Fart on My Life*

April 4, 2011

Lately I've been seeing the same three letters all over the internet, and up until three days ago, I had no idea what they meant. The letters? FML.Honestly, when I see the letters FManything, I automatically assume it means For More Somethingorother. So this FML thing? I just couldn't figure it out...

For more love? No, no.

For more loving? Possibly.

For more leisure? Man I'm an idiot.

So finally, after three-dozen completely stupid stabs at the whole FML thing, I decided to ask for Google's help.

Ooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Well that's what it means.

Ten or so minutes after my FML discovery, I really started to ponder the term. "Man," I thought, "who would write that?" And, "I think I'm really grateful for my life. No, actually, I LOVE my life! I would never write those three letters!"

And then Saturday happened. A day that can only be summed up by a certain three letters. F to the M to the L.

I swear, if I could do it all over again, my daughter wouldn't be plain old Maggie Lawson--she'd be Farrah Maggie Lawson, or Fern Maggie Lawson, or Fanny Maggie Lawson. Are you catching on here?

(But holy crapness, how cute is she?)

(So cute it makes me want to pass gas.)

As you can clearly gather from those pictures, Maggie loves to color. Actually, it's more like this: Maggie LOVES TO COLOR! Which is funny, because James would rather walk ten miles with a burning cigarette in his shoe that color for four minutes. Their personalities are so extremely different, but I'm almost 97% sure that they have the same father. Isn't it crazy how that works?

Before I move on, here's another smidge of proof that Maggie LOVES TO COLOR!!!!!!!

(Holy stinkin' cuteness overload!)

Okay, so just to review, by this point you should know two things:

1) Maggie loves to color, and

2) Maggie has a cute problem.

On Saturday morning, I walked into the living room, and to my horror, I found Maggie coloring all over the middle couch cushion....WITH LIPSTICK!!!!! Not only do I not use lipstick ever (it came from one of those damn-freaking Clinique free gift bags), but my parents just gave us that couch three years ago, after they used it for ten years and got sick of it, and I happen to think it's very nice, probably the nicest piece of furniture we own--you know, in a plaid kind of way.

I immediately ran to my computer, searched for something to the tune of HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO GET RID OF LIPSTICK ON MY COUCH? I TOTALLY SUCK AT LAUNDRY!, and moved into action. I peeled the cover off of the cushion, doused it with goo gone, and carried the whole wet mess down to the laundry room.

I flipped up the lid to the washing machine (because I probably won't get a front loader until my parents get one, use it for ten years, get sick of it, and give it to us), and noticed washing directions for all kinds of stains. Believe it or not, there was even special directions for how to launder items that were soiled with cosmetics. Turns out, you should wash those kinds of things on hot.

So I did. I washed the cover to my couch cushion on hot.

Enter the three letters I sincerely hate to love: FML.

That's right, I took that lipstick covered couch cushion cover, and I shrunk the hell out of it. Actually, I shrunk that cover so good, that I haven't been able to squeeze it back on to the cushion. Hopefully no one will notice the difference. Honestly, is it obvious?


24 comments:

Liz said...

But it is very clean!

HL said...

I LOLed here in my cube. So hilarious!!

Michelle said...

Okay, so people are looking at me since I snorted while laughing at your post. Way to go, Amy! LOL

Grandma said...

ok, how cute is Maggie in that scarf, fuzzy bear vest, stockings, and tutu! but............ the coloring on the couch...1st of all, I won't be getting a front loader b/c as you may recall, wanted to make sure I moved my 1975 harvest gold Maytag up here w/ us! So it sits in the basement ready to roll back into action when the Whirlpool goves.Dad saw the couch picture and said you're so good at sewing...just cut a scetion form the back of the couch and make a new cover....oh yeah, like that would be so easy?

joolee said...

I did the exact same thing last year with a brand new couch I got at a thrift store. OK. It was brand new to us. I paid $100 for it only to take it home and wash ALL three cushion covers.....maybe on hot....maybe on warm, but the point is I dried them in the dryer!!! Same FML result. So then I went and tucked a tablecloth around all three cushions together.....cuz I'm classy like that. Then a few months later one of our outdoor cats snuck in for an unsupervised weekend and peed all over the whole thing.......making my whole shrunk cushion ordeal VERY small potatoes. I definitely feel your pain.

Grandma said...

goves and scetion=gives and section:)

Marc and Megan said...

I also had to google FML a while back. Maggie definitely has a cuteness problem!! AND, Amy you are so flippin' talented at the sewing machine that I'm sure it would be easy for you to piece together a new cover, using some other material on the side that is down. I know that isn't the point... as if you need something more to add to your to do list. Can't wait to see how the story ends here!

Jen said...

But you got the lipstick out!
YOu could try getting the cover wet again - and pulling on it to stretch it a bit & then let it air dry.
OR Get it wet, then put it on the cushion, then let it air dry.

Jen said...

But you got the lipstick out!
YOu could try getting the cover wet again - and pulling on it to stretch it a bit & then let it air dry.
OR Get it wet, then put it on the cushion, then let it air dry.

Chelsea said...

Oh my gosh that was so funny! I feel really bad about your couch though. A word of advice: don't wash anything stained with hot water. Even if the item doesn't shrink hot water will usually set the stain. Cold water is a much better bet :).

Paradox said...

You can take it to a drycleaners and get it stretched. I work at a drycleaners, and we just had some couch cushions come in and go out.

For future reference, couch cushions are usually dry clean only ;)

Karen said...

Such are the JOYS of parenthood!

jadine said...

On an unrelated note, is the Queen of Cutness a lefty?

jadine said...

*cuteness*

Erin said...

Holy stinkin cute! Maggie is adorable! And her sense of style is second to none.

As for the couch, just throw a blanket over it. No biggie :) You have 2 kids...it's going to be ruined over the next few years anyway.

Mindy said...

Oh, Amy... I laughed when I saw your facebook status update, and laughed more when i read the details. I'm sorry. Oh, and I don't think anyone will notice. The three cushions look practically identical. Snort.

Cheryl said...

You should definitely sue the washing machine manufacturer for printing such horrible stain removal advice right on the machine! And I guess it's time to get a slipcover.

Melissa said...

Honestly, I wouldn't have noticed if you didn't point it out.

Brad and Rebecca said...

Addie did the same thing last summer. RED lipstick all over our 4 day old CARPET! I was bal-is-tick. I blame those stupid Lancome free gifts!!!

Blaine said...

At least it was a couch cushion. Try bright red nail polish on vinyl floor? That equals insurance claim. Three months later after the new nice wood laminate floor is in, the same daughter gets up in the middle of the night, turns on the water to get a drink, puts her cup back in the sink where the water is flowing...forgets to turn off the water. We now have tile. It happens.

Lisa said...

Done that. Solution: slip cover.

Tara said...

If it were me, I'd just make a new cushion cover in a coordinating fabric (maybe a couple throw pillows while you're at it... you know, to tie the whole thing together) and call it a designer couch.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

I'm just amazed at how good it looks after 13 years! The shrink would be an improvement on my couch. And that little one is As Cute As It Gets. What a Doll!

Oh, and I came thru Melissa-I'm not a Completely Random stranger ; )

Chantel said...

haha... I like fart on my life better than the other meaning :-P

At least it's clean... and she sure does have a cuteness problem!

ps. front loading washing machines aren't actually that good, they get mold a lot easier than top loading. Just so you know in case you're parents ever decide to get one and then give it to you :)