A Little Bit of Crazy

March 27, 2009

According to my cousin Bonnie, Jared and I have conflicting astrological signs. Aside from my daily horoscope in the Maine Times, I have to admit that I know almost nothing about astrology, but based on my daily marital interactions, I'd have to say that Bonnie hit the nail right on the head.

Conflicting astrological signs, conflicting personalities, conflicting priorities--I'm not sure exactly which one causes the root of our household craziness, but rest assured my friends, something is conflicting.

Bonnie claims that I am a fire sign and Jared is a water sign. Bottom line is this...when you put the two of us together, he really knows how to steam me and I have dreams of sticking his skinny little backside right into our flaming toaster oven. I shouldn't be surprised if Jared ever breaks down and gives me a swirly in the guest toilet, and he might think about investing in some flame retardant pajamas.

Yup. That's us.

Well let me tell you, our suns and moons must have been all lined up yesterday because dude, for twelve or so hours, our marriage was straight up insane. For your guilty reading pleasure, I will recount the events of the day in the most respectful way that I know how.

7:24 am: Jared and Amy have a fight.

7:57 am: Jared and Amy go to their respective places of employment.


10:01 am: Amy texts Jared--WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR DINNER TONIGHT?


1:15 pm: Due to Jared's lack of response, Amy gets frustrated. As a result, Amy decides to change all of the locks on the doors so Jared will never come home again.

Yes, you read that last entry correctly. Around 1:15 pm, I squealed into the parking lot of Ace Hardware with the full intention of changing every last darn lock on our house. I mean seriously, if that doesn't send the message of "I'm mad at you," then what does?

So I marched into Ace Hardware and the owner, 84-year-old Ernie says, "Hello, de-ah. May I help ya?"

"Yes Ernie," I replied. "I need to know where your doorknobs are. Point me in the right direction."

Ernie waved his hand, giving me the international symbol for "follow me," and led me toward aisle 4.

"So de-ah," he asked. "Is ya lockin' yo-ah husbin out da house?"

"Yes I am," I offered back. "He can go live with his mother and father, Ernie."

Since Ernie's daughter happens to live on my street, he was all too aware of the exterior layout of my home. Without any discussion whatsoever, Ernie handed me a three pack of knobs and said, "That'll do de-ah."

And just like that, I was headed home, down the hill on Main Street, more than ready to show my husband that this time, I absolutely meant business. I pulled Jared's tool bag out of the workshop and promptly proceeded to remove every door handle on the first floor. And then, feeling like a bit of a cross between Gloria Steinem and Handy Manny, I attempted to replace the first doorknob.

The key word in that last sentence was 'attempted.'

Ladies and gentlemen, at this moment, I would like to make something very, very clear...changing a doorknob is far more complicated than it might seem. Like basically verging on impossible. For the next twenty minutes I wiggled and I hammered, I drilled and I yanked. And you know what? That stupid freaking doorknob refused to be installed.

There I was, sitting on my kitchen floor, three gaping holes to the outdoors, utterly and completely defeated. So, I did the only logical thing that a girl like me could do. I called my friend Jen and talked her into getting some fried chicken and ice cream.

And just like that, after a few bites of french fries and ketchup, I could barely remember what Jared and I had been fighting about. Jared, on the other hand, had forgotten about the fight sometime around 8:15 that morning. That's why he was so confused when came home to an empty house, with no door handles, and a kitchen table piled high with all sorts of assorted non-sensical hardware.

He called me at the restaurant and was like, "Hey, I'm gonna go hang out with my mom for a while tonight. What'd you do to the doors?"

I was like, "Okay. Bye hon!" But when I hung up and closed my phone, I was all, "THAT'S RIGHT! YOU CAN GO TO YOUR MOM BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT WELCOME IN MY HOUSE ANYMORE. SUCKER!"

My friend Jen was like, "Dude. You're crazy. Do you know that?"

And I was like, "I know. Sometimes I get so mad at myself for being who I am."

And Jared? When Jared came home last night he kissed me on the forehead and said, "Amy, you keep my life exciting..."

He's right. I do.

Two years ago, our marriage counselor told us that he wasn't at all worried about the long term viability of our marriage--after all, Jared and I are extraordinarily passionate toward one another. It's the couples who describe themselves as 'content' that need to be worried. So what if we want to hurl each other off a bridge 12% of the time? The other 88% of the time is spent being madly and passionately happy--and those are the times that count.

"And if I do throw him off of a bridge," I said, "my next husband will be deaf and I swear on all things holy that I will never even try to learn sign language."

"And I," Jared continued, "will just be happy to be in heaven."

I believe that was the day that our marriage counselor released us from his care.

A few months later, our Bishop signed us up for a strengthening marriage class at the church building. Well let me tell you, we got into a rousing fight about a pencil holder during the very first thirty minutes of the very first class.

By the end of the Strengthening Marriage series, Jared and I came to one mutual conclusion...Eternal marriage (a concept that is more than stressed in our religion), is far too overwhelming of an idea for us to handle at this point in time. For now, we'll just do our best to swallow the urge to key one another's cars.


julie said...

Amy, thanks for making me laugh so much. You are hilarious. Such a greater writer, too.

Keep being crazy:)

You make me wish I was Mormon, too;)

ErinC said...

I have never posted here before, but I do read often - which yes, is probably kinda freakish, but I'm ok with that... :)

Anyway, I LOVED this post - hits close to home. Yes, 12% (maybe even 15%) of the time we'd like to hurl each other off a bridge too - I love your honesty, because most people would say, "oh, we are blissfully happy 98% of the time." That's total crap, and I love that you have the balls to call it like it is...

Thanks for keeping me smiling! Hope your doorknobs fix themselves!

Lorie said...

What you need is a friend that knows how to change out locks! ;D Or keep some fried chicken in your house at all times! ;D

And eternal marriage really isn't that hard to grasp. If you can do it here you can do it in Heaven. I am pretty sure it will be easier because there are no locks on the doors there.

JustRandi said...

Amy, you're hilarious! And I have to say, it cracks me up every single time you type out that Maine accent.

Serious funny.

Sarah said...

glad to know-- i'm not the only one with this kind of marriage-- we blissfully celebrated our ninth anniversary this week and two days before I threw food in his face and he chucked a spoon at me so hard it stuck in the wall-- but hey we have a GREAT relationship-- we took the strengthening marriage course a couple times-- what does that mean when you are assigned that class more than once :D

NorahS said...

My husband is not so sure about the whole eternal marriage thing either. He's of the opinion that eternity is a loooong time.

Love your blog.

SassyPixie said...

You are so hilarious! I would be afraid that my husband would actually be happy to be locked out! It's much quieter at his mothers!!!!

jennie w. said...

Glad it's not just me (and my husband). But my husband flips out if I so much as mention his name on my blog. You're lucky.

Miranda said...

You are hilarious. Love the accent...you're too real!

Our Little World said...

Oh Amy, I hate days like that. Seriously, they are wretched and horrible. Thank goodness for the 88%/1

amylouwho said...

There are few blogs that guarantee to make me laugh EVERY time I read them! Thank you!! (Cakewrecks is the other one - i have a feeling you might appreciate it!)

The Three 22nds said...

How does eternal marriage work in the case of the seven brothers who all marry the same woman in succession and who all die (I suspect they were poisoned)? Then the woman dies.

In heaven, who is eternally married to whom?

The Sadduccees thought this was silly. I tend to agree. They thought that meant there must not be a heaven. Jesus said, "No, there is a heaven, you just don't understand it. You will be like the angels and will not marry in heaven."


Sarah said...

I'm so glad there's another couple like us! We should swap crazy marital fight stories sometime. We'd all bust a gut!

Cheryl said...

I love the whole - "What do you want for dinner? I take that back. Don't come home" -- scenario. You always crack me up!

Jared said...

ha ha ha...I always love your posts. And seriously, since my husband's name is Jared, you could seriously switch out Amy for jen and you'd have our marriage too. Except after I kick him out and he's leaving I run and beg him to come back.

Jen R. said...

sorry I was signed in as said husband...that last comment was me.

Robyn said...

Oh Amy, I am just like ErinC, I read your blog all the time and never comment. Bad blogger!(on my part)

Just have to say I really needed to laugh today. Thank you for this post! I even made my husband listen while I read it out loud to him.

Keep up the good work. And, if you ever need a place to stay while visiting in California, you can stay with us. And I have a good friend who lives across the street - Jared can stay with her.

Wild Banks' said...

This sound so exactly like something I would do, it's insane! We're Mormon too, and understand 100000% what you're talking about and living through!
Thank you for being "normal" like us!

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