Come, Come, Ye Powerful Politicians!

October 9, 2008

Never tell me that I'm a girl without a set of balls. Proverbial balls, that is.

Lately, you see, business has been slow. In the wake of recent economic events, I'd bet you that every other small business owner is bobbing his or her head in whole-hearted agreement. Whether you make a living selling bologna from a push cart or cracking people's backs, this is not a time of plenty.

In response to our sluggish cash intake, Jared and I have decided to beef up our marketing efforts. You know--run some more eye-catching print ads, offer up a special or two, and personally contact each and every politician who has anything to do with our fair city.

Wait. Hold the phone.

"Politicians," you ask? "But what do they have to do with your practice."

You know, I'm not really sure, but I do know that they're connected. And they also promised to care about me in their campaign speech, and what can I say? I'm kind of naive, and I took those promises to heart.

Aside from that, Jared and I opened our practice in what Jared likes to call an "Up-and-Coming" section of the city. Some would call it "Trashy," others would say that it's "Historically Significant." Me? I like to think of it as "The Street by Which We Will Someday Purchase a Nintendo Wii." And maybe send our kids to college. I don't know, we'll have to see.

But any way you slice it, our neck of the woods gets a fair amount of attention from local and regional leaders.

In the last five days, I've taken the liberty of contacting the Mayor, the City Manager, the entire City Council, our State Reps, our State Senator, and every single political candidate. Did you know that their home phone numbers are right on their websites? These fools make it way too easy for the desperate suckers like me.

Anywho, I've left them each with a message that goes something like this....

Hi! My name is Amy Lawson and my husband Jared and I are the proud, new owners of The Fine Spine on Main Street (names have been changed to protect the innocent)--you probably know it as the old Greyhound Bus Station, but let me tell you, you wouldn't even recognize that place these days.
We're young business owners, and we're very proud of we've accomplished. But you know what? We're even prouder of our contribution to Main Street. I know you're concerned about Main Street, too. I read that on your website.
I'd like to personally invite you to stop by our office, take a short tour, and say hello. We're really looking forward to meeting you in person.

And guess what? It's working. It's really, really working. They come in, they say hi, and they tell us that the city needs more young, motivated people--just like us.

Then we get 'em for what they're worth.

Well, thank you. If you'd like to help us stay in business, and act as a positive force on Main Street, please let all of your friends, family and colleagues know that we're here.

Then I tap 'em on the ass as they walk out the door.

Noooooooo, I don't really touch them on their can. I usually just compliment their shoes. Or their bald spot.

So far, so good. And dude, it beats the heck out of walking around in a lobster suit--making stupid old jokes about cracking. It was really hard to breath in there.


Heather of the EO said...

You're silly.
If any more of them come in, can you do us all a favor and try slapping them on the ass? Just to see what happens? It would make for a really great post. Thank you.

A Concerned Citizen

Mindy said...

Brilliant! Make them put their money where their mouth is... And I do think that some of them could use a good spanking, so I'm with Heather.

Joy Through Cooking said...

Wow! Impressive marketing skillz there!

Brittany Kalaj Margulieux said...


But just to be sure, you should keep up the lobster suit campaign...

Grandma said...

but you looked good in the lobster suit... ok if you're going to do this approach, I will bring the chocolate munchkins!:)

Laura said...

I'm with Heather. Of course, most politicians could use a swift slap on the ass, so have at it!

Jillybean said...

You know what would be great?
If you could get one of those fine politicians to wear the lobster suit.

chattypatra said...

I suggest that for Halloween, you dress up in leather and bring a whip to work. Beats slapping their... brains. ;)

Have you thought of teaming up with someone who is licensed to give real massages? Nothing beats a good, deep tissue massage after an adjustment. I speak from experience!

P.S: How does it feel to be a genius?

K said...

Wow! Great idea!!!

And thanks for the comment. I, too, am keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Cheryl said...

Personally, I love a good lobster suit. :-) Best of luck with the promotion. And hooray for eating breakfast! You need to take good care of yourself. (That's the mom in me speaking.)

akshaye said...

Haha..! Um.. some of the older candidates might become regulars~!

Mary Poppins said...

I'm sorry to hear that your place isn't really called "The Fine Spine."

Michelle Glauser said...

That is pretty daring to call all those people. Phone calls scare the bejeebers out of me.

Amber Ayres said...

what is your place called cuz I'm diggin "the fine spine" that's funny.

I would have never thought of politicians as marketing tools. very inventive.

Radio hosts are good too cuz they plug anything especially if you give them a freebie. I can tell you the whole kidd kraddick show went to doctor boothe for their laser eye surgeries!