Magnet Update
August 31, 2007

So I said I'd mail them on Tuesday. But Friday's not so bad, huh? The magnets are in the mail my friends, the magnets are in the mail.

They came out unexpectedly huge, so I suggest that you spend some time this weekend clearing up some space on your fridge. If you live in Manhattan and use one of those mini-fridges, then clear off the whole darn thing...they're that big.

It was actually the size that caused the unexpected delay in shipping, I had to buy some bigger envelopes to house these beauties.

Can't wait to hear how you like them! They're totally scrap-ta-trash-alistic!

The List

August 31, 2007

I personally believe that in order to maintain sanity in marriage, it's very important to preserve a sense of individuality. It seems to me that almost everything is shared or merged once you say 'I do'--from toe nail clippers to pets to bank accounts--whether you like it or not, it's fifty-fifty.

With the exception of my laptop and Jared's fishing equipment, we have rarely tried to fight this natural trend. We have, however, tried to maintain our personal interests. For example, Jared likes fishing, camping, skiing and hiking. I like eating, sleeping, babysitting and crying.

In addition to these hobbies, we have, since the first day of our marriage, made a joint effort to preserve one more piece of our personal lives...we call it 'The List.' If you're a close friend or family member, then you probably know about 'The List.' But if you're a casual acquaintance from cyber-space, let me fill you in. 'The List', which is short for 'The List of People I Would Make Out With Even Though I'm Married', is pretty self-explanatory, don't you think?

Now 'The List' is not some type of free-for-all-craziness. That would be gross. There are very specific rules pertaining to it's development. In case you're interested in developing your own, here are the guidelines:

1. The list may contain up to three people.

2. The people on the list must be, at the very least, D class celebrities (so no, we can't be like "The plumber is on my list, ok?")

3. The people on the list must be carefully discussed and agreed upon by both parties.

4. The people on the list cannot be freaky.

Jared's list currently contains two ladies: Sheryl Crow and Jennifer Aniston.

Well done Jared! Great choices if I do say so myself.

Please don't misunderstand, I'm straight as an arrow, but I also find Sheryl Crow to be absolutely smokin' hot. When she picks up that old guitar and starts belting out Leaving Las Vegas, I just can't hold myself back. Even if I'm driving alone down the freeway I use my hands to swing big circles above my head and I'm like "I LOVE YOU SHERYL!!!!!"

And Jennifer Aniston? If Jared didn't claim that Ms. Anistion was totally fine, then I think I'd have to leave him for someone who wasn't battling with a compulsive lying problem. She's a fox, so stop pretending like you disagree.

Jared decided to remove Katie Couric from his list a few months ago, on the grounds that her lips are shrinking. That was a happy conversation. I was so relieved that he had finally come to his senses. He was equally relieved when I made the choice to remove Matt Lauer. Yeah, I guess it was a bit of a dark time for both of us.

So who, you might be wondering, is on my list? Well, it's changed a few times throughout our five year marriage and has included various hotties such as Ty Pennington and Will Smith. Currently, however, my list is composed of two VERY fine gentlemen: Curtis, The Take Home Chef from TLC (pictured above) and Michael Buble.

Mm. Mm. Mm. No additional details required.

So, who's on your list?

The X-Ray Machine
August 30, 2007

Today, I'm happy to announce that I have a temporary, yet wonderful reprieve from my normal babysitting routine. Instead of watching my friends' boys from eleven until nine, they're not getting dropped off until four.

** and cue the heavenly singing**

James is down for his afternoon nap, so here I am, lying on the couch, eating cookies and watching Martha Stewart. I'm no expert, but I think this remarkably similar to how the afterlife will be.

I love Martha Stewart. She's a total biznatch, and I just can't get enough. I especially enjoy the way she enunciates her Ts, Ds, Ns, and various other letters of the alphabet--I think she picked up that habbit when she was in the pen. Incarcerated women are widely know for their beautiful alliteration.

So Martha was all like, "Mmm...these very preTTy coD fillets tasTe oh so gooD with..." when the phone rang.

It was Jared, and he was calling to update me about a few potential properties for his chiropractic office. One real estate ad pictured an x-ray machine, and from the way the ad was worded, it was very difficult to know if the machine was included in the deal. So Jared called to clear it up with the agent, and then called me to fill me in on what was up.

Jared: No, it's just a led-lined room, the x-ray machine isn't part of the deal.

Me: Oh, ok.

Jared: Yeah, apparently the guy who used to own it donated it to some third world county.

Me: Oh, that's SO nice.

Jared: No it's not! He could have donated it to me. I'm JUST as poor as the people in those countries!

Me: Ummm...ya wanna rethink that comment?

Jared: You're right, they don't have colleges in third world countries.

Me: See? We're way better off!

Jared: No! No colleges means no student loan debt. Amy--we're POORER than these people!

Yeah, compassion isn't necessarily my husband's strongest quality. But somehow, I just can't help but love this man.

I Guess I Should Tell You...
August 30, 2007

CAUTION: LONG AND BORING POST AHEAD

I called my sister last night and gave her the normal telephone greeting, "Hi Kate, it's Amy." But instead of getting any kind of normal response from the girl, she replied, "NO BLOG!?" I guess the lack of Lawsons threw her individual planet off of its axis for a day--must have been traumatic.

"You always write a blog on weekdays," she explained, "you ALWAYS do." And instead of telling her the real reason for the bloglessness, I changed the subject and began talking about scrambled eggs.

I didn't have blogger's block yesterday, in fact, it's not usual that I do. Instead, I had a stroke of inspiration. I sat down on my lucky loveseat, like I do everyday, and began to write. But instead of opening up Blogger, I opened up a Word document...a blank one.

Before I go any further, let me back up a bit. This blog started in March or April--I don't really remember--on my myspace page. In a blatant effort to avoid working on my thesis, I wrote a little story about trying to buy James a cabbage patch kid. Much to my surprise, it was kind of witty--at least my mom said it was. Then came a little story about teaching James to call me "Hot Mom" instead of plain old "Mom", and then I think I wrote about a high kick contest gone bad. I was ridiculously behind on my thesis, and loving every sweet moment.

A few weeks before my thesis was due, I wrote a running skirt review, and posted a link to it in the daily Mom's discussion thread in the Runner's World forums. It got tossed around the discussion boards a little bit, and all of the sudden *BAM* I had gotten seven comments on one post. And that was that, I started blogging all the time.

But more importantly, I made a very secret promise to myself. I decided that I'd write as much as I could through the summer, see how it went, and then in the fall, I'd try to do something with all of it. In other words--wow, I hate to admit this--I'd try to become a writer.

Well guess what? Here in Dallas, the summer is over. Not in terms of the heat (everyone still has kickin' B.O.), but the school year has started, I have one-hundred-and-thirtyish blog posts, and it's time to make good on my promise.

There are certain types of personal commitments that I'm no good at following through with--they tend to be small ones. How many times have I said to myself, "I will do laundry twice a week!" or "I'm going to lose ten pounds!" or "I'm gonna read this month's book club book!" I can't even tell you how many times I've made those claims, and I've never EVER helped them come to fruition.

But the big things, like "I'm running a marathon." or "I'm going to finish this masters degree." or "I'm going to find a way to be a stay-at-home-mom on twenty-two-thousand dollars a year.", those things have always worked out. I'm going to file "I'm going to have a career as a writer" with the big things, and if I follow my typical patterns, it might just happen. Despite my most genuine efforts, I'm sure that my child will continue to be bathed only when my mother comes to visit, but this writing thing?--I can make it happen.

So yesterday, like I was saying, I sat down on my couch, opened up Microsoft Word and typed the phrase:

Chapter One.

A surge of tingling excitement welled up inside my chest...and then I had the overwhelming urge to boof. Yes, I'm writing a book. How unbe-freaking-lievably ridiculous is that? Totally, I know.

I've spent the summer doing a great deal of research about freelancing (I even have a subscription to Writer's Market), but I can't dispel the nagging feeling that it's just not for me. I realize that it's far more practical, and I know that I'm completely capable, but I'm not sure I'm passionate about it. I'm going to write a book, and chapter one is moving right along...

So let the nervous farting begin!

I'm not going to tell you what the book is about. There are only two people who know--Jared and James. Jared happens to be the greatest secret keeper I've ever met, and James doesn't have a very firm grasp on the English language, or the world for that matter. He politely requested elephant sandwiches for supper last night, so I think my topic's safe with him.

James would probably tell you that my book was about evil robots wearing tutus, or something crazy like that. I can't even begin to tell you how off the mark that is! My book is actually about two magical unicorns seeking a music career in Nashville.

Wow, I should stop, I fear I've said too much already.

A Matter of Perspective

August 28, 2007

My husband joined the YMCA. Can you believe that? He's started exercising and I've started stocking up on canned goods, because seriously folks, the end is nigh. Hell has frozen over, and I think the earth will soon follow.

Next thing you know, I'm gonna run out and do something ridiculous, too--like vacuum. Oh man! That would really be something, huh?

Last night, after dinner, we all loaded into the Toyota and headed to the Y as a family. James played in the bounce house, I sat motionless on the recumbent bike reading People, and Jared ran on the treadmill.

After about thirty minutes, when I felt like I had adequately judged Brittany's latest antics, I headed to the scale to see if my page turning had prompted any miracles.

Mmmmm....not so much. According to that evil piece of equipment, I had actually gained eight pounds. "Oh, C'MON!" I huffed, and walked off to find Jared.

When I found my husband I was wearing an elephant-sized frown and he was sporting one of his classic 'I neglected to flush the toilet on purpose' grins.

We took one look at each other, and in unison, asked "What's going on?"

And then, in unison, we answered, "I gained eight pounds." The only difference was, I ended my sentence with the word 'damn it' and Jared ended his with a body builder pose.

And then, in unison, the truth of the situation dawned on us both...the scale was off by eight pounds. Hallelujah.

As Jared turned to walk away, all slumpy and deflated, I stopped him, looked deep into his eyes, gave him a firm pat on the butt and said, "Go get 'em tiny."

GOSH that felt good.