Sunday Whispers

June 15, 2010

On Sunday morning, Jared and I were sitting in church when he pushed his lips up against my ear. When it comes to Sunday services, my husband and I are constant whisperers, so I wasn't expecting to hear anything new, urgent, or off the charts.

Usually when we whisper, it's a earful of excellent, complimentary phrases like, "Wow, she sings like an angel!" and "What a beautiful, well behaved child he is." And we're never being sarcastic. I'm not being sarcastic right now, either.

So like I was saying, Jared stuck his lips against my ear and softly said, "It's time to bleach your upper lip. Your mustache is getting dark."

I let that piece of news sink in for a second, finished the verse of How Great Thou Art, and during the brief piano interlude, I whispered back to Jared. "Girls don't have mustaches."

Another verse went by, and at the next piano interlude I heard my husband say, "My girl does."

And with that phrase, my denial phase had officially passed.

It's needless to say that I was unable to focus on anything for the rest of the meeting. Uplifting stories? Spiritual enlightenment? The miracle of grace? I missed it all. The only phases floating through my mind were things like electrolysis, and circus side show, and Sally Hansen beauty products. Charity and service would have to wait.

Now don't get me wrong here, I'm trying to be like Jesus as much as the next guy, but definitely not in the way of facial hair.

During the middle of the next hymn, I stepped out of the chapel and walked to the bathroom. I flipped on the light, stood two inches from the mirror and was instantly consumed by complete mortification--I actually had to stifle a scream. Jared was right, I was rockin' a stache.

Before I returned to the chapel, I practiced a few different faces in the bathroom mirror, hoping they'd pull the attention away from my facial hair.

I really wanted this:


I thought about this:


And I finally settled on this:


When I slipped back into the pew, I leaned to Jared and said, "We have to go home."

He leaned back and said, "We can't. You have to teach Sunday School--and you can't act like you're smelling your hand the whole time."

DAMMMMNNNNNNNNN. That was really bad news, but I managed. Sure I faced the blackboard for the entire hour, but trust me, I was inspirational.

After church was finally over, I dashed to the car, strapped on my seat belt, and resolutely announced that we were headed straight to the store. I know what you're thinking, and it's true--Mormons don't typically shop on Sundays. But people, Sabbath or not, my ox was stuck in the mire and I wasn't about to let him tarry.

We squealed out of the parking lot and drove straight to Rite Aid. The details of this part are a little bit fuzzy, but I'm pretty sure I swung open the door and rolled out of the car while it was still in motion. I ran toward the entrance and the store's automatic door was beginning to open when I had a horrible revelation--A WOMAN WITH FACIAL HAIR CANNOT BUY MUSTACHE BLEACH FROM A REAL LIFE PERSON.

So I got the hell out of there and made haste to the grocery store across the street--after all, they have a self check out. And now I'll give you one guess what they don't have. That's right, mustache bleach.Why me???!!!?!?!

I was limited to two choices--mustache wax or hair removal cream. After some heavy deliberation, I chose the cream. The wax just seemed so, I don't know, barbaric?Well let me clear the air here folks, the hair removal cream is no walk in the park on a fresh spring morning either--and I have the chemical burn to prove it.

I followed the directions to the finest detail, and to be fair, my mustache is completely gone--but guess what? So is my upper lip.

The End.

30 comments:

Amy said...

No idea why that white stripe is there....

Tara said...

Lol! You would love the laser treatments. Nothing like the smell of burnt hair/flesh to start your day!

over from mmb

www.keepmovingforwardwithme.blogspot.com

Michelle said...

Oh Amy! too funny and I empathize girl...I have BEEN THERE. I've done the was thing...it sucks. I haven't tried the removal cream though...hmmmmmmm

Me said...

My ancestors come from the Mediteranean region of the world.. where it is known that women from that area have and still frequently mate with apes. I am the byproduct. Waxing is not that bad...be grateful it's just a 'stache....I have sideburns too (and a hairy ass.....)

X-Country2 said...

Awwww. (And ha!) Get yourself some Nair for faces cream. As a brunette girl, it's the bomb. :o)

Charming's Mama said...

Yeah, electrolysis is my best friend, but man it hurts like H E double L

Michemily said...

Yeah, I've started having fears about that . . . but I'm always afraid that getting rid of it will cause it to come in thicker and darker . . .

Mindy said...

I'm so sorry that I'm laughing so much at your expense, but Amy, that was so funny!!! I'm sorry about the 'stache, but I'm sure you'll look fine once your lip grows back.

p.s. When are you going to tell us about your new calling?

Amy said...

Well told.

Sarah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Sarah said...

Sarah said...
i tell my husband i'm going to stink my facial hair off. the cream not only burns, but stinks up the whole house. even if it says "now with a new cocoa butter scent." it really means now it will only make you smell like rotten eggs for one day not two :D

i ♥ being a woman and hormone-- can't get my ovaries to produce eggs but i can grow a stash-- i never dreamed this is how i would be tested on this earth!!!

dona said...

OK, now that funny.

Very funny.

Pam said...

HA!!!!!

funderson said...

I'm truly sorry to enjoy such laughter at your pain, but ding-dang your pain is funny today!

Marie said...

so, your new calling is gospel doctrine instructor?? did i get it right? (reading between the lines of your mustache...)

Grandma said...

The picture of the mannequin head w/ the face mask did it for me:))How long does that stuff last anyhow? You had left some here way back and I finally tossed it. I should have resold it to you!

Bootchez said...

Bad news: Your moustache is gonna come back (your upper lip may or may not). Get the thing lasered -- it's expensive, but doesn't hurt (well, it hurts some, but really not that bad) and it's permanent. My facial hair formerly known as unibrow thanks me every day.

Zach & Hannah Parris said...

What a timely post. I just noticed this week that this problem is creeping up on me, too..ack! Still not sure which way to go, but the chemical burn doesn't sound too pleasant.

lauridawn said...

Yeah, I was already feeling ticked that guys only had to shave their faces (and have the nerve to complain about it no less), when it became apparent that I'd regularly have to add my face to the whole routine.

sarah marie said...

Hah! Great story. It's funny - this post of yours has a commonality with my sidebar. :)

Karen said...

NOOOOOOO!

Amber Lynae said...

I am with you girl. We women totally shouldn't have to grow stashes to be like Jesus. And having a stash is a state of emergency. I however wax. The pain is a lot less lingering than chemical burns.

esthermelvin said...

愛情是一種發明,需要不斷改良。只是,這種發明和其他發明不一樣,它沒有專利權,隨時會被人搶走。..................................................................

Cheryl said...

Oh, Amy! Too hilarious!! But I feel your pain. I tweeze, but it takes forever, so I'm considering trying laser. Hopefully you will try it first, though, so I can "learn from" (laugh at) your experience!

Scrappy_Lady said...

Chemical burn and light scarring here. I opted for the wax, though, so that was probably my mistake.

Leah said...

I got my 'stash threaded yesterday by the Indian lady at the mall. It was very painful. Very painful. She noticed my discomfort and reminded me "pain will only last one minute, but the beauty will last three to four weeks."

wendy said...

Hey, love your new header and that saying is great.

sorry about the mustache thing. (tee,hee)
I have found a WHISKER that appears from time to time on my chin now. I black wiry thing from hell...thank goodness it is not poking out of a wart.
so I PLUK that succer and I think the root goes right to my toes. Which reminds me, it's time to shave my big toes.

mommymelb said...

I've chemical burned my upper lip more times than I can count! I'm so sorry that it had to happen to you too! I'm hoping for laser one day, but now I wax. As long as you don't pull the wax off yourself it's not too bad! :)

Amy Breeden said...

I know that I say the same thing every time I post a comment on your blog, but here I go again. You are so talented lady! I know it's a funny story, but I also know if I were to retell it, it would not be remotely as funny! You've got a gift and me and Brett are so grateful! There's nothing like a good laugh! We love you!

bostonblacksheep said...

I've been dealing with a similar issue for years with my dark Italian family roots and being a blonde with pale skin. I tried bleaching but that took too long. I eventually, get this, just started shaving it. I still do and it's been okay (so far).