Mysterious Ways

July 26, 2011

This blog post (as well as a huge fart and a rousing rendition of 'What it Takes' by Aerosmith) is brought to you by 20 ice cold ounces of Coca Cola Classic after 9 pm.

For real, this is good. Because I haven't been the mood to funny blog in a long freaking time, and I really think I miss it. I really do.

And on that note, I don't think I'll end up pulling the private plug. I just can't. Because God told me not to. This is not a joke. It happened through an extended version of the transitive property of equality--you know, if A=B and B=C, then A=C....mine was more like A=G--but it totally counts. God told me to read a very powerful scripture in Acts, and somehow, through a moderately tricky math equation, he told me to keep my blog open to the masses.

What? Doesn't God talk to you through 7th grade math that you didn't ever know in the first place? If not, you should probably listen harder at church.

Speaking of church, my husband is now the Second Counselor in the Bishopric. Considering the fact that his foremost personal goal is to forsake his family to live under a mushroom in the woods, and our biggest goal as a couple is to simultaneously experience sexual climax during that killer guitar solo in 'Sweet Child of Mine' by Guns n' Roses, this Bishopric thing is straight up confusion-inducing.

Now for those of you non-Mormons out there, please, put down your glass of happiness/wine, and allow me to explain. If you're a Protestant or an Evangelical, Second Counselor in the Bishopric is roughly equivalent to an Associate Pastor. If you're a Catholic, it's pretty much on par with a Deacon. And if you're a normal sleeper-inner on a Sunday, I'd say it equals a crazy waste of time and energy.

This is a non-paid gig that takes up about two hundred hours a week. But I think it comes with fringe benefits like pixie dust and unicorn flavored lollipops, so I'm getting cool with it. Totally working to embrace this new space in my life.

Oh and as a point of clarity, in case you don't remember... Mormons don't volunteer to do anything--we're called to do various jobs at church. Which essentially means that someone tells you I don't care if you're tone deaf, you're the new choir director, and you say Okay while you're busy thinking Damn I hate that singing crap.

So yes, Jared now wears a suit on Sundays, and sits up near the pulpit. I now wear a lacy black bra under a white shirt on Sundays, and sit directly in his line of sight to try and distract him from his seriousness. When that fails, I mouth things to him like Monkey Intercourse and Flactuation Station. Honestly, I really don't care if the Bishop sees what I'm saying, he needs to be aware of these things, too--it's called knowing your congregation.

Lots of people are congratulating us on this craziness and asking us how we feel. Truthfully, you know how I feel? I feel like I want to know what's in the attic of that church building, and now that there's a key in my house, you can bet yer bottoms that I'll find out soon.

But I'm also feeling like Jared's already changing--in a not so good way. For example, this past Saturday he wanted to go to the church picnic. I'm sorry...hold the phone...is this the same man who used the Big F on me and gave me an extended silent treatment when I decided to go to Stake Conference this past spring? This very same man is all the sudden opting to go make butter pioneer-style with his church family on a Saturday afternoon?

Yup. Same guy.

But wait, I haven't even gotten to the worst of it.

He made me change out of my spandex workout suit before we left the house. And people, the fact that I look like a total ass-kicker in spandex, well, that's my spiritual gift.

He said, No Amy, it's not appropriate.

So I said, My ass looks like a couple of candle pin bowling balls in these pants, Jared.

And he said, Watch your mouth.

And I said, I SWEAR I DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU ANY MORE. UGH!

So he said, Go get some pants on. They're churning without us.

I did it. I put on some jeans, went to the church, and played pioneer games just like the rest of the congregation. But (there's always a but), I also took a Costco-sized barrel of cheese balls and planted them on top of the fridge in the church kitchen. Generally speaking, there's a strict rule against putting things on top of kitchen fridge, but Jared used his authority to overturn that policy--because sometimes his wife works up a lion of an appetite during the really long prayers.

Which makes me think Huh, maybe he's the same old Jared after all.

I guess we won't know until Sunday--when I show up to church in my hooker heels.

I'll keep you posted.

13 comments:

The Queen Bee said...

Oh. My. God. Seriously - you are the funniest person on this planet. So glad you decided to keep your blog open to the masses, because I've got to tell you girl, I am loving you here in Boston!

jed-laura said...

very mysterious indeed :)

Haha- Congratudolances to your family.

-J & L

Stef said...

Haha. That is too funny. I pray that day never comes to us....the calling, not the hooker heels.

Mindy said...

Oh, Amy... you have the best way with words. :) My favorite? The part about the bishop needing to know the congregation. You just keep on whispering those "sweet nothings"... I love it!

Helen said...

Obligatory comment so if you do go private I can e-mail you and ask you to invite me because I used to leave you comments all the time.

Team O'Connor said...

I am so excited that Jared used the word "inappropriate" on you. That's our family joke because about 99% of everything I did as a youth was deemed inappropriate by my dad. It feels so nostalgic when I read it :) I'm proud of you.

Tara said...

won't this new second bishop thingy intervere with Jared's fishing time?

And since when is spandex inappropriate attire!? you're in MAINE!?

All kidding aside, super happy to see you are keeping it real and open to the public:)

Michemily said...

Praise the Lord that you're not going private. Is it the calling that made you consider it?

Leeann Ward said...

So glad you're not going private. Thanks for the good laugh. My mom deemed everything "inappropriate" too. We still cringe when we hear that word.:)

Adam said...

Unicorn lollies are the best. Second only to baby seal tears.

I drank a cup full of happieness last night. It made my run today slightly less happy. So, there is that. I should go drink some water or something.

I don't know what bowling ball ass looks like, but I'm sure its good. Soooo, good job.

Unknown said...

Thank you. The world is better with your blog in it.

The Boohers said...

The problem with you funny bloggers is that there is a lot of pressure to write a funny comment. Dang you! So happy you are staying open to the masses. You are my favorite accidentally-found blog, and I'm getting some really great ideas from you about things you can do to make people at church feel awkward. I think that's why God wanted you to keep this blog open.

January said...

Oh my gosh, I don't even know where to begin. Wow. WOOOOW! lol