Big Ass Painting Woops

November 22, 2011

My Dad is one of those guys who can fix anything. Anything.

He rebuilds cars, he fixes boat engines, he paints, he remodels, he lays carpet, and I when I was a child, I kid you not, he put an addition on our house by himself. Literally, all by himself. There was no architect, there were no subcontractors. The only help he ever had was for one hour, when a few of friends came over to help him heft the ginormous supporting joist in exchange for a couple of Busch Beers.Other than that, the family room was built el-solo.

It's funny how life patterns itself, because I also have a husband who likes to do things all by himself. Such as hunt, fish, wipe, and sleep when he pisses me off.

They do say you marry your father!

My father was blessed with a daughter who happens to be a whole lot of fun, but also a sh$%-a$$-cluster-$%^& of a mess. Thanks to the Mormon religion, I'm not an alcoholic. And thanks to the pure Grace of God and a Southern friend who likes to pop by unexpectedly, I'm not a hoarder. But I will admit, every time I watch that show, I fell really really bad for those the hoarders are being wronged.

Because they are.

You can hear me desperately pleading with the TV waves. I'm like, "No, please, don't. Please let her keep the vintage jar of beans and the doll with no head. Please. They MEAN SOMETHING TO HER."

I also think my toothbrush has feelings.

Anyhoo, I'm a completely disorganized mess, and as such, I rarely finish a home-repair project beyond 90%. You can see 'em all over my house. Every room has a gem or two. And Jared's probably worse. Even if I do the first 90% of the project completely on my own, he refuses to participate in any portion of the final 10.

If I say, "Jared, I just ripped out this closet, re-sheetrocked, painted, stenciled, and showered it with pixie dust. Can you hang these hooks?" He'll go, "You got us into this mess, now you get us out of this mess. Where's my dog?"

Then I start hating him, and I consciously decide not the hang the hooks, because I want a constant reminder of how much he sucks ever time I try to hang my coat and it slumps to the ground.

(What's that? You need marriage advice? Call me!)

Anyhoo, my parents are rolling into town any minute, and I decided I absolutely had to complete two unfinished painting projects before my father sets eyes on my house and has to give himself a pep-talk about unconditional love. I had to:

1) Paint the ceiling in the mudroom, and

2) Paint the trim in the upstairs hallway.

The mudroom's done. It went fine. Actually, it's not done. There's a little hole in the wall, and it really needs a second coat of paint that it'll never get. See? Done. But the upstairs hallway? Let's just say it is, was, and will be the biggest painting oops of my entire time on this planet. And probably the eternities after.

This is the upstairs hallway. Not too long ago (in honor of Gracie's death if we're being perfectly honest), we put down new floors. Sweet old greyhound, she used to like to take long, giant pees up there just to remind us that she only kind of liked us. So, about forty-five minutes after she died, through my sobs, wails, and hyperventilation, I was like, "What's...sob, sob, cry...the budget...sob, sob, sob...for when I go...heave, heave, cry...floor shopping tomorrow?"

Very sad moment. Still tears me up just a splash.

So, we laid new floors, we replaced the trim, and we painted the walls. Only I was too cheap to buy brand new paint for such a small area, so I mixed some dark beige and some light beige and made just enough medium beige to cover the walls. And by the way, I know. It's a lot of beige.

So I painted the walls, and Jared put up the trim.

And it needed to be painted.

And two months later it still needed to be painted.

And one month later, when by dad was just about to visit, it still needed to be painted.

So I painted it.

But when I painted it, I got just a little bit of white paint on the wall. No biggie, I'd cover it up with my homemade medium beige.

So I did.

Except it wasn't beige. I'm apparently really stupid in dim places, because it was actually white. See?

I'm all out of my homemade beige. Well I wasn't out of homemade beige, but I was getting emotionally attached to the almost empty can, calling it 'Uncle' and stuff, so Jared threw it away. I never knew.

So my homemade color is gone, and I can't really waltz over to the paint store and go, "Whip me up one gallon of hocus-pocus medium beige," while I wiggle my fingers to make the scene look at magical.

I can't very well bring an entire wall and have it colored matched either.

My only alternative is to repaint the ENTIRE HALLWAY. And really, how long do you think that'll take?

I give it a year. I'm sorry Dad.


TheOneTrueSue said...

I don't know, I think the white stripe gives it a certain je-nay-se-quoia. Or however the hell you spell it. (I like to come to your blog and swear in the comments. It feels so freeing.)

I did this once. What I ended up doing was using a razor blade to make a nice sized little peeling of paint and took it to Home Depot they were able to analyze it in their little machine thingie and create some "close enough" paint. Because there was no way in hell I was repainting that wall. (I DID IT AGAIN. THE FREEEEDOM!)


Mindy said...

Now you've got me all sorts of nervous to actually attempt tackling the task of painting my kitchen.

Kandi said...

I love that the "Life is Shor" painting appears on this particular wall.

David said...

Was something wrong? I couldn't really tell.

jed-laura said...

I agree with taking a slice of the paint off with a razor blade or exacto knife, and seeing if they can match it to "close enough" and call it good.

Good luck.
We've got a few moments where we need to touch up our trim that got painted over by a centimeter or so with red paint.... but we don't know what color the trim in our home was painted. And I'm NOT ABOUT TO REPAINT THE WHOLE ENTIRE TRIM IN OUR HOME just to fix a coupla itsybittsy dollar-sized painting errors. :) I totally get it.

Sarah said...

Is that a light switch in the middle of the wall? Take a chunk-o-paint from under there and have it matched from that. I've had it done before. And I am the world's number one DIY F-up. No kidding.

Michemily said...

I made three long visits to Home Depot two weeks ago in order to guess what color the wall is and to bring it home to find out I wasn't even close. Third try, I found the right one. You could try that and I'm sure you'd get something at least kind of close. But anyway, did your dad say anything about it? And maybe you could get your dad to hang up those hooks so that whenever you hang up your coat you can still remember how mad you are at Jared.

BrianFlash said...

Isn't all beige medium? Such a neutral color should match anything!

I do like that 'Life is Shor' plaque though.

Morgan -Ing said...

I like it like that.

Tanwon said...

Draw an arbitrary line down the wall and fill it in with a new color and call it an "accent wall". However, I think the other suggestions are much better.

Alisha said...

If you ever visited my house, you would feel so much better about your paint jobs. We have one "accent" wall that has been burnt orange, yellow, red, and lime green. You would be able to tell this since you can see all four colors in one spot or another along the top, which is how it's stayed for 4 years. :)

Mel said...

another vote for take a hunk of paint off from somewhere hidden (behind the picture) and take it to Home Depot (or wherever) and have them match it. It should be REALLY close. I had to do it with a home made one I made.

Karen said...

Unscrew the bulb in the hallway ceiling. Dad will never notice the discrepency in the paint.

Tara said...

I can so relate to this Amy! I love Andy very much but accepted long ago that if anything in the house is to be repaired, fixed, updated, or in anyway altered... it would be up to me. However, he comes in handy when the snow flies or the laundry needs to be done:) He can also lift heavy things and eat lots of leftovers; so he's got his strengths too:)

Grandma said...

projects unfinished?.c'mon Amy...guess you don't remember how I feared you would crawl into the heat vents that weren't covered upstairs.....then when you were about 5 ft. tall I stopped thinking you would crawl in there.