June 12, 2007
***This story is going to provide my mother with endless amonts of stress...sorry, Mom.***
I own a bike, and it's not my ideal bike by any stretch of the imagination.In a perfect world I would have a bicycle with three speeds, streamers flowing from the handlebars, a giant seat with springs underneath, and a basket big enough to hold my cell phone, my toddler, and all of my coupons. It would also have nice, wide tires and some sort of a flashing light...just for effect.
Instead I have a freaking speed machine. You've all seen them--it weighs like 15 pounds, has 82 gears, and a seat that's small enough to fit right up the crack of my a**. Unlike my dream machine, you can't wear a straw hat while riding this bike...you absolutely must wear a helmet.
Yesterday, I rode this bike. And yesterday, I almost killed three people and five dogs.
You see, I was riding along on a designanted bike path, feeling completely out of control like I usually do. I took a sharp right and began to cross a bridge, and that's when it happened....an elderly woman (with a walker no less), stopped at the outlet of the bridge to make small talk with a man who was walking five medium sized poodles.
My first thought? "Oh schnit."
Then I fervently began to recite the Hail Mary. I was in desperate need of divine assistance, as my three options were equally bleak: hit the people, hit a gigantic "Sharp Turn" sign, or ride into the lake. If I had been on my ideal bicycle I would have happily applied the brakes, shared some coupons with the old lady, and helped James count all five dogs. But I wasn't.
Instead, I fought momentum, applied the brakes, and screamed at the top of my lungs..."MOVE IT, LADY!!! I'M CRAZY ON THIS THING, Y'ALL!!!!! Thankfully the woman and her walker complied, and took a short step back. One second later I wizzed through the middle of their conversation, quickly complimented the man on all of his barking dogs, and I was on my way. Everyone was ok...and interestingly enough, that was the very first time I've ever used the word "y'all."
So, if anyone is interested in purchasing a high-end lawsuit-waiting-to-happen, give me a call. It's pink.