Three Things I'm Good At: Secrets, Hiding, and Misrepresentation

May 6, 2009

There are a lot of different things I like about blogging--making fun of my husband in a public forum, getting loads of compliments about my child's looks from total and complete strangers, and the occasional piece of random, adoring fan mail come to mind. But my favorite thing about blogging, my absolute favorite thing, is the fact that I can paint this little life of mine however I so chose.

I tell you what I want to tell you.

I don't tell you what I don't want to tell you.

I guess it gives me a false sense of control. Keeping secrets from readers makes me feel like I have some grasp over my hectic and very unpredictable life. Hey, it's either that or Prozac--I'll take the blog. Less sexual side effects.

My sister, who has known me (in person) for 28 years, finds this whole blog thing to be absolutely frikking hilarious. Not the stories--she's been hearing garbage like that since I learned to talk. No no, she finds pure joy in the comments that say things like:

I'm having a party next weekend and I so want you could come, but I live in Ohio. You'd liven it up for sure.
Or:

You always makes me laugh. I'd love to go shopping together. That would be the best time ever!

Or her favorite:

I wish we were real life friends.

That last one gives her cramps from laughing so hard. Really, it does. Mostly because I'm a total and complete introvert--I hate parties, I have a hard time making new friends, and generally speaking, human beings of all makes and models cause my armpits to sweat like a high powered sprinkler system.

I guess you could describe me as a girl who's got a handful of close friends, an armful of acquaintances (who make me want to poo myself from the nerves), and hides from the remainder of the world's population.

Trust me, the last thing you need is to have me at your party. I fart when I'm nervous.

This is on my mind today for one distinct reason. This afternoon, in just two short hours, I'm having lunch with someone I've never met--someone who reads my blog. Oh. The. Horror. I'm sure she's great--I have no concerns about that end of the equation. It's the 'me sucking' part that makes this whole concept a little hard to swallow.

We're meeting up to attend a hearing at the Statehouse, not just for the hell of it--so that takes the edge off. At least we'll have something to talk about. I've already thought of a few conversation starters for the plentiful moments where I'll be stumped over what to say next. For example:

So, this building we're going to, do you think it will have a brick or stucco exterior?

And:

Do you know if the chairs will be padded?

And:

That sure is a big hill over there! Don't you think!?

Oh yeah, I'm totally full of ideas. I swear, if I wasn't operating a station wagon, 18 weeks pregnant, and a Mormon, I'd have a shot or three of whiskey to take the edge off. New people scare me. And this girl? You should see her facebook profile--blond hair, sunglasses, arms, legs, a little smirk on her face--extra, extra scary.

Linsday, thanks to you, I'm going to pee all over my driver's seat today. Can't wait to meet you.

So anyway, that's that. I enjoy blogging because I can paint myself in a false light and keep all kinds of secrets from all kinds of people.

And yes, you read that correctly. I'm not just getting fat.

55 comments:

Xenia said...

We're similar. I'm an introvert, have a core group of friends and then pretty much hate/am afraid of everyone else. But I'm not pregnant. Congrats on that, btw. :)

Andrea N said...

You ARE a big secret keeper! Congratulations!!

Lindsey said...

Yay. I am so happy you are pregnant! Feeling baby guilt around you is no fun! :) I hope things go well! Best wishes for you! And if you WERE just getting fat, that would be totally ok.

Diana from Dallas said...

Amy, I only know you through your blog. But, I couldn't be happier for you.
I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Amanda said...

I've been following your blog for a while & i'm so happy to hear you are PG again!

Mel said...

OMG YOU BRAT! Really I was ready to scroll back through months of posts to find one I missed.

I am over the moon happy for you. I cheered out loud. You deserve it and I can't believe you and Katy were able to keep it from the internet.

P.O.M. said...

Congrats on the pregnancy!!!!!!! I read that twice and thought... wait, did I miss a posting???

Amy, I have had about 3 dreams about perfect 10 too! But I rarely go to that bar so I think that he's lost forever. I go to the market like 4-5 times a week and never see him so he must not live near me (there is only 1 market).

Last, also a secret keeper. A certian seafaring fellow might be back in my life more than I blog about.

Grandma said...

Wondered when anyone would pick up on all the twitters with food references! AND blogs about weird dreams!
That brown skirt I picked up for you will come in handy for 2 reasons..its elastic waistband and the color will match any accident you may have on your seat from meeting your blog friends. xoxoxo Mom

Kita said...

Congrats...I am so happy for you.

Jillybean said...

Congratulations!!

And I wish we lived closer to each other so we could go shopping and be real life friends!

Danse said...

I'm a fellow introvert who loves your blog. I just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS!

Jen R. said...

Congratulations!!! I read your blog a lot, but only comment every now and then...and that's because I'm shy too! Pretty much my only friend is my husband and my sister. It even extends into the blogging world for me...sometimes I comment a lot and want to make bloggy friends and then sometimes I go back into my blog hermit shell.

Julia said...

Congratulations!

Blogging must be an introvert's dream ... there's so many of us. Problem with mine is that it's listed on my ward web site, so now people look at me with this strange, "I thought she was funny on her blog ... why is she just sitting there silently staring at the wall? What a snob."

Keli said...

Congrats. You could always talk about hemorrhoids. Women love that crap.

NorahS said...

Wow! Way to sneak in that little bit of information. Congratulations!!!

Rachel said...

Yay! I'm glad you finally spilled the beans, let the cat out of the bag, whatever! Now I don't have to feel like I might mess up and refer to your "condition" in one of my comments. You made it! Hope it gets easier now!

Ray, Brandi and Our Girls said...

Congrats!!! You know how happy I am for you and your are in my prayers.

Marissa said...

Congratulations Amy!
Prayers for an uneventful and easy pregnancy for you.

Patty said...

Congrats on your pregnancy! I was wondering what post I missed that spilled this news... then I realized it was just another little secret kept from the blog world.

I can't even remember what this post was really about, because I reread the pregnancy part 4 times to make sure I saw it right! So again, Huge Congrats!!

Hilary said...

I suspected that might be the secret. I comment rarely, but read often. Big congrats to you and yours. :)

Marie said...

Yeah for you getting knocked up again! So happy for you!

Was it the dump guy? or the guy from the corner store who thought you looked good in hunter orange?

Domestic Goddess (In Training) said...

Congratulations on the pregnancy. My advice is to quit stressing the lunch or your going to have to put your fetus on prozac.

TC said...

I knew it...the second you mentioned keeping secrets, I said, "She's pregnant!"

Don't know why I needed to tell you that, except that I'm inordinately proud of myself for figuring out your secret 90 seconds before you told me yourself.

Mazel tov. Congratulations. Yay for you (and Jared, and James).

Charlotte said...

Hooray! Congratulations!

Katy said...

YOU'RE PREGNANT???!!!

(Just kidding)

Glad you're out. :)

jjstringham said...

Oh stop kidding yourself. You're just getting fat. You're just pretending to be pregnant so you can have an excuse for gaining 30+ pounds and eating ice cream for every meal of the day.

At least that's what my husband tells me.

Congratulations! :-)

Michemily said...

I'm so glad to hear you're expecting another little one. All the best! And I hope that I can someday make you want to pee on your seat (aka meet you).

Mary said...

Congratulations!! I am so happy for you.

ClumberKim said...

Saw the title of this post and hoped...almost didn't read it just so I could hope. You didn't disappoint!

And I grew up close to where you are. Does that count?

girlsmama said...

Congratulations! I hope it's smooth sailing.

Rynell said...

Congratulations from one introvert to another.

Hayley said...

Oh a huge congratulations Amy! I'm so happy for you and your family. I wish you all the best. Now it makes sense why you were car shopping & didn't want the car salesman's baby...

The Roberts' Report said...

Hey there baby-momma. Good to know you aren't just getting fat! I thought I might have to mail you some slim fast or duck tape!

P.S. Since no one reads this I'll admit to you that I got my first period after Keira was born on the 1st of april (funny I know), but haven't had a 2nd yet. Is it time for a freak out?

Heather said...

congratulations!!! So excited for you.

Morgan and Derek said...

Congrats! I'm a blog-stalker who is very very happy for you, and wishing you a completely uneventful pregnancy.

JAMIE said...

congratulations, I am so happy for you!

I hope your lunch went well today, so was the building stucco or brick?

Gina Lee said...

Congratulations!

Andrea said...

congrtulations, it's funny you post this because I would have never guessed your an introvert. You always have me laughing or ohing and awing over James.

blaine said...

Congratulations on your venturing out to meet someone new. Was the girl you met the same as pictured in her facebook page or was she a 80 year old hag?
I figured I'd wish you congratulations on this since everyone already covered the other.

Patti said...

Congratulations! I too thought I'd miss the big news as I haven't read your blog in a while. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Sarah said...

Oh man I love how you just casually slipped in the 18 weeks pregnant! You're great. And good idea posting about this meeting up with a stranger thing. We'll know who to go after if you don't return home! You hear that Lindsay!? Don't you try anything funny with our Amy!

tarable said...

Wow, congrats & good job keeping the secret. Ultrasound yet? Sex? (of the baby, not are you)

I have had the same group of friends since jr. high and am perpetually depressed that they all live in different states now & have a billion new friends each. We shouldn't meet in real life. I'll just keep reading your blog.

Mindy said...

Congratulations, Amy!!! And... after reading this, I think we'd be even BETTER friends than I thought we'd be before. I fart too.

Melanie J said...

Wow, way to bury the lead.

jadine said...

Congratulations! I'm so happy for you! :)

Mrs Furious said...

Congratulations!

If it makes you feel better... and I don't know why it would... last weekend our neighbors had a party. They even invited us. Mr F and I didn't go... we turned off all our lights and spied on them and pretended to dance like they were dancing. Then we tried to come up with our excuse for not going... I said "let's just tell them the truth... we have social anxiety." We laughed. The next morning Mr F ran into them and he told them... "We have social anxiety". That jerk.



P.O.M.,
I read that!

joolee said...

Oooh, as i recall, those low riding maternity pants may increase the chance of an accidental exposure of a$$ crackage:) Congrats!

jennie w. said...

I can't believe that you're lame and shy in real life. Or even an introvert. But that's the nature of blogging, I guess.

Best wishes for your pregnancy. Hope it's boring and uneventful.

Chase's Moma said...

WOW! Congratulations! I had to read that part 3 times. You're so sneaky! I'm smiling from ear to ear right now! YAY! You're knocked up!

V and Co. said...

WHOOT! yous got yourself knocked up again! you good mormon girl you!
oh and i SO wish we were real life friends cause i'm pretty sure we would be tight yo. bffs! congrats!
(on me wanting to be your bff)

jessicat said...

Wow, I was already so impressed that you came out to stand with us at the State House yesterday. But now that I know how anxious you were about it, I'm *really* grateful that you braved nervous farting and driver's seat accidents to be there with us. Thank you! And congratulations on your pregnancy!

Cheryl said...

Yay! The word is finally out! Congratulations, and you are still in my prayers daily. And I learned something new today. Shocking that you are a lot like me, an introvert, uncomfortable around people. The difference is I opt for the antidepressants, maybe that's why I'm such a lousy blogger! :-)

David and Sammy said...

Congrats Amy! I told David awhile back you must be pregnant cause you only twittered about food for like a week straight! When do you find out the sex??

Joy Through Cooking said...

YAY!!!!!!!!! Congrats!!!!! :)

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