August 24, 2007
Marriage sure has its ups and downs, doesn't it?
On Tuesday it might seem as though you and your spouse are sailing on seas as smooth as glass, with mermaids jumping over the bow of your boat, tossing little sparkles into the sunny skies as you and your lover lie side-by-side feeding each other grapes and giggling as you decide if that cloud looks more like a castle or a pony.
That's sweet, isn't it?
And then, by Wednesday the winds have changed. All of the sudden it's more like you and your spouse are king-crab fisherman fighting thirty foot seas in the dead-of-winter in Alaska. You're wearing those damn rubber pants again, the hot-pockets are in short supply, and you know full well that if you push your crabbing partner off the side of the boat there will be twice as much whiskey for you.
Not so sweet. But that's marriage, and I suppose that's what those pesky vows were referring to when we all agreed to love our spouses for better or for worse.
Today, my friends, I come to you with a suggestion on how to make those challenging times a little bit less severe. Really, I tried this last night, and it worked like a charm. So Dr. Phil and marriage therapists everywhere, step aside because I have found the secret to marital happiness.
You see, last night Jared and I were fighting about--I'm embarrassed to admit this--a flashlight.
Let me back up this up a bit. Jared likes to scare the shiz out of me when I walk into our room late at night--he hides behind doors, perches on the window sill like a creepy cartoon vulture, or lies in the bathtub and then pops out. I hate it, so I've started to carry a flashlight with me, and based on the fact that I lose everything I touch, I've misplaced every flashlight in the house. So last night I took the industrial flash light out of his drill box and used that.
I walked up the stairs, shined the flashlight, and there was Jared wedged between the railing and the ceiling, naked, waiting to jump out. But instead of jumping he was like, "Hey....that's MY flashlight!" And I was like, "Hey...get your naked a$$ off MY railing." And the fight went on, and on, and on. Basically we inventoried half of the items in our house, deciding which one of us they belonged to.
Finally, I had had enough. This bickering had to stop. So I jumped out of bed, mooned my husband and used my a$$ like a puppet. Yes, I made my butt cheeks flap the line, "THE LAPTOP IS NOT HALF YOURS. IT IS ALL MINE!"
Then I pulled my pants back up and turned around to find my husband's traumatized face starting right through mine. He said, in a very serious tone, "Wow, Amy. I don't even remember what we were fighting about. I guess you win." And he covered his head with a pillow, rolled over, and pretended to sleep. In his head, I'm sure he began with his typical, "Why God?! Why?" prayer. How many times have I heard him muttering that one in the middle of the night? I can't even begin to tell you.
So there ya have it. That was my marriage tip...when fighting with your spouse, instead of using your mouth, use your backside like a puppet. You'll win every time.