Vote for The Lawsons do Dallas!

November 3, 2007

WHERE ARE YOU PEOPLE?!

If you read my blog yesterday, then you probably saw my sister's courtesy post about the 2007 Weblog Awards. It's true, I'm one of the top ten finalists for the funniest blog of the year.

I would be really excited, except I'm in second-to-last place, and that's not a happy place to be. I hate to break it to all of you non-voters out there, but ninth place is not the new first place.

If you read this blog regularly, you really should click this link, select 'funniest blog' and cast your vote. It would be even better if you voted once every twenty-four hours until the competition ends on November 8th, and beg your friends to do it, too.

In case you're not convinced just yet, I've compiled a brief list of reasons you should take a second to vote for me.

10. I supply you with your daily laugh

9. My child has a kickin' afro

8. My dog's farts smell like turnips and garbage

7. I dressed James up as Richard Simmons for Halloween

6. I outweigh my husband by thirteen pounds today

5. I made a FAQ page and a Grillz Gallery

4. My husband puts deodorant in his bum crack

3. I use custom, Mormon-friendly curse words like schnit, dingle-shiz, and vajango

2. You were lucky enough to be in the middle of some recent blogger dramatics

1. If I win this honor, I will wear a sweatsuit to the award ceremony in Vegas

Please, please, PLEASE take a second to vote each day. I'm a trophy ho, and I'm lookin' for some action.

Oh, and while you're there, vote for Hollywood Flakes for the best parenting blog, because seriously, it's the best parenting blog.

The Grillz Gallery is Open for Bizzness!
November 3, 2007

I know, I know...I promised that the Grillz Gallery would be ready to view last night. Well it wasn't.

But it's open for viewing now! It's a work in progress, and new grillz will be added as they arrive. Thanks to everyone who contributed their precious time and talents.

Grillz Gallery
November 2, 2007

This is the future home of the Lawson's Grillz Gallery that I will post tonight. If you're confused, then read the next post...it will all come together.

A big thanks for the two grill pictures that have already come in. In case you're also interested in fitting the Lawsons with some custom Photoshopped mouth bling, here are some pictures that might work.

That's the only picture that I could find with James's teeth. I know he looks a little mad, but once his teeth are tricked out, I think he'll look fierce.

Thanks for volunteering your valuable time and talents to this great cause. We're planning on using these pictures for our Christmas cards! No...seriously.

Nature and Nurture
November 1, 2007

On several occasions, people have asked me where my unique sense of humor comes from. I'd have to say that it's both inherited and learned--from my mother.

She's a nut. A fantastically hilarious nut.

Does your mother send you emails like the one I received tonight?

Amy...I have decided I am on the computer too much..but I was checking some jewelry prices after that party...and Amy, I saw a link to custom teeth which peaked my interest, and I then linked to gangstagold.com I really can't believe all the kinds of fancy cubic zirconia teeth. You must check it out. xo Mom

Do custom-crafted golden gangster teeth peak your mother's interest? Probably not.

If you have a few extra minutes in the office this Friday, I strongly urge you to check out gangstagold.com. It's your one-stop shop for hard-to-find bling, old school dookie ropes (?), and cubic zirconia tooth caps. As if that's not enough, they also provide a handy guide for starting your very own gold tooth business.

So what are you waiting for?

Oh, and for the love of all things edible, if you have any photoshop skills whatsoever, and a few spare minutes PLEASE make a picture of me sporting a tricked-out, blingtastic grill. I really, really want that.

Feeding Time at the Zoo
November 1, 2007

I'm not sure if it's the halloween hangover or what, but the children at my house are acting like unstable little orphaned primates. I'm in charge of three boys under the age of three, and if there ever comes a day when I have to sheepishly call a mother to explain a broken bone, today will probably be it. The three mini-men are jumping on the couch, bouncing on the dog, twisting themselves up in the clean laundry, and subjecting me to all other manners of craziness.

Right now they're sleeping. It wasn't easy, but they're noiseless--thank goodness.

An hour ago, before this unconscious bliss, the shidazzle was totally hitting the fan. Somehow, all three of the boys became hungry and tired AT THE SAME TIME--holy mole-kisser, you should've seen it.

I sat them all at the table, just like I always do. I gave them each their regular lunch, just like I always do. And we said a little food blessing, just like we always do. But instead of eating happily, just like they always do, chaos ensued.

James bounced a half eaten chicken nugget off the back of Nate's head. This sent Nate into a raging tantrum...on the kitchen table. Before I could wrangle him up, his little flailing body rolled right over onto James's plate. Nick's back was covered in ketchup, James was mad that his nuggets were tainted, and Hayden (the baby of the group) was screaming just for the fun of it.

I stepped back, took a look at the drama, and wondered what in the hell I was supposed to do. Don't get me wrong, I'm an educated woman, but I never took Baby Wars 101. Despite its reputation for easiness at U Maine, I never even took Intro to Child Development--after all, I was NEVER going to work with children.

**SIDE NOTE: Never say never, folks. Trust me when I tell you: the universe is nothing but a giant ironic boomerang that's just sailing toward your unsuspecting ass.**

I stepped away, into the kitchen closet, for a private moment of prayer and reflection. In my mind I was like, "HAVE SOME MERCY, WOULD YA?" And wouldn't you know it, the mercy was granted.

This image popped into my mind, which sparked an idea. If Sarah Flake can make her child sleep in the tub, isn't it acceptable for me to make my child (um, and some other peoples' children) eat lunch in their cribs? It may sound strange, but it all boils down to simple mathematics, people:

TIRED + HUNGRY = EAT PB&J IN CRIB

It worked like a foolproof charm. I went door to door, checking on the kids, making sure everyone was okay. And one by one, they fell asleep, faces covered in jelly, and mattresses covered in breadcrumbs.

Sure I'll have to wash some extra sheets, but that's no big deal. I'll easily have that done by sometime in March. And if I add a pocket tv to the equation, my life will really ease up.