Ten Days of Chocolate
April 5, 2007

There's this Christian radio station that I like to listen to from 1-2 every weekday. They have a call-in show that's kind of like Dr. Laura, but a little less abrasive. People call in, they describe the ridiculous predicaments they've gotten themselves into, and plead for guidance. I love that! I can't tell you how much I enjoy listening to other peoples' self-inflicted troubles--it's my daily self-esteem boost. I listen and think "Oh my gosh! You freaking idiot! I would neeeevver do that!" "C'mon, what did you think was going to happen when you married a girl who never finished middle school!?" "Oooooh, ok, I've done that too...let's just get to the next caller."

Lately, I've been paying attention to the commercials on this radio station. Most of them are equally entertaining and something along these lines:

Make $100,000 a year working one hour a day from home!

Look 25 years younger in thirty minutes for only five dollars!

Grow the bushiest head of hair on your block!

and my new favorite...
Try the Ten Days of Chocolate diet and lose up to 20 pounds!

What?! The commercial goes on to tell the listener that they can eat unlimited amounts of real chocolate for ten days and lose their pesky flab. I'm sorry folks, I hate to poop the party, but there's simpy no way that this can be true. If you eat as much chocolate as you want for the next ten days you will lose one thing, and one thing only...your booty appeal to the opposite sex. In other words, you will become a broken-out-hunk-o-lard with an extra-large-side-of-saddle-bags. I know this, I've been pregnant.

I will however, let you on my own little dieting secret. Yesterday I ate a mini-bag of Cheetos. On second thought, "mini" is really not an appropriate adjective, so let me try it again. Yesterday I ate one honkin' bag of Cheetos. The bag was really deceiving. It was purchased at a Willie Nelson Bio-Diesel gas station and labelled "Big Grab." Back in my day, the big grab housed one or two servings of whatever crap it was that you were consuming--well, times have changed. This big grab had four servings of cheesy-powdered-goodness, 640 calories, and 40 whopping grams of fat! "Totally and utterly disgusting!!!" I thought.

And then I ate the whole thing.

Well, I woke up this morning, feeling fantastic. I felt even more fantastic when I stepped on the scale and learned that I had lost two pounds.

So please, don't listen to those numb-skulls on the radio. It's not the Ten Days of Chocolate diet, it's the Ten Days of Cheetos diet that'll get some results. If you would like more details about this fool-proof plan, send me fifty dollars and we'll go from there.

1 comment:

Samye said...

Love the chocolate plan... I think I am already on it but I don't think I am losing weight...nope not at all. But who knows...that could have something to do with being pregnant?? Who knows... anyway- love the blog...we'll keep in touch!!