I've Changed.

May 18, 2011

I've changed.

Last night, I was standing in the bathroom, mulling over a question that all American women occasionally (or obsessively) ponder throughout their lives...

If I could magically change one part of my body what would it be?

Fifteen years ago, or maybe even five years ago, I would have had a list a mile long: thinner thighs, a firmer butt, silkier hair, a clearer complexion, a super flat stomach, and so on and so forth. But not last night.

Last night, the answer came to me like a flash of lightening. If I could magically change one thing about my body, I would...beyond the shadow of a doubt...heal this damn freaking hemorrhoid that's been plaguing my existence for the entire last decade.

That's it. That's all.

That hemorrhoid is quite literally the only think I'd change about my body. Hitting thirty has either provided me with exceptionally solid self esteem, launched me into an unfixable slump, or both.

My hair's frizzy? So what! My stretch marks make my stomach look like a road map of Boston? Who cares?! It feels like I'm pooping out shards of glass every time I hit the pot? OH PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!

Now Jared on the other hand, has had the same, unwavering answer for the entirety of his adult life. If he could change one thing about his body, he'd give himself a super penis. Fair enough.
 
James, hearing this conversation through the vent hole in his bedroom floor piped in and told us that if he could change one thing about his body, he'd have, "six heads on the top, four legs on the bottom, and six eyes tossed all over the place." Not surprising in the least.
 
What would you change?

15 comments:

M.A. said...

You are SOOOOO further along on Maslow's Hierarchy ...it's a bit nauseating. I'm gimping it up way behind you like a challenged third cousin..because right now I am thinking "where the heck to I begin???"

Erin said...

I would change my fingers! They are on the short / chubby side and have been referred to as sausage fingers on multiple occasions.

funderson said...

Super penis? Like with a cape and stuff?? I want to see the logo for Super Penis..

Mel said...

Honestly at this point I'd just like to be more toned in the body I have. I can deal with the stretch marks but it would be nice to have that skin toned and I don't think that's actually going to happen. I mean heck I've lost over 60lbs ALL. BY. MYSELF. And I have to be stuck with saggy skin.

I've found my list has shrunk dramatically as I get older. I just like ME better.

Tara said...

I agree with the earlier post. You are way further evolved than your years. At 38 1/2, I continue to obsess over the # on the scale like a 16 year old girl. It really is a sickness. The sad part is, I TRULY believe my life would be completely diffent if that # was what I want it to be. There must be a 12-step program for me somewhere.

Stef said...

Okay, that is hilarious. When I had my youngest, my hemi's (as we like to call them) decided to move to the outside of my body. TMI? Yeah well, it makes wiping a joy. I would change that too.
I think every male in America wishes for a little more in the penis area. Whatever!

Chelsea said...

I would be taller. That is the one thing I would change. I'm only 4'11" and it is annoying. It annoys me that I can't reach things that most people can. It annoys me that people feel the need to point it out, especially when they've first met me, and often throughout the course of our existence. It annoys me that I would change it! It's annoying to be short.

Jared said...

Ok! Since my privates have become a topic to be discussed nationally, I want to make sure that you are all aware that.... oh nevermind, nothing I say is gonna make a difference.

Bahston Beans said...

This isn't a fair question to ask a preggo...so I'll go with I'd like to be lactose tolerant.

Morgan said...

LPT sent me and my god this was hilarious!!!!!!!!

Lynn said...

I found you from LPT too and have read a few pages back (creeper? maybe...) and um, OMG you are hilarious!!

Renée said...

Internationally, Jared. I'm from Canada.

Adam said...

Wait - super penis' (penie?) exist!? I'm going to go searching for that the next time I am in walmart.

Team O'Connor said...

Hahahaha! Your blog is literally the only one my husband will let me read to him of all my friends. I'm going to say that even before removing my hemorrhoid, I'm going to remove the excess fat at the top of my inner thigh so I can walk comfortably in shorts that do not have spandex shorts built into them. That is a dream of mine. No more chaffing!

Kim Kempton said...

I would get the boobs back my children took away from me - one cup size at a time! Sad I know, but i miss them!