Totally, Competely, Out of Control
June 12, 2007

***This story is going to provide my mother with endless amonts of stress...sorry, Mom.***

I own a bike, and it's not my ideal bike by any stretch of the imagination.

In a perfect world I would have a bicycle with three speeds, streamers flowing from the handlebars, a giant seat with springs underneath, and a basket big enough to hold my cell phone, my toddler, and all of my coupons. It would also have nice, wide tires and some sort of a flashing light...just for effect.

Instead I have a freaking speed machine. You've all seen them--it weighs like 15 pounds, has 82 gears, and a seat that's small enough to fit right up the crack of my a**. Unlike my dream machine, you can't wear a straw hat while riding this absolutely must wear a helmet.

Yesterday, I rode this bike. And yesterday, I almost killed three people and five dogs.

You see, I was riding along on a designanted bike path, feeling completely out of control like I usually do. I took a sharp right and began to cross a bridge, and that's when it elderly woman (with a walker no less), stopped at the outlet of the bridge to make small talk with a man who was walking five medium sized poodles.

My first thought? "Oh schnit."

Then I fervently began to recite the Hail Mary. I was in desperate need of divine assistance, as my three options were equally bleak: hit the people, hit a gigantic "Sharp Turn" sign, or ride into the lake. If I had been on my ideal bicycle I would have happily applied the brakes, shared some coupons with the old lady, and helped James count all five dogs. But I wasn't.

Instead, I fought momentum, applied the brakes, and screamed at the top of my lungs..."MOVE IT, LADY!!! I'M CRAZY ON THIS THING, Y'ALL!!!!! Thankfully the woman and her walker complied, and took a short step back. One second later I wizzed through the middle of their conversation, quickly complimented the man on all of his barking dogs, and I was on my way. Everyone was ok...and interestingly enough, that was the very first time I've ever used the word "y'all."

So, if anyone is interested in purchasing a high-end lawsuit-waiting-to-happen, give me a call. It's pink.


Rob & Katy said...

yo... i actually have your dream bike. her name is Happy... you haven't met. Happy brings me immense happiness until any sort of hill comes along... peddling 2 tons of metal with 3 speeds to choose from up a big ass hill in the city is no joy ride. i do have to admit i did love that when i lived in boston and rode Happy downtown, gay men everywhere would catcall to her (not me). she has an open invite to appear in th Pride parade.

patti said...

Oh Amy! I am so proud of you for yelling Y'ALL!!!

Your dream bike sounds like mine. You should check out the Trek Lime, and the Raleigh coaster. I would love either of those- but I just don't have the funds for those!

Grandma said...

did you really say that to the lady?

Toad and Sue said...

are you training for the triathlon?
you make me tired