Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, back in the 1990s, I used to hang around with a red headed girl named Maureen (By the way, Maureen, do you read this? I desperately owe you a phone call, I know...In the meantime, please enjoy this unsolicited slice of attention.).
That's Maureen, all grown up. She likes toys.
Back in the day, this girl was full of ideas--good, bad, genius, asinine, slightly dangerous--they were just constantly bubbling out of her brain.On a quiet, snowy night in '97, one of these ideas snuck up on her like a thief in the night, and hoo boy, it fell squarely into the Beyond Ingenious category--it was even better than the Rear End Game.
I'll let you figure out that one on your own.
If I had to guess, I'd say it was two o'clock in the morning. She was tucked cozily in her bed, I was snuggled up in a pile of clean laundry, and Maureen casually said, "Amy, let's make a video about things that piss us off. We'll take my mom's video camera, we'll set it up, and we'll just list the things that piss us off."
Then she gave a thoughtful glance up toward the ceiling, looked back at me and said, "We'll call it Things That Piss Us Off. By Maureen and Amy. Just a list...of things that piss us off."
"Things that piss us off?" I repeated.
"That's right," she confirmed. "Things that piss us off."
Obviously, we were both strictly prohibited from uttering the words 'piss off' in the presence of our parents. Clearly, we were about to make up for that. We wasted no time in setting up the video camera [that happened to be the size and weight as a cinder block], we plopped down on the pleather futon, and we went to work.
Now keep in mind, we were seniors in high school, so our list was like:
Ugh, forgetting my locker combination!
When the school nurse thinks I'm faking!
Boys who smell like cheese all the time!
Gas that costs $1.29 a gallon!
...and so on and so forth.
The videos continued sporadically through college and evolved into things like:
People who backwash in beer!
When my Gap jeans get all bunchy in the butt!
People who wear puffy-painted cat sweatshirts!
Sweatshirts without hoods, period!
The videos eventually came to a stop, but the concept never did. Really now, how could it? A zillion years later, I still call Maureen after a solid six months of communication hiatus to say things like, "Things that piss me off....the IRS. And The Chrysler Motor Corporation. And baby poop in my mouth."
Trust me, it's way more fun than starting a call with a simple 'hello.'
People, I believe in this concept. Actually, I believe in this concept so much, that I've decided to open up the floor to my internet friends.
Highly politically charged/argumentative people.
Dog urine on my carpet.
The grout on my kitchen floor.
Go ahead, take a turn. It feels really good. Like really good. And seriously, it's so much better to take your teeny, little frustrations out in a comment section than on your poor, unsuspecting spouse who's just trying to cook you a damn meatball.
I know it's only Tuesday, but I'm thinking we'll do Things That Piss Us Off Thursdays a couple times a month. Has a sweet ring to it, doesn't it?
(...as always, I have veto power over any not-niceness that I don't like)