Adventures in Interviewing

October 2, 2008

Jared and I have spent the past few afternoons interviewing candidates for a part-time position with his practice.
My husband says it feels good to be on that side of the desk. You know--firing off the questions, asking some intimidated 21-year-old what her ultimate aspirations are, what her biggest weakness is, and then snickering wildly when she admits that she'd like to be an astronaut...but failed college calculus.

Please know that I'm totally kidding. We don't even bother with the 'biggest weakness' question--because seriously, if you thoughtfully admit that "sometimes you try too hard," I might just scribble the word LIAR across a post-it note and force you to walk up and down the sidewalk with it affixed firmly to the crack of your ass.

In all honestly, I'd love to hear someone respond by saying, "I steal office supplies." Or "Sometimes I piss the entire day away on" Or "I have no work ethic and will probably get fired by next Friday."

Good old fashioned that's how you'll earn my respect.

And since I'm so thoroughly screwed up, we skip that question all together.

An interview with the Lawsons pretty much involves Jared saying, "Tell me about yourself," me saying, "We're looking for someone with an outgoing personality," and James saying, "MOM! I POOPED IN MY PANTS!"

Yes, it's true. James attends most interviews--because seriously, if you don't have the wherewithal to compliment my child on his obviously fabulous afro, then there's NO WAY IN HELL that we're ever gonna get along. And that my friends, is the perk to owning your own business.

On Tuesday afternoon we interviewed a young woman, and--ummmmm--let's just say she wasn't really our type. No handshake, 5-6 inches of cleavage, and seriously lacking in the personality department. Getting a multiple word answer out of this girl was harder than saying "no" to a bag of Cheetos and chocolate milk through a straw--which I'll have you know, is darn near next to impossible.

We finally did get her to open up a bit when Jared offered up his typical "Tell us about yourself" conversation starter. But come now, do you know how she responded?

Jared: So tell us a little bit about yourself!

Interviewee: Uhhhh. Well, um...I'm 22 years old, I live with my boyfriend, and I like to go clubbing.

Jared: I guess I wasn't aware that people go clubbing up here in Maine.

Interviewee: Oh.

And that was that. We wrapped up the interview with a smile, a handshake, and showed her straight to the door.

So much do you think we should pay her?

(kidding, kidding...)


Heather of the EO said...

You could pay her enough to cover a night of clubbing per day. Cause I assume she goes clubbing (with her boyfriend) daily. Because they love it.


Melanie Jacobson said...

I agree that asking people their greatest weakness is the dumbest interview question ever. Except that if they're not smart enough to say, "I have a tendency to take on too much" or "I'm a perfectionist," you can kind of tell they're not smart enough to work for you, so there's that, I guess. I had to hire people for years at The Limited (clothes) and I think I dropped that question after the fifth interview I ever did. I replaced it with, "A big, scary guy has a gun to my head and he's trying to clean out the registers. How will you save me?"

Way better route. I totally surrounded myself with people who would take a bullet for me. I felt like the President. Except for, you

Mrs Furious said...

glad you're back :)

joolee said...

I think any post that includes "crack of their ass" is pee your pants funny. Been thinking about you....I too, am glad you're back:)

Mindy said...

I'm glad you're back, Amy... I hope you're doing okay. I wish I could come be interviewed for your business... I don't want a job, but I'm sure it would be fun times!

Mindy said...

Oh, and I totally know how I could get hired, just by reading your post. When James adds his line to the interview, I offer to CHANGE HIS DIAPER! Now, tell me you wouldn't hire me on the spot! ;)

Kellie said...

Yay for funny posts! I'm happy you're feeling a bit better. I guess I wouldn't get the job, cause there's no way I'm volunteering to change your kid's butt. I change enough of them at home. My greatest weakness? I can't stand stupid people and inefficiency. Because I have a problem with stupid people I'm not always nice to them when they do something idiotic, thereby creating problems in the office. The inefficiency thing isn't a problem unless I'm doing a group project and someone else is slower than me. Then we go back to the stupid people problem.

Allred Mom said...

You don't know me at all....But I have been following your blog for quite a while..since you moved into your new office. I'm a friend of Megan's! I hope you have a great time visiting when she comes your way next week! You will love her and Marc! They are the best!
I also wanted to send my heartfelt sympathy to you on the loss of your baby. I've thought a lot about you and the pain and suffering that this has brought to you and your family. All I can say, is just keep staying busy! with your sense of humor, you will make it through!

Kadi, John and girls said...

go to our links to see our other blog phippsburg tae kwon do which john runs!

Anonymous said...

You didn't take the 6-7 inches of cleavage? Why? :) Out of curiosity, did she have her nails done? Cleavage and fake nails seem to go hand in hand. At least in high school, it does.

Marc and Megan said...

I'm so amazed with this post, in light of everything you've been through, that I've been trying to come up with some response all day long. You are one incredible "come back kid" to write something so dang funny when your heart is no doubt still in pieces. So, I'll just say that I count it a blessing to know you... and I'm looking forward to meeting you IRL! :)

Michelle Glauser said...

You really ended the interview there? That's awesome. I always loved interviewing, and I think it will really help me when I'm some day looking for a job.

the ericksons said...

I just got asked what my weakness was in an interview, I said "Well, I have a potty-mouth." The manager smiled, "You'll fit in here just fine."
Totally got the job.

Grandma said...

I think she misunderstood the "do you belong in any clubs?" question!

Cheryl said...

Hilarious! You've still got it, Amy. :-) You definitely should write a book someday. Glad you can still find humor amidst the sadness and yuckiness of everyday life.

Diana from Dallas said...

glad you are back

Harshes said...

Hey, I haven't had the internet, but wanted to come by (from the Coppell Library) and say I love you and miss you and have been thinking of you! J