The Story of the Clam Hat

October 15, 2010

First things first, I'm running the Baystate Marathon on Sunday, and seriously, I'm gonna qualify for Boston. Good vibes, positive thoughts, and so on and so forth would be totally appreciated between the hours of 8 and 11:40am on the 17th.

And moving on...

When it come to mothering, I tend to operate in the extremes--hyper attentive or hideously neglectful, there's really not much of an in between. For example, last Saturday James's soccer coach gave the kids a two minute water break. As soon as he blew his whistle, the players dispersed like an army of ants to their moms and dads who all seemed to be holding BPA free water bottles chilled to just the right temperature.

Then there was me. I was like, "Here, take a few swigs of this organic goat milk from your baby sister's sippy. Water's for sissies, real soccer stars drink this sweet nectar....from a princess cup."

Can you see the extremes in that situation? In one corner, I kid you not, we have local/organic/raw goat milk for the baby. And in the other corner, we have a mother who can't remember that her other kid miiiiight get a smidge thirsty after he runs around kicking a ball for two straight hours.

Earlier this week, James came home with the folder that was supposed to carry his school pictures, and it was--you guessed it--empty. From the outfit, to the sweet hair-do, to the check for $17.99, I forgot all about picture day--and Lifetouch had to send home an empty envelope just to knock the you'reasuckymother ball right out of the park. Next year, maybe they'll start scrawling DOUCHE BAG across the outside of the package, too.

So there you have it, my extreme crappy mothering. But thanks be to all that's good and holy, today I had the chance to redeem myself--it's crazy hat day. And I'm happy to say that a few minutes before nine o'clock, I actually remembered this most joyous event. According to the kindergarten calendar, it's also black and white day, so I decided I'd smoosh the two together--like Christmukah, only better.

I had some white fleece in the basement, so I pulled it out, got to work, and three minutes later we had a hat that transformed my son into something eerily close to a klansman. Never good. Never ever. "James," I said, "you look like you're int the klan, we need to change this up."

"But mom," he said, "I want to be a clam! I really really reallyreallyreally want to be a clam! Puh-lease can I be a clam?"

How could I say no to that?

So I got to work, and an hour or so later, we had this beauty planted on his over sized head. Behold the clam hat:

I don't want to be all self-inflated or anything, but I'm ridiculously proud of this one. Totally made up for the school picture thing:

When I was halfway through the project, I was pre-thinking how I'd attach the eyes. I took a break from sewing and did a Google search to see if anyone else on the planet had ever put eyes on a clam hat.

Let's just say I was shocked with what the Urban Dictionary had to say about my creation.

After my discovery I really didn't know whether or not I could send James to school wearing a clam hat, so I called everyone in my fave five and asked, "What doe the phrase clam hate mean to you?"

They were all like, "Uhhhhhhh......nothing?"

So I sent him to school wearing the clam hat, and all day long, I just can't help but wonder if the principal reads the Urban Dictionary.


Pam said...

I cannot wait to get home and see what Urban Dictionary says. I'm reading this from work (shocker, right?) and when I click your link it's blocking the site for content. Must be good!

Good luck tomorrow!!! You're so gonna be registering for Boston Monday.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha! And this, Amy, is why I continue to read your blog. Just for a little bit of humor like this! I think you just made my weekend!

Bootchez said...

You're gonna BQ so hard!! Yay to the You already, and best of luck on Sunday. I'll be battling it out in my own "race" (a half mary that'll probably take me as long as your full) and will send energies your way!

What a great hat! The female teabag, I always wondered if there was such a thing. Heehee! The things I learn here . . .

Seriously, awesome hat. I'm someone who reads into everything (call it Visual Tourette's), and didn't see anything untoward in it (till I read the link, that is . . .).

Ashton and Shanda Call Family said...

that was the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh! never heard of it before, but it was funny!

Brian said...

Amy - I started reading your blog a while ago ... and let me tell you ... you always bring out a healthy laugh! I literally spit my water all over my keyboard when I read this! Thanks for all of the laughs!

HL said...

OMG love clitoris hat SO MUCH. SO awesome.

I meant clam hat. Ahem.

We tried the goat milk too. Kid still allergic. Dammit.


Karen said...

I guess you learn something new every day! I think he should have worn the clam hat for picture day.

Pam said...


Okay, I'm at home now where my internet does NOT filter content, and my husband and I are both sitting on the couch laughing our asses off. Female version of the teabag... that is PRICELESS!!!

Chantel said...

I will send all sorts of positive vibes and good thoughts your way, and I do hope you make Boston! I wish you the best of luck!

So, will you get the pictures ever, or did they misplace them or something?

Also, good job with the hat! I'm going to go read the urban dictionary now!

Grandma said...

Go get 'em Amy, but don't bring the hat into the city:) xo

My Life and Running said...

That hat's awesome! Luck & swift legs wished to you tomorrow!

Kim said...

That hat is beyond awesome! I volunteered in Katie's class & had to do a double take when I walked past James' room! That hat rocks! I should have sent Katie to your house because the only thing that adorned Miss Katie's head on Friday was a black & white polk a dot bow!

You should have seen the shit eating grin on James' face as he walked through the halls w/that hat. PRICELESS!!!

wendy said...

had to go to the Urban dictionary site.........
and laughing hysterically
NEVER heard such a thing.
but once again, you come up with something totally unique and I can't wait to have to explain THAT to your son when he is like WAY older.

Michemily said...

That is one rocking clam hat. And I'm not even going to look up the meaning, because I'd rather remain in the dark.

Kimi said...

Better than Christmukah? Really? Really Amy? We all know NOTHING is better than Christmukah. It's a superholiday. Moses and Jesus working together and all that. Howev...if something were to be as awesome as Christmukah it would definitely be the clam hat! Kudos to you.

chirunner said...

Awesome hat! Can I call you for my next Halloween costume? My best sewing involves a needle, thread and a button. Seriously.

Jimmy said...

That hat is seriously a work of art! You should copyright your creation and mass produce it.