Marathon Training: Incident #5

November 13, 2007

There's a sizable group of runners who read this blog. There's a large group of non-runners who read this blog as well. In an effort to cater to both groups, I try as hard as I possibly can to keep the running related posts completely nontechnical and universally funny. Pictures generally help.

So here, my friends, is Marathon Training: Incident #5--complete with fabulously detailed illustrations to enhance your reading experience. Enjoy!...

Last night, I decided to head to the YMCA for a six mile run on the treadmill. Yes, it's true, I hate to run on the treadmill. But do you know what I hate even more than doing my mileage indoors? Missing the skin-tight, shiny outfits on Dancing with the Stars--the thought alone puts my stomach into knots.

I wasn't about to miss Marie Osmond shaking her thang to the rumba in sexy, navy-blue sequins, so I opted to combine my two activities.

I plugged my headphones into the sound jack, set the miniature television to the correct angle, and I was happily on my way. The show distracted me beautifully, and all was well...until Cameron and Edyta began to dance the waltz. Just as they were about to execute their first dramatic dip, I had the strong and sudden urge to pass some gas.

Before I let loose, I evaluated my surroundings. The treadmill to my right was empty and the treadmill to my left was occupied by a man with headphones. I figured it was safe, so I let her rip (see Figure 1).

Figure 1


















After I did the deed, it occurred to me that there might be a person on the stairmaster directly behind my treadmill. I did a quick glance over my left shoulder, and sure enough it was occupied.

I immediately recognized the middle-aged man who was stepping his way to fitness--I see him at the gym several times a week. He seems to be about 55 years old, always wears t-shirts from the Dallas Symphony Orchestra, and his glasses make him look like a stereotypical smart person. Call me crazy folks, but I'm quite certain that people of this social stature never, ever fart.

Much to my dismay, the man on the stairmaster wasn't wearing headphones, so I'd have to try and keep the gas silent for the remainder of my workout.

It didn't work out so well (see Figure 2).

Figure 2
















Well, I thought it was going well until this happened:


















That's right. I couldn't hear myself honking, because I was plugged into my headphones. I only found out because a tall, lanky, poorly-mannered teenager stopped behind my treadmill, heard my wicked toots, and vociferously summonsed his friend over to join the fun.

Apparently, my assumption was incorrect--deliberate, silent farting is not a part of my skill set. I will adjust my resume accordingly.

44 comments:

Jess said...

Great illustrations! It was like I was there, smelling the farts!

Sarah said...

OMG! I am laughing so much, and that would be so mortifying to me! But I totally understand, my tummy gets a little overactive when I'm working out, and it REALLY sucks when it's a busy gym.

So I'm not laughing AT you, with you, I swear.

Margo said...

Love it!! Maybe the guy behind you appreciated the fact that the farts weren't silent. You know what they say about the silent types...

Sarah said...

That's hilariously embarrassing. I'd steer clear of the Y at that time of day for a bit! BTW did you get my message back on facebook...something funky happened when I pushed send. If not, let me know. And...has becky had her baby yet?

Charlotte said...

So I just had my aunt email me (assmuming i was a friend of yours)and ask me to pass along a big "Thank You" for giving her a huge chuckle. (Most of my family reads your blog now...)

I'll add my own personal thanks to hers... it takes a person truly committed to the art of humor to admit to a situation like that.

Happy farting!

Crabby McSlacker said...

I think that was the funniest thing I read all week and I love the illustrations!

And yeah, you can often totally get a read on someone's intelligence and sophistication by their choice of eyewear and workout wear at the gym. But believe me--those hoity-toity ones--they fart too. They're just better at directing suspicion elsewhere.

RunningCrazyAfter3 said...

ROFLMAO! That is hilarious that the kid really called his friend over! You probably made his day!

Rob & Katy said...

classic.

fairygrandmother said...

Amy, I have just started to read your blog. You absolutely crack me up. I love your humour. I am a Mormon in the UK and we love potty humour here! Keep up the good work, girl, and may your farts be for ever loud and unsmelly!

P.O.M. said...

Running really does move the gas around. Luckily when I run early in the morning there is nobody behind me because ... well you can imagine.

However, I have been busted by a man standing on his patio.

Tina said...

I found your blog via the web awards and you are too funny! Thanks for the stress relief laughs today.

Marathon Maritza said...

HYSTERICAL!

And also, I think it's physically impossible to run and have silent farts. I mean, seriously? How can you have that much control WHILE RUNNING?

You just can't.

chattypatra said...

Monthly membership at the gym: $35.
Workout outfit: $50.
Knocking out your treadmill neighbor with your farts: PRICELESS

I triple dare you to say "Good Morning!" with a straight face to your poor victim the next time you go to the gym. :-p

You can then post about his reaction. Hee. Love you, Amy!

akshaye said...

just stumbled across your blog.. that was hilarious :) I am laughing so hard!

Hilary said...

Who knew that there was more than one way to be winded while working out!

VERY funny. Thanks for having the intestinal fortitude to share. ;)

Amy said...

I have a horrific memory of farting in my 8th grade science class, on no less than, a wooden desk chair. It resonated throughout the room. It wasn't a sweet little-girl fluffy fart either. It happened when I sneezed, a sneeze that I plugged my nose to hold in...so it came blowing out like I was playing the tuba. Unforgettable to all my peers, evidently, since at the end of the year someone wrote "Here lies the farter" on a drawn tombstone in my yearbook.

Yup. I laugh about it now.

jkrunning said...

It happens to the best of us.

Viv said...

ROFLMAO!! Love the illustrations!

Erinclot said...

My husband has this problem- When he's in the corner doing sit-ups I can pretend I don't know him. Thanks for cracking me up, yet again!

Sue said...

Oh, MAN, that made me laugh. So funny!

Flactuating. Is that even a word? It should be.

Grandma said...

I find it funny that gassing everyone out of the place is ok, but you can call the kid who considers it entertainment poorly mannered?:)

Anonymous said...

Sue,

Yes. And the word is "Flatulate"

rita said...

ooh anonymous is back...the expert of all things!I'm so scared!

Karrie said...

What is up with running and farting? I personally think its God's way of telling us we really shouldn't be doing something as silly as training for a marathon!!!

Iggy Bloggit said...

Your intestinal discomfort was timed EXACTLY with Dancing With the Stars. coincidence? i think not!! by the way thank you for thinking of me and my marathon!! true story: somewhere around mile 15 or so, i swear i saw a girl who looked just like you in your pictures. i busied myself for a couple minutes thinking about how wonderful and thoughtful it was for amy lawson to come all the way from dallas to cheer me on my marathon.

Mary said...

Hilarious! I got into a "discussion" with a six-year-old last week about farts. She tried to tell me that she NEVER toots. I told her that even the President of the United States and the Queen of England toot, so surely she does. And I told her about the giants in the book "The BFG" who drink giant soda with bubbles goung down instead of up and then have tooting competitions!

Amy said...

You didn't try to blame it on your shoes! It's also useful to break out in loud song, complete with clapping to accompany your "drum beats". Trust me, the singing throws them off everytime.

MB said...

HAHAHAHA ... I'm so glad I read this post from home. My boss might catch on that I'm avoiding work by reading blogs if he hears me howling on the floor with laughter.

Thanks for stopping by and commenting today. I'm sure everyone at your reunion will be jealous of how amazing you look. I bet few will be able to say they run marathons.

Good night Farty McFarter :)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ...

Michemily said...

:) If this is waht you do now, I can't wait until you're too old to even know what you're doing.

jahowie said...

You are too funny!!

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

This is exactly why I had to quit karate. My form of self defense was Toot-rate. Can I hire you to do my illustrations? I honestly laughed until I cried!

~*~ Jennifer ~*~ said...

No Waaay!!

That's hilarious.

Perhaps you should practice your "silent so no one knows it's me" farting in bed. That's where my husband practices... it hasn't worked yet for him... but ya never know... it might work for you!

Few ox said...

sometimes you just have to let them rip and deal with the consequences later. I find that if you laugh about, it makes it a little less embarrassing. (just a tiny bit.)

The Big Fart said...

OMG, While I was reading this I had a MAJOR fart attack. I seriously can not stop, oohhh, there go's another one. And another one. Okay, I'm done.

Cheryl said...

You really cracked me up! Too bad Jared wasn't running next to you. He could have done a 10 mph triple flip dismount to distract everyone's attention :-) Loved the illustrations!

zandria said...

Oh, my gosh, you have got to be kidding me. This is hilarious! How embarrassing! :)

I think I've discovered a new health/fitness blog to add to my current list of favorites (thanks to Cranky Fitness for linking to your post!).

NCRunner said...

As a member of the not-so-silent running majority, thank you (and Crabby) for 10 minutes of laughing till I cried!
Methane power, who knew?

miss petite america said...

that is frickin' hilarious!! the illustrations really make the story!

Penny said...

Love the drawings. Very funny story.

Mary needs a cooler name... said...

Maybe you were lucky. Some other people weren't quite so fortunate.

Club tells pensioner to break wind outside:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/global/main.jhtml?xml=/global/2007/12/06/noindex/nwind106.xml

GinaBobina said...

Gas, glorious gas!

I do water aerobics, so that tends to disguise any flatulence during my workouts!

But I often find that while walking from my car to my apartment door I have to hurry it along because the toots come along and how embarassing it would be to run into the neighbor as the air pushes me along...doot da doo....nothing to see here! (can't guarantee there's nothing to smell!)

Great post!

Mamacita Chilena said...

hahahhaa, this was such a funny post! loved the illustrations.

But I'm not going to lie, I'm definitely laughing WITH you and not AT you because I've had a few all too similar experiences!

Pure Virtual Function said...

OMG! TOO funny.

Pure Virtual Function said...

OMG! TOO funny.