A New Twist On an Old Story

December 8, 2007

Last night, I realized something strange about myself. I have a very difficult time acting appropriately--I believe it's a trait that I've inherited from my mother. My behavior becomes particularly uncalled for when I'm in a party situation, or when I find myself surrounded by straight-laced, well mannered, conservative folks.

It's really too bad that I'm a member of a religion filled with modest people who love to throw parties. Because, holy cow you guys, I have way too much fuel for this fire that's burning inside of me.

A few years ago, Jared and I attended a "Get to Know You Game Night." There were a lot of new couples in the congregation, and we were trying to forge some new friendships. The hostess of the game night was like, "Mmmmm....I have an idea! Let's all go around and say something interesting about ourselves!"

You could almost see the wheels turning inside of people's heads. In their sweet, loving minds they were thinking, "Should I tell them that I majored in dance at BYU, or should I tell them about my two-year mission to Thailand? Boy that's a tough one."

And then, when it was my turn, I was all, "Hi, my name is Amy. Something interesting about me? Let's see..... Well I'm married to a man who used to wait tables at a very fancy restaurant. And one time, while he was taking someone's wine order, he sharted in his pants--right there at the table! Can you believe that?! Okay, I think that's all I'd like to share."

Jared shot me the deadliest stare I'd ever seen, while the girl next to me was like, "I like to quilt?"

Well, last night was my church Christmas party, and I can't say that I didn't go out without a bang.

I was walking down the hallway, looking for James, when I was intercepted by one of the kindest women I know. She was like, "Oh Amy, can you help me? I need to get forty children dressed up for the nativity play, and I don't think that I can do it by myself." Obviously, I obliged. And I managed to dress three shepherds and two angels before I spotted an unopened box of costumes.

In hopes of finding some jazzy accessories, I opened the box. And holy hotcakes, I hit the friggin' jackpot. I'm not sure how this box had settled in among the nativity costumes, but it was filled with feather boas, sunglasses, Mardi Gras beads, and--the piece de resistance--a black dress, size XXL. In a split second, I found myself ignoring the children, and begging my friend's husband to let me dress him up.

"Seriously Larry" I pleaded. "You don't have to do a thing. All you have to do is stand there, let me dress you up, and then walk into the gym when Brother Foote mentions something about wise men."

Larry was like, "Yeah, that's fine."

And within three minutes, my buddy Larry had been transformed into the most flamboyant wise man in the history of Christianity. He wore the classic wise man hat, but I glammed it up with a simple black dress, a pink feather boa, gold sunglasses, a princess crown, Mardi Gras beads that were the size of light bulbs, and a fluffy belt with a six-shooter tucked into it.

As soon as Larry was dressed, I got him into the line of actors, and I went to the gym to watch the show. The stage was filled with thirty-or-so children, wearing serious faces, and carefully following directions. And then, all of the sudden, the wise men entered stage left. Now there were thirty-two lovely children, and one six-foot attorney dressed in drag.

No one laughed. No one gasped. No one let out so much as a quiet, little snicker.

They were either thinking, "Oh poor Larry. He didn't realize that this play was just for children. And, geeze, he's got terrible taste!" or "Wow. I really, really can't wait until Amy Lawson moves back to New England."

I will call a therapist on Monday.

36 comments:

DE said...

Oh wow - I'm still giggling. I have no words for the total awesomeness of this post.

mommymelb said...

That is hilarious! But seriously no one made any noise? My husband and I would have started giggling like 12 year-old girls, and wouldn't have stopped until long after we got home. Good job on bringing some culture to your ward!

Amy said...

I am SO serious! I saw no one laughing. And poor Larry looked kind of disappointed at the lack of reaction...

mommymelb said...

Sad, that is just so sad...the little girl inside of me is so disappointed. :)

Joanna said...

No one laughed?!?! I'm laughing now - does that count?

chattypatra said...

Now I'm sorry I missed it. I would have laughed! Hee.

katieo said...

Well if WE were at that Christmas party we would've laughed so hard our sprite/sherbet drink would've come right out of our noses.

Catherine M. said...

I love it! I was at the party but totally missed the moment. I wouldv'e clapped for sure. You see my kids were in the nativity scene so I was in another room chatting with someone about how I'd accidently brought soup to the party - how does that happen?
I'm self absorbed and your inappropriate, we're a great team!

jkrunning said...

I really need to go to your church.

Topher said...

Simply awesome, Amy. Sure beats our ward Christmas program where certain members of the Holy Family were wearing rosaries like necklaces. That's a part-Hispanic Mormon ward for ya.

AMiller said...

I woulda laughed - in fact I bet my husband wouldn't have been complaining about me dragging him to another stupid church thing. He would probably be saying - we should have those guys over for a party sometime.

Rob & Katy said...

yo- don't get me started!

Michemily said...

I bet if you had started laughing first, it would have spread.

Anonymous said...

Ha ha sucker.

Viv said...

I loved you what you shared at the get to know you party. I think i would have sharted my pants when you said that.

Tina said...

You are too stinking much girl!

Good luck tomorrow!

DT said...

Amy,

Maybe people just didn't get it.

After reading your blog, I asked Katie about the party and she didn't even mention Larry's form of participation. So I asked a more precise question about Larry. Katie thought he participated in the Nativity scene because he was holding Ben, and Ben was dressed up for it. I then asked if Larry was dressed up. Her answer? "Well, he was dressed up as something..."
Apparently, it didn't strike her as odd, or even terribly unusual.

Maybe the "authentic" wise man headgear threw everyone off. Or maybe they didn't notice him because their eyes were glued to Catherine's cute kids

Jed said...

Amy, I noticed Larry's outfit, and I was laughing so hard at ALL the costumes! The fact that you dressed him up makes me laugh even harder!
I think Allison's flourescent pink feather boa wrapped around her head also really fit in well with the whole wise-man look. At least she wasn't a 30 year old drag-wise-man! Poor Larry...

The whole nativity skit was a hoot! The angels flapping their wings and dancing around, the girl who was pretending to be a donkey and trying to get all the 18 month old kids to be a donkey with her... or the fact that I don't recall seeing mary actually have a baby doll for Jesus. Sort of a crucial part of the night if you ask me :)

Good luck in your marathon tomorrow!

Hilary said...

Still snickering here. :) Too funny

Mary said...

Oh Amy, I wish I could have stayed for that. But we won a $100 gift card at the office party we went to! I know you won't see this till after, but good luck with the marathon today!!

Few ox said...

I was in charge of our program last night and one of my wisemen (one of the priests) decided he should where shorts instead of pants. He was showing off a lot of leg! I kept telling him to leave his pants on, he just wouldn't listen. There's one for the memory bank!

akshaye said...

hehe! Awesome!

You need to put stuff like that on youtube. I cant believe no one laughed!

Cheryl said...

Oh, that is too funny! I can't believe no one laughed, either. Wonder if "poor Larry" dared to show his face at church today. :-) Can't wait to hear how your race went!

The Roberts' Report said...

From Larry..."Thanks Amy, I was hoping that no one would know it was me! Now we'll have to leave the ward too!!"


From Rachel (the wife)...mmmm...I noticed the adoring outfit my husband was in. Especially after you pointed it out to me. And specifically remember just shaking my head at it. Most of all, I wasn't even surprised. I don't think I have ever seen him embarrassed. You couldn't have picked a better model to express your passion for christmas glam!!

J~mom said...

That is so funny!!!!!!!! I totally cracked up!

I hope your race went great today!

Grandma said...

you're my kind of guy Larry! great job! Hey Amy would Clinton and Stacy have approved of the shoe?

Jenn S. said...

Yeah - um where was the baby Jesus in that whole nativity? Was 10 year old Anna F. acting out the part of the dear sweet baby? Classic considering the mere dozen or so infants that were in attendance.

And Amy, I saw the preview of Larry's costume in the nursery room prior to the grand entrance, so I'm sorry if I wasn't laughing when he walked in, I swear I was laughing in my heart!- you may remember that I was dealing with my own crisis situation when there were no more costumes and Savannah was dead-set on being Mary (apparently she's not one for supporting cast!). Sigh.

Loved it and we will *so* miss you when you leave.

I thought Larry kind of looked like Hulk Hogan with the feather boa and sunglasses and bandanna head - so maybe that's what other people thought too? It totally makes sense that the Hulkster would be present . . .

Sue said...

Ha ha ha ha ha Your ward needs to get a sense of humor. That kind of stuff goes over BIG where I live - you would be oh so very popular :>

Julie said...

That is so funny...hey, you make life more fun! Don't let that silent audience get in your way! :)

Amy said...

You know, I totally didn't mind that no one was laughing. Didn't hurt my feeling a bit. But I'm with Sue, I was like, "Does anyone have a sense of humor in here?"

Jill said...

Will you move into my ward? There's a lovely home across the street for sale.
Please?
We were at one of those 'get to know you' parties a few years back, and a lady told us that her husband had once milked a dead cow.

Topher said...

Ooo ooo. Just thought of a funny get to know you thing from a couple of wards ago. This 40-something lady, in one of those "tell us something interesting games" where you had to guess who said what said "Once, when I was pregnant, I was helping at a work Christmas party at a new office I'd just started working at. I was carrying the punch bowl, filled with Christmas punch, across the room and the pregnant nausea hit and I barfed right in the punch."

In your book does that count as a Mormon spiking the punch?

CollegeGirl said...

You-are-quite-possibly-one-of-the-funniest-people-EVER!

Amy said...

Topher and Jill...do I fall into the same category as those two people? Oh my gosh, I so hope not! But I really, probably do...

Mr. Kickass said...

I was like, "Does anyone have a sense of humor in here?"

No. They don't. That's why it sucks. Every time we go to one of these things I'm sitting there thinking "someone needs to spike the jello mold or something, 'cause these clowns take themselves waayyyy too seriously.

Then again, I'm probably not exactly the guy you want to be emulating in the ward. So if I'm agreeing with you, you might want to change your tune.

Topher said...

I don't know about Jill's "that lady", but in my case, yes, you are "that lady" and you want to be because this lady was da bomb and was like everyone's favorite person in the whole. wide. wArd.

I've often thought it would be cool to have some computer simulation game where you could make your own ward up, like SimWard or something. You'd be the Activity Committee Chair in my SimWard. That and maybe the one who writes the bulletin.