How to Bake an Apple Pie. Naked.

May 28, 2008

When I was in kindergarten we kept a daily journal. I remember like it was yesterday--we would sit down at the miniature tables, scribble some crapola into a manila notebook, and narrate the story of our picture to the sweet teacher's aide. She would lovingly record each and every word, offer me a warm smile, lightly pat me on the shoulder and deliver the drawing straight to the hands of my teacher.

It never failed--Mrs. Hagan would take one look at my day's entry, let out a dramatic sigh, and do one of three things: a) lead me into the coatroom for a private talk about appropriateness, b) call my mother, or c) call the school psychologist.

Looking back, I now understand that her plan of action depended largely upon her mood that day. If Scotty (the red-headed class clown) was behaving, I got off with a simple lecture. But if Scotty launched a puppet into the fish tank, or licked some one's mittens, or ate a jar or paste I knew I was in for it. The woman just couldn't handle his antics and my nudie pics on the same day.

Yes. That is correct. I used my journal to draw naked people. Lots and lots (and lots) of naked people.

I'm still not sure what inspired me in that direction, other than the fact that my friend Judy sat me down one afternoon and gave me a drawing lesson which covered dogs and cats, potted flowers, and nude humans. I gravitated toward the third.
I had no idea what a naked person actually looked like, so I would draw a simple body-like outline and let the narrations bring the illustration to life. Usually the story would say something like:

This is my friend Shawna. She is walking in front of the Statue of Liberty. Naked.

or

This is Bo. He is walking his dog to school. Naked.

or

This is my mailman at the the beach. He is holding a balloon and he is naked.

My mother still loves to tell the story of my first parent-teacher conference. Before she even delved into my pencil-holding style and friendship skills, Mrs. Hagan plainly asked, "Do you and your husband like to walk around the house nude?" My mom was all, "What? Excuse me? No!"

And just to clear the air, my mother was telling the honest truth. Other than occasional lap around the house in his tighty-whities, my father and mother always wore some type of socially appropriate clothing. I was just artsy I suppose.

I haven't thought about my kindergarten journal entries in years, but suddenly they're in the forefront of my mind. You see, I've received a giant Karmic thwap in the pants, and James is now obsessed with his mother's nudity.

Yesterday at the bank...
BANK TELLER: Oh, you're cute! Would you like a lollipop?
JAMES: Uh, yes. An my mom yikes ta wok aroun mekkid! (translation: Uh, yes. And my mom likes to walk around naked.)

Yesterday in the front yard...
MAIL CARRIER: Hi James!
JAMES: Hi. My mom es mekkid aw da time.

This morning at day care...
ME: Have a fun morning, James!
JAMES: I say to da teacha that Mommy es mekkid in da house.
ME: No James, you won't say that to your teacher.
JAMES: Uhhhhh....???? I gonna say dat.
ME: Fine.

Yes, I completely deserve this. Yes, my mother still has the kindergarten-naked-journals. And yes, I'll ask her to dig them out so I can scan and post some of my finest work.

In the mean time, I desperately need to get back to work. Naked.

17 comments:

Rob & Katy said...

wow- blast from the past...

i could be wrong, but i think your naked people could be indentified by the exposed belly button... mom can verify.

remember after you git busted you started drawing judy in a bikini? what WAS that? mom and dad are beyond modest.

Vanilla said...

What a coincidence! I just read this post. Naked.

;)

Lindsey said...

That Judy is one sick puppy... I take it she is still your friend?? :)

Lindsey said...

Oh, and I am still waiting for the instructions on how to make an apple pie naked.. My husband would really appreciate it.

Bahston Beans said...

Maybe you should stop walking around the house naked!

akshaye said...

Haha... Adding naked to anything mundane makes it so much more exciting! Cant wait for the scanned journal from Grandma.

Michemily said...

This makes me think of a girl who told me in elementary school that at the end of every fortune cookie, she added "in bed." I didn't get it, but I acted like it was funny.

Do you remember those Mistic drinks? Their ads were, "Drink Mistic and go naked," or something like that. I always wondered what that was all about.

As for me being naked, yeah, that's funny. I have my big window and no acceptable curtain, so I change either in the bathroom or in the dark. Yup, I'm super modest.

Grandma said...

ah..payback time! Grandma almost spit out her Mike's..er...soda...when I read this one! I recall it was "Here is Judy naked next to the Statue of Liberty." The journals are packed, but will resuface.The conference started with Mrs. Hagan asking me if we walked around the house w/o clothes.Again, thanks James! What goes around comes around and was worth waiting for!

Amy said...

Ha ha. A few days ago while I was holding my toddler, he put both hands on my chest and said, "Daddy likes these!"

Yes, he does, but how does my 2-year-old know that?

Jill said...

Hey, clothes are hard to draw.

LegallySuited said...

Totally ROFL. I can't wait to see the drawings. Find them fast please!!!

Which reminds me...There was a commercial in Germany a few years back for some sort of shower gel, basically went like this:
(a) Lots of people in suits crossing street at busy intersection
(b) It starts to rain
(c) Everyone takes off their clothes and washing themselves with the shower gel
(d) gratuitous boob and butt shots abound (german tv has *slightly* different standards)

It was awesome. In a disturbing "went to work naked nightmare" sort of a way.

Our Little World said...

wow

The 311 Boys Mom said...

LOL.....

I love that. my now 4 yr old got in trouble for chasing a boy in the bathroom with his penis out----the other kid was runnign & laughing & my kid thought this was funny to chase him, holding his penis. (the teachers actually caled me in & had him in the office--IN PRE-SCHOOL)

BUT, until he was just over 3 he'd tell people he loves his mom's boobs (I nursed, till he was 10 months--he remembers it clear as a bell). . .. I'd just smile. At first I tried to explain, but a "he's so crazy" smile seemed to draw less fearful looks from EVERYONE he told.....

Kids, you gotta love them

Topher said...

In the future, could you please refrain from putting questionable words in your post titles? My mgr walked in yesterday when I had Google Reader pulled up, and guess who's post title was at the top of the list?

If I need a new income stream as a result, can I come to work in Dr. Lawson's purple office?

Diana from Dallas said...

that is just too funny

Cheryl said...

I can't imagine being asked in a parent teacher conference if we walked around the house naked! I think I'd have left in a huff.

Very hilarious post! Thanks for the laughs. :-)

Joy Through Cooking said...

Oh. My. Gawsh. Hilarious!!