May 18, 2007
I have the nicest, most thoughtful Aunt in history. Trust me when I say that no one compares to my Aunt Cheryl. She sends checks that are too big, gifts that are too nice, and emails that are all too kind. She spares no expense for her nieces. I love that.
In keeping with her normal and generous ways, Aunt Cheryl *apparently* sent flowers for my graduation. But I don't know, I haven't seen them yet.
According to Aunt Cheryl, the high-on-drugs customer service specialist at 1-800-FLOWERS claimed that the delivery person came by on Monday and I wasn't home. They stopped by again on Tuesday and I still wasn't home. Not wanting to swing by again on Wednesday, the flower-delivery specialist decided to leave the flowers with a neighbor. I don't know which one. Neither does 1-800-FLOWERS.
Well, I have no flowers, but I do have some advice for flower delivery people everywhere:
Don't leave anything of value with neighbors in a highly sketchy apartment complex like mine. I have like 200 neighbors and 183 of them are on parole.
I'm mad. Seriously. Somebody stole my flowers, and I have something to say about it.
To Rick in apt #3: If you stole my flowers, then you probably gave them to your girlfriend. If so, I hope she dumps your a** because you forgot to remove the little plastic "Happy Graduation!" decoration.
To the lady who drinks a lot and never changes out of her pajamas in apt #2: If you stole my flowers, you may keep them. I would not like them back, no thank you.
To the family below us in apt #1: Esas flores no estaban para usted. Tráigalos de nuevo a mí pronto. Gracias.
To the grumpy old Russian man in apt #7: Те цветки не были для вас. Они были для меня. Я хочу их назад. Вы.
To Dave and Jen in apt #4: You have, on occasion, stolen our pizza and Chinese take-out. I can appreciate that--you were hungry and you didn't want to cook. But c'mon, give me the freaking flowers. Now.
To Tom, the unbelievably good looking man in apt #9: Congratulations on finishing nursing school. I've heard it's no walk-in-the-park. I hope you like the flowers that I sent to you.
The flowers are supposed to be re-delivered today. So far? Nothing. But I'll be sure to keep you posted on the situation.