Straight Up Busted

March 10, 2009

I have no idea what's happened to me, but I spent the whole of yesterday skiing my brains out, and now, all I can think about is napping. I honestly don't know what it is about sliding down a hill on a pair of waxed sticks that zaps every last ounce of energy from my soul, but let me promise you, it really, truly does.

Maybe it's the constant, unwavering focus on trying to stay alive. I've heard that can burn a lot of calories.

Anywho, I had one hell of a time getting out of bed this morning. When my alarm went off, I took the situation very seriously and unplugged that silly waste-of-a-thing. Snooze, you see, is for ambitious people. But unplugging? Unplugging is reserved for those of us who have achieved an advanced stage of complacency in life. If you do it too, then congratulations, welcome to the underachievers club--don't worry, we never have any meetings.

It took a urine-soaked three-year-old to rouse me from me slumber. He shook me awake and I sat up with a start. I was like, "Dude! Don't mug me! You can have my purse!" I know, kind of a strange reaction...but I was sleeping hard...and he smelled exactly like a New York City subway station.

By the time I was up n' at em, I had no time for my regular morning routine--toss in a load of laundry, pray, read my scriptures (I know, you're impressed), feed the dog, take a shower, etc--and as usual, the scripture reading and prayer were the first and second things to get cut (I know, not very impressive).

I decided to make up for my missed prayer after I dropped James off at daycare. Once he was securely inside, boots backwards, and toy tools in hand, I got in my car, shut the door, took a deep breath and started to pray.

By the time I reached my office, I had yet to finish my plea. I had asked The Lord to fix the failing economy, but I hadn't yet gotten to the part where I would ask God to help 1,000 people hurt their backs in central Maine, mysteriously slip one of Jared's cards into each of their pockets, and help his female patients develop unrelenting crushes on my husband, leading to routine, long-term chiropractic care.

What? A girl has a right to her prayers.

I like to pray out loud, but come now, I was sitting in my parking lot at work. I was genuinely worried that people passing by my car in the early morning rush would think I was insane if I was seen talking to myself--and clearly, I am not.

So, in a moment of personal revelation and spiritual clarity, I found a solution to my predicament. I would continue my prayer but pretend was I was talking on my cell phone.

Pure freaking genius.

Except for one thing: I forgot my cell phone in the bathroom this morning. (So what? I like to chat n' poo. Sue me.)

So, in a fervent effort to continue my conversation with God, I picked up my wallet, placed it next to my left ear, pretended it was a cell phone, and prayed my brains out. I even used exasperated hand motions in an effort to increase the authenticity.

Genius restored.

When I was all done I straightened up my credit cards and headed inside. As I stepped though the front double-door, I was intercepted by a nice woman who works down the hall. As coincidence would have it, we use the same daycare provider.

"Amy," she said. "Thank goodness you're here! I need to call Miss Nancy about Jane's medication, but my cell phone is completely dead and that's the only place I have her number."

"Oh gosh," I said. "What do you need?"

"You must have Nancy's number in your cell phone, right? Can I borrow it for a second to call her?

"Oh crap," I replied. "I accidentally left my cell phone at home this morning."

"What? No you didn't," she insisted. "I saw you talking on your phone in the parking lot."



Mindy said...

I am laughing so hard... I bet God is too.

Vanilla said...

That is fantastic! I love this story, although I am disappointed to learn that there is another level of slackerdom that I have yet to achieve, which is unplugging the alarm clock. I have so much to learn from you Amy.

Miranda said...

OMG...I think I pee'd...why do you do that to me??? Your stories are so real and so funny!

I'll give you kudos for the creative idea to continue your prayer...too funny!

akshaye said...

haha! At least you pulled it off!

Shelby Lou said...

bahhahahahaha your halarious.

Marc and Megan said...

Oh Amy, I just love you! Plain and simple.

Oh, and I totally adored Alex from AI, too... now I know why! The resemblance is uncanny. Jared should practice the kid's autograph.

Our Little World said...

LOL. Good one Amy! Hay mama, have faith. It will be ok! I promise! Maybe you and James should have stayed home?! ;-)

Sarah said...

Too funny! I'm also extremely relieved that you posted! I was beginning to worry about you!

Michemily said...

Ooops. Ha ha ha. What did you say? Come on I've got to know!

jennie w. said...

Guess that's the Lord's way of telling you to NOT skip your prayers first thing in the morning.

Lindsey said...

You. Are. Funny. I wish my butt was busted from the slopes.. rough life. Too bad it is 70 degrees here today. (Seriously, I wouldn't mind ONE ski day :)

Anonymous said...

Ha ha ha - that is classic. You have such a fabulous way of telling a story.

RazZDoodle said...

There is absolutely NO WAY - on God's green earth - that I'm calling you.


Allison Rhien said...

I am laughing so hard, i'm crying!

vkrem1dm said...

Seriously, do you ever make things up for comic effect? You must have the most entertaining life ever because I don't think someone could make all of your blog entries up!

Keep 'em coming.

Grandma said...

you've brought back the Dial-a- Prayer concept! oh just hand her the wallet and let her figure it out!you can never find your cell phone anyhow!!!

Anonymous said...

I'll give you kudos for the creative idea to continue your prayer...too funny!

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