Marriage Tip
August 24, 2007

Marriage sure has its ups and downs, doesn't it?

On Tuesday it might seem as though you and your spouse are sailing on seas as smooth as glass, with mermaids jumping over the bow of your boat, tossing little sparkles into the sunny skies as you and your lover lie side-by-side feeding each other grapes and giggling as you decide if that cloud looks more like a castle or a pony.

That's sweet, isn't it?

And then, by Wednesday the winds have changed. All of the sudden it's more like you and your spouse are king-crab fisherman fighting thirty foot seas in the dead-of-winter in Alaska. You're wearing those damn rubber pants again, the hot-pockets are in short supply, and you know full well that if you push your crabbing partner off the side of the boat there will be twice as much whiskey for you.

Not so sweet. But that's marriage, and I suppose that's what those pesky vows were referring to when we all agreed to love our spouses for better or for worse.

Today, my friends, I come to you with a suggestion on how to make those challenging times a little bit less severe. Really, I tried this last night, and it worked like a charm. So Dr. Phil and marriage therapists everywhere, step aside because I have found the secret to marital happiness.

You see, last night Jared and I were fighting about--I'm embarrassed to admit this--a flashlight.
Let me back up this up a bit. Jared likes to scare the shiz out of me when I walk into our room late at night--he hides behind doors, perches on the window sill like a creepy cartoon vulture, or lies in the bathtub and then pops out. I hate it, so I've started to carry a flashlight with me, and based on the fact that I lose everything I touch, I've misplaced every flashlight in the house. So last night I took the industrial flash light out of his drill box and used that.

I walked up the stairs, shined the flashlight, and there was Jared wedged between the railing and the ceiling, naked, waiting to jump out. But instead of jumping he was like, "Hey....that's MY flashlight!" And I was like, "Hey...get your naked a$$ off MY railing." And the fight went on, and on, and on. Basically we inventoried half of the items in our house, deciding which one of us they belonged to.

Finally, I had had enough. This bickering had to stop. So I jumped out of bed, mooned my husband and used my a$$ like a puppet. Yes, I made my butt cheeks flap the line, "THE LAPTOP IS NOT HALF YOURS. IT IS ALL MINE!"

Then I pulled my pants back up and turned around to find my husband's traumatized face starting right through mine. He said, in a very serious tone, "Wow, Amy. I don't even remember what we were fighting about. I guess you win." And he covered his head with a pillow, rolled over, and pretended to sleep. In his head, I'm sure he began with his typical, "Why God?! Why?" prayer. How many times have I heard him muttering that one in the middle of the night? I can't even begin to tell you.

So there ya have it. That was my marriage tip...when fighting with your spouse, instead of using your mouth, use your backside like a puppet. You'll win every time.

Guaranteed.

13 comments:

Jess said...

My husband too likes to pop out and scare me. But I have put a ban on it; and he was willing to accept the treaty after once scaring me so badly that I kicked out of instinct/reflexes/primal skillz and I nearly knocked one of his teeth out. Now he sticks to scaring the dog.

RunningCrazyAfter3 said...

This is honestly one of the funniest stories I have read in a long time!

BTW - to answer your ? on my blog - Kruex is pronounced like "crew". Don't ask :P

Melinda said...

Thanks for the morning giggles. I'll have to try that ass talking next time. My husband likes to scare me too. The bad thing is that he just has to stand there. Yup. Nothing else. Just stand there and wait for me to startle so bad I pee my pants.

J~mom said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
J~mom said...

Ok, I had to delete that because I realize that my mom might very well come over here from that link I left in my blog. She can't exactly know how I win my fights can she?

Anonymous said...

so that's what goes on while I camp out with James in his room whenever I visit? :)) xo Mom

Marcy said...

Interesting . . . . I will have to try this out. I'll let you know how it goes LOL

Vanilla said...

Nice. You used the ol' Ace Ventura move.

"Excuse me, do you mind if I a$$ you a few questions?"

Amy said...

Vanilla--you're a good man using those dollar signs instead of the real letter S. I've been feeling guilty about my overuse of the a-word. I will switch it to dollar signs from here on out.
Thanks for making me a better person.

Penny said...

Bwahhaaaaa!!!!!!...talking a$$ has me rolling on the floor!

Don't forget to sanitize the railing.

Ali said...

I love this. I'm cracking up

RunnerGirl said...

Now that is just TOOOO funny! Me, I opt to threaten to pull out a graph or pie-chart proving that, and why I am in deed right.

Mike usually gives in on that one.

I will hve to remember the butt-puppet for our next...errr...tiff.

The Carrie Collection said...

I'm not even married but I'm going to use that on anyone who so much as even looks at me funny. I will win fist fights with your highly advanced method. Watch out mean girl from 5th grade that I've always regretted not punching!