September 27, 2011
Today I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Not the Oops! I spilled my chocolate milk! side of the bed, the really, really wrong side of the bed.
I spent the night tossing and turning, and when I did doze off for a minute or two, I was dreaming about A) snakes, or B) the teenagers I teach from church. Now don't get me wrong, I love these teenagers madly, but I see them in my living room every morning at 6 o'clock, we really don't need to frolic in my dreams.
So when the alarm went off at 5, and I rolled out of bed, I was feeling much less than fresh. I was jealous that Jared was still sleeping, I was annoyed that Tuesdays are work days, I was beyond frustrated when I heard Maggie fuss, and I kind of felt like throwing a cinder block--you know, just because.
After seminary was over and the kids filed out, Jared rolled out of bed. He walked down the hall yawning, stretching his arms over his head and let out a sleepy, but happy good morning.
Instead of a hug and a kiss, or a Hey J, or a smile and a wave, I laid right into him. "Remember how you crapped on me for never picking up after myself?" I prodded, "Well you made popcorn last night and didn't pick up any of it."
He said, "You're right. I'm sorry. I'll pick it up."
And then, still feeling pretty combative, I launched into a dramatic soliloquy about our evil bills and their impending, fiery due dates.
Now, three hours later, I'm sitting at my desk, with my head in my hands, asking myself why I have to be so mean. But not only that, why do I have to be so mean to Jared?
Hey you over there. Yeah you. The one who's my loyal husband and the devoted father to our kids. Come over her so I can CRAP ON YOUR HEAD.
Quite seriously, there are days when I'm embarrassed to be myself. I can't even muster up the energy to make excuses for myself--I just suck.
Last night, I rocked both of my kids before bed, and I'm not even kidding when I tell you that we sang along to a song called I'm Trying to be Like Jesus. You know--kind, patient, loving, understanding, helpful, self-controlled, forgiving, and one million other fabulous characteristics.
Then this morning I was all, "Hey kids, watch this! Mommy will now show you the opposite of being like Jesus. And she will use your father as a prop!"
The bottom line is: I AM SUCH A BLOW HOLE.
And there's an addendum to the bottom line: Even if your car is being repossessed while your dog falls into a pit of quick sand, and your jello mold cracks down the middle while a 2,000 pound bag of rocks falls onto your newly re-shingled roof, BEING CRAPPY TO YOUR SPOUSE WON'T HELP ANY OF IT.
So today, right now, I'm recommitting to live a life that's more like the life of Jesus--especially in my dealings with Jared.
1) We will start by having fishes for dinner tonight. I have a whole bag of frozen fishes from Trader Joe's, so this line item works particularly well.
2) I'll remember that Jared's doing his very best.
3) I won't raise my voice or push his crap around unless he's selling discounted iPads at the Temple--which I've never seen him do.
4) I'll stop being selfish and greedy and stingy--because if I'm being straight up honest, I'd LOVE to roll around naked in a big pile of $50 bills.
5) I'll be a team player, because somewhere in the scriptures I think it says something about a house divided collapses on your head, and believe me that is the LAST thing we need right now.
6) If I feel like being wretched, I'll say some prayers and hope it changes my mind.
7) If it doesn't change my mind, I'll remember that Jesus wasn't wretched.
8) I'll do some extra service for Jared--like fold his laundry or clean his shotgun.
9) I won't pick on him for things I'm equally bad, or worse at.
10) I'll just be nicer.
I'll probably skip the part where I preach to him and call him to repentance. Actually, I've been doing that for a while, and it's not effective.
Are you wretched sometimes, too? Any other tips for being less of a nagging old hag, and more of a helpful loving wife? I could use 'em.