May 16, 2007
My husband Jared is the self proclaimed 'King of Recreation.' Subsequently, I am the self proclaimed 'Queen of Walking the Dog and Taking Care of James All By Myself While My Husband Takes Fishing Trips.' Jared is actually taking a trip this week. To Oklahoma. For four days.
I don't mind these fishing trips so much--after all, I like a little bit of time to myself. I eat chocolate at every meal, spend money from the secret account that Jared will never know about, and watch way more TV than I would ever, ever admit. What I don't like this time is the length of the trip--four days. That's like 8 trips up and down the stairs with a dog and a stroller, by myself; 85 binky meltdowns, by myself; 20 zillion diaper changes, by myself; and 3 night of sleeping, by myself.
I tried to talk him down on the length of this trip last night before we went to bed, but the man simply wouldn't budge. I tried logic, I tried a guilt trip, I tried empty threats. He wouldn't have any of it, all he wanted to talk about was his camping menu--and just how anxious he was to consume the array of brand new condiments that was so lovinging displayed on our kitchen table. In a last ditch moment of desperation, I began to rattle of my list of hopes and wishes.
I was like, "Well, I see that you're not going to compromise on this one, Jared. In that case..."
- I hope you get attacked by a wicked angry mob of mosquitoes.
- I hope a raccoon pees in your cooler--two times.
- I hope you forget to pack toilet paper and get a roaring case of the squirts.
- I hope a bird poops on your bottom lip while you are deep in thought.
- I hope you pee in your waders.
- I hope you get so sweaty that you have to peel your schnuts off your thigh each night.
- I hope you catch every genus and species of marine animal except a fish.
- I hope all of your eyelashes fall out at the same time.
- I hope one of your fishing buddies makes an unexpected pass at you.
- And I hope the people at the campsite next to you have an unyielding passion for loud, gangsta rap music.
But you know? When I really stop to think about it, I mostly hope that he catches the biggest trout of his entire life, I hope he laughs with his buddies until he pees himself [sidenote: I still wouldn't mind if this happened in his waders], and I hope he misses me the entire time. Oh, but don't tell him I said that, ok?