Recapturing My Joy

January 7, 2009

I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but a few months ago I finally broke down and bought a treadmill of my own. There's only so much old-person flab-slapping this girl can handle, and at a small-town gym like mine, I'm overloaded every single time.

Since I'm reluctant to join the gym, I live in the tundra, and I'm a girl who likes to be able to fit her rear-end comfortably through all doorways, I finally decided that it was time to take the plunge.

I found the treadmill on Craigslist, and at the moment, it appeared to be a really great deal. It was two years old, my internet research revealed that it originally retailed for $1,295, and according to the friendly woman on the phone, it had only been used twice.

When I arrived at the house, the woman's honesty was confirmed. Based on the cavernous dents I saw on the ass cushions of the recliner couch, I'd say that she was right--the treadmill had only been used twice...by a ghost or something.

I gave the treadmill a whirl and found it to be a little bit jerky, but nothing I couldn't live with. After all, the treadmill only cost two-hundred dollars--and besides, it was probably only jerky from a lack of use. And from being used as a drying rack for all of those humungo-ginormous bras for the last two years.

We moved the treadmill into our basement, and up until last Sunday, I'd been logging twenty-or-so miles on it every week since--a jerky twenty miles, but twenty miles nonetheless.

And then it happened, my dreaded day of doom. At mile 1.8 the treadmill came to a screeching halt and hurled me right into my trophy shelf (I like to keep the trophies right behind me--that way it sets the scene when my husband walks down the stairs to say hello. He's like, "Wow, I really did marry a superstar...").

When he heard the noise, Jared bounded down the stairs as fast as he possibly could, sat me down on the futon and said, "Whoa, Amy, are you okay?"

And I was like, "No, I'm not okay! My treadmill's broken so I'M NOT OKAY!"

He hugged me.

"I don't want to be hugged," I said. "I want my damn treadmill to work again!"

Then I sobbed and heaved as I rambled on about the unjustness of being alive. "Ninety percent of treadmill owners never step on the thing," I exclaimed, pulling statistics straight out of my sweaty little bum. "I'm the only person in the entire universe who actually uses their treadmill and it goes and breaks on me! This isn't fair, Jared. THIS IS JUST NOT FAIR!"

"Maybe you can run outside until we get it fixed," he suggested--always the level headed one in the relationship.

And that made me sob even harder because, "I don't want to run outside, Jared! I have to wear clothes when I run outside!"

See, the thing is, shortly after I purchased my treadmill, I discovered the true beauty of at-home exercise: You can do it while your naked.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not a nudist or anything, but for the last several months I'd been racking up my miles in nothing but a sports bra and a pair of Nike Frees. I won't lie, it really was quite exhilarating, but my motivation was simpler than that: it reduced my laundry burden like crazy--one trillion percent to be exact.

For the next week I moved my exercise routine to the stationary bike, which you most certainly cannot do without wearing a nice pair of thickly padded shorts. What a freakin' drag.

But this morning, I am very pleased to announce that I will commence running in my birthday suit immediately, at once, if not sooner. The slippery belt has been replaced, the pulley has been repositioned, and thankfully, my heart can sing once again.

I'm thankful for the little blessing in my life.

23 comments:

Sarah said...

Well Amy, when you live in a trailer in Etna, I think pretty much anything is possible ;)

RazZDoodle said...

2 questions:

Did you manage to fix the Amy-sized hole in the wall?

Who fixed the 'mill?

Amy said...

RazZ--No hole in the wall...that was just your imagination running away with your.
And my BIL fixed the TM. So I guess his mechanical engineering degree finally paid off.

Michemily said...

A wife who's fit, who has won trophies, and who runs in limited amounts of clothing--what could be better. You deserve a trophy just for being amazing.

K and/or K said...

I did not know you were a "trophy wife"!

Better luck this time. At least you run! More than my sorry butt can say!

Laura said...

Ha, I have TOTALLY worked out in my underwear at home... I thought I was the only one!

The Roberts' Report said...

You took the words right OUT of my mouth!! Naked exercise is GRrrrreat!!
Although I prefer the eliptical...easier on Larry's crappy knees.

Viv said...

Sorry you got bunked on Craigslist maybe the 2 times the chick actually used it she really abused it. Or it could be she used like a clothes hanger and it overloaded it. Anywhoo glad you can run back in the buff.

Vanilla said...

Wow. I had no idea that I was among only 10% of treadmill owners.

Annie Valentine said...

Okay, where do I send my check?

Our Little World said...

I think your statistics are totally accurate.

I actually came back on here to read the missionary post. I had missed it and Brandon told me I HAD to come back and read it. We talked about it for like 30 minutes last night! Mormon Culture drives me nuts. I told Brandon if he ever wants me to go inactive move me to Utah...it'll take a week!

Bootchez said...

Now, Our Little World's comment presents an interesting idea . . . you could let the Elders see your buff workouts, and let them know what it is you REALLY do . . .

vkrem1dm said...

Glad your treadmill is fixed!

Did you manage to swipe one of those ginormous bras to tack on the treadmill as motivation?

YogaBug said...

I can't believe I hadn't thought of running on the treadmill naked before! It's the perfect fix for less laundry!

Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

With your grasp of the two essentials of economics - percentages (you cite "90" and "one trillion"); and where all solid economic numbers come from (one's butt) - I am at a loss to explain why you are not in charge of simulating our sagging economy.

This image of trying to stimulate something that is sagging sounds pretty risque, but I swear to you that's not how I intend it.

And clothing is totally optional in economics; Alan Greenspan himself instituted "Naked Tuesdays" while head of the Fed. He hated wearing sports bras, too. But then he was a B-cup at best.

Heather of the EO said...

What if I can't ever stop picturing naked Amy on a treadmill? What if??? I've pretty much completely lost it already. Now this. Thanks a lot.

Kelly said...

I have been reading your blog for at least 6 months and love lurking here! Never thought to comment because...HI, I am a complete stranger...not that it should stop me. But, laugh and love to read what's going on with you. Shock of all shocks when I read your comment on my blog. Thanks girl.

Oh, I am into this whole blogging world thanks to my 2 lovely aunts, Annie (see above poster...) and Jen (who's blog you graced earlier).

Barbaloot said...

Never thought of how much laundry I'd save by running nude. Bless you for that.
(Cuz I am one of your 10% that uses my at home treadmill. As long at UT continues its streak of freezing weather.)

Jen said...

Wow, you actually use your treadmill. I seriously know only one other person who falls into this category. Does that make you some kind of home-exercise deity? No doubt you look like the Treadmill Goddess as you run your buns off in your me-oh-my's!

And in case you didn't make it back over to my blog, by all means LINK AWAY!!!

Sarah said...

I think I've mentioned my sister runs on hers in a bra and uns. You two could be friends

Ali said...

I'm moving to Maine to be your BFF, I love the trophies behind you ... priceless

nicole said...

Please, please share with us (okay, me) your secret to running on a treadmill at your house - 20 miles a week. I can go jogging outside for miles at a time, but my body barely hangs on for 20 minutes on a treadmill. Soooo boring.

No, really. THis would be a perfect post for you. :) Or email to me.

Smarry said...

Very nice article thank you so much for the posting..............

___________________
Smarry
The only Satellite Television Delivers the Best Value in Entertainment