Wicked Tacky
July 20, 2007

People talk to us about money...a lot. Probably because we have none. You see, up until a few months ago we were living completely off of student loans--and trust me when I tell you that those lenders don't give you a whole lot of money to live off of. Pretty much if you were a single person, who hated to eat, living in an efficiency apartment in 1967 you'd be really impressed with our loan check every semester. But if you're anyone else, the loan check would either make you snarf or you'd be like, "whaaaaa????" Of course the tides have turned in recent months now that I've landed my high-earning position as an executive babysitter (that was sarcastic).

Anyway, when people hear about our current financial situation, they usually react in one of two ways. They're either like:

"Wow, you guys are penniless morons!" To which I usually reply, "So are you." Because, let's face it guys, most people are.

Or they're like"

"Wow, I'm so impressed with your financial management skills and self control when it comes to spending." And I usually say something like, "Yes, I know. We're very proud of what we've been able to accomplish." And up until last night, I genuinely thought I was being sincere with that reply.

And then I had a bit of an epiphany.

I was lounging on the couch, watching some TV while Jared was at his softball game. I was flipping through our 7 channels, and stopped on that special about Victoria Beckham moving to America. You might want to spank me for saying this, but I think she's absolutely adorable. That girl has impeccable taste. Seriously you guys, she makes Paris Hilton look like a Garbage Pail Kid (remember those?). And that's when it hit me, like a thunder bolt from the heavens above....

I'm a very tacky girl.

And not just compared to that ex-Spice Girl--I'm tacky compared to most everyone. We don't survive off a dollar a day because I'm a good money manager. We survive off a dollar a day because I'm so wicked tacky, that my dollar can buy every single thing I want and then I still have some change to spare.

I'm serious you guys, I don't have my parent's kitchen table from the 1970's because we can't afford a new one. I have that table because I think it looks good.

I dress James in screen printed character tees with matching shorts on purpose. It's only an added bonus that they go on clearance for $4 at Kohl's. I think kids who only wear clothes from places like J Crew and Gap are getting totally ripped off by their moms. Because in my world, nothing says style like a Spiderman polo shirt coupled with a clunky pair of light-up Elmo sandals.

I don't drive an '89 Chevy Blazer because it was free, I drive the Blazer because it looks nice. Seriously, every time I see it sitting in a parking lot all rusted out I think to myself, "Amy, you're such a bad-ass, and you have one bad-ass car to prove it." I basically drive the 1980's version of 'Mater' from the movie cars--and I feel really, really good about that.

I know a lot of people like to spend a portion of their paycheck on a nice dinner out. Yo, not me. I swear to you that last Friday I deposited my check at the drive through teller and got $3 cash back. I drove right to CVS and used my cash to buy a big old bucket of those little puffy cheese balls. The bucket says "FLAVA PUFFS" in this big, bubbly, ghetto writing--and even though the flava puffs are long gone, I kept the bucket. It's my new favorite piece of tupperware.

Yeah, I'm tacky. I know it. I've got the orange flava puff dust around my mouth to prove it. I wasn't raised that way. My best guess is that it's a direct result of living in Central Maine all those years. I just can't wait for my husband to start making some money, because when he does we're gonna invest in some Flava Puff stock.
Oh. Yeah.


Amy said...

Smelly--I hope you get to read this before you leave work. That was quite the deadline request considering that we live in different timezones.

Patty said...

So let me get this straight... the banks in Texas allow you to withdraw only $3 from your deposit, there isn't this thing called a $10 minimum?

Next time you should throw them for a loop and ask for $3.75 back from you deposit.

Okay seriously, am I the only one cracking up over this part of the story?

Rob & Katy said...

I would like to re-emphasize that you (read:we) were not raised that way. You studied and mastered those habits sometime between 1998 and now. Whatever- it works for you... and in a few years, when Rob and I are still making ends meet, you and Jared will have some big ass house to show for your thrifty ways (just please buy some new furniture for it. Seriously.).

Michemily said...

Okay, so I haven't seen the Posh Spicegirl any time recently, so I looked her up. She is pretty cute. You're also right about the tacky thing. I often look at people and feel so jealous that they have manicured toenails and an endless supply of clothing from Abercrombie and hair to die for, but then I think about all the time and money they invested in those things, and I don't care anymore.

Heidi said...

I have been reading your blog for some time now, thanks to your sis posting it on our pregnancy converted to playgroup message board. While I only visit the message board every once in awhile, I visited your blog daily...I laugh out loud almost everytime! You have a great sense of humor!

Heidi :)

Grandma said...

look under the Blazer seat and you may find some change...hey why did the spilled apple juice in the Blazer episode just come back to me... the smell and all?

smelly said...

I didn't get the post before I left work. However, a Monday morning read is even better...especially about Posh spice. I went to the Jersey shore this weekend and started blabbing about the show. No one else watched it or was brave enough to admit it. I watched it and loved it! I'm glad that you and I have such classy tv habits. I think we must get the same channels too. Speaking of tacky. We pay $7 a month for "cable". This gets us the networks, plus 4 pbs stations, jewelry tv and BET. I love all equally. I don't need Real World when I have Baldwin Hills. Don't you love Dawn on Jewelry tv? Maybe we can order our gemstones together so we can split the cost of shipping?!

The Carrie Collection said...

I so wish I knew what these Flava Puffs were all about. Nunna that nectar of the gods in these parts.

Penny said...

Victoria Beckham is cute, but she appears to be such a ditz on the show. I saw her interviewed on late night TV recently and she was so down to earth - not like the razzle dazzle bimbo on the show. Of course, down to earth doesn't sell air time.... I have to say her hunky puck hitting man is right cute too. He looks better in his uniform.