Out of the Rotation

March 24, 2009

Today I've stumbled across some unexpected free time in between two meetings. And really now, what's better to do with my spare minutes than make myself a peanut butter and bacon sandwich, a tall glass of chocolate milk, and write a load of flaming crapola for the world to read?

I've said it once and I'll say it again--life is good.

I really don't have much to write bout this fine Tuesday morning. My dog is having bowel trouble, my husband is in a major funk due to his brother leaving, and James? Well, James is just a big, happy boy.

I took him to the pediatrician last week who flatly informed me that James is still in the 95th percentile for height and weight. "Now what about looks," I asked casually? "Is he also in the 95th percentile for looks?"

Blank stare.

"Well," I continued on, "with that poofy hair and his super skinny arms, I just assumed he'd be at the top of the charts for good looks, too."

Blank stare.

"That was called a joke," I wanted to say. "We're you hatched from an egg or something?"

But I didn't, because I have social skills.

After the pediatrician, we stopped by the grocery store to pick up a gallon of milk, a loaf of bread, and six or seven apples. When I got to the check out, I was greeted by an overly giggly lady who was bagging the goods. She looked at James and asked, "How old are you?"

"I'm fwee," he responded.

The bagger looked at me and laughed the words, "Wow? He's only three? That's one big boy you've got there!"

And at that moment, before I really had the chance to think it through, I heard myself say, "Oh yeah--95th percentile for height, weight, and good looks." Why the hell not, right?

The bagger looked up at me with wide eyes and pursed lips in silence. Then, just as though she had packed one too many canned goods inside of a plastic bag, causing the bottom to give out and oranges to spill all over the linoleum, this woman lost her cool.

There she was, head leaned against the rack of plastic bags, left foot stomping, laughing like a hyena on ecstasy, holding up the palm of her hand as if to say, "Stop! Stop! I can't take it for another second!"

"Okay," I thought. "I'll stop! You're crazy! Every one's looking at me! I'm stopping!"

But she wasn't. This lady went on, and on, and on with the up-cracking until I finally pocketed my change, grabbed James by the hand, and broke into a light jog to escape through the automatic doors.

And it's official, that joke sucks and I vow never to tell it again.

12 comments:

Cheryl said...

Peanut butter, bacon and chocolate milk -- sounds delicious!
James is a gorgeous boy. Maybe I should say handsome. Anyway, he's definitely in the top 95th percentile for good looks, and I loved your joke. That lady in the store must have been peeing her pants with hilarity! :-)

Grandma said...

The heels on his new shoes are going to pump him up to the 97th percentile for height:) peanut butter and Hormel real bacon bits..if you need a shortcut..that's what I gave you!

b. said...

Nah....that was good. Store lady just REALLY REALLY appreciates a good joke. You gotta love that! Who doesn't love a fan?

Keli said...

Chocolate milk, huh? I picture you more as a Bloody Mary kind of lady, uh, I mean person. ;)

And I sort of cracked up at your joke. Not like I was on ecstasy, which might be fun if it didn't destroy brain matter and stuff, but still, I thought it was mildly clever.

Mindy said...

I totally think James is in the top 95% for looks, and I also think it's a good joke. People are dumb. ;)

I guess I need to try one of those pb and b sandwiches...

X-Country2 said...

I thought the joke was quite clever. Does that help?

Rachel said...

James is as cute as they come. I've seen pictures, but even without the visual, I know just by the way he talks when you blog about him.

So are peanut butter and bacon sandwiches better than peanut butter and pickle? My mom and grandmother like those, which makes me wonder if I'm adopted.

Karen said...

At least the bagger lady had a happy attitude...not like the usual teenage baggers that can't bag and breathe at the same time.

katieo said...

Oh yes, that joke sucked so much I'm going to steal it.
and use it tomorrow.
and maybe the day after.

Jes said...

Peanut butter and bacon???? Gag.

chattypatra said...

Never let anyone make you hesitate about saying that James is in the top percentile of anything. It's true. They're just jealous!

Smarry said...

Very nice article thanks for the sharing.............

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Smarry
The only Satellite Television Delivers the Best Value in Entertainment</a