I blame 'em.