Amy Lawson: Lazy Sack of Crap
September 30, 2007

Whenever I come home to visit my parents, there are two thing that inevitably happen:

1) I get hilariously constipated.
2) I turn lazier than a smoking pile of ape turd.

For the sake of my reputation, I won't focus on number one. Instead, I'll embarrass myself by letting the world know how immature and unmotivated I become the moment my foot lands on Connecticut soil.

Really, it's like I get off the airplane, spot one of my two parents waiting by the baggage claim, drop all of my belongings to the floor and say "carry me."

I've taken four days in a row off from running, I've seen sixteen-or-so kitchen remodels on HGTV, and today, when I tried to throw a piece of dental floss in the trash and missed, I didn't rectify my mistake--rather, I looked at the sad, misplaced piece of string and thought "Damn, damn, damn, I missed the trash can." Then I made my sister come and pick it up.

I don't even like to update my blog. My mom's actually making me do this. She was all, "You'd better come up with something for that blog of yours, or else you'll lose all your readers."

So here I sit, continuing to ignore my toddler.

My interactions with James really change when I'm at my parents' house. I let my sister, who has a nine-month-old baby, push James around the yard in the plastic mini-van as she coerces her own very wiggly child to take his bottle. While she does that, I like to pretend I'm taking a dump--which is an obvious lie on account of number one up there.

I let my father, who is quite hard of hearing (so sorry, Dad!), try to decipher James's long, drawn-out food requests while I nap behind the water heater in the basement.

And, of course, I let my mom do everything else. It's like this:

Mom: Amy! James pooped.
Me: Thanks for letting me know, Mom. The diapers are in the Jetta...I'll pop the trunk.

Mom: Amy! Can you shuck the corn for supper?
Amy: Just open a can mom, it's pre-shucked. Isn't it awesome what they can do these days?

Mom: Amy! James just ran out the front door and he's standing in the road.
Amy: Oh geesh, stop talking and start running!

Mom: Amy! James rubbed poop all over his socks.
Amy: Well THANK GOODNESS you're such a whiz with the laundry!

My mom is even typing this blog for me--I'm dictating to her as I sit in a luscious, neck deep bubble bath. Ok, not really. But if their tub had jets, you could bet your family heirlooms that's just what I'd be doing.

I love it here, I really do. I can hear my sister fixing James a snack, letting him know that it's almost time for bed. Don't worry, I'll help her out with bed-time. I'll just yell down the stairs and be like, "Listen to Auntie! And don't let her forget to brush your teeth!"

Long live Connecticut!


Taryn said...

Very funny, yet true. I'm currently "living" with my parents until I can move with my husband... it's amazing how easy it is to retreat into being "the kid/guest." Another home-cooked meal mom? Can I help? No? Well I'll be in my room, reading then. Help with the dishes dad? No? Well, I'll be catching up with blogs then... ;) Enjoy it while you can!!

Amy said...

I am with you! Just got back from a weekend with my parents and family and pretty sure I was an ungrateful, lazy daughter. I realized as I put the kids to bed tonight that I wasn't sure I even brought the right ones home (oh wait - that's what they look like when they are well cared for).

Enjoy yourself!

MillerFam said...

Ok, honestly, you might be the funniest person I know. That about explains my deep burning desire to visit my parents as often as possible with the 2 kids in tow. Heck, I even flew my mom out here to drive back to TX from CO with me and the kids so she would be their entertainment for 12 hours. Worked like a charm. And then upon arrival I let the games begin. I have not tried napping behind the water heater. I will have to investigate the options at Christmas time! Enjoy the rest of your visit.

Ashton and Shanda Call Family said...

Seriously Hillarious! That is WAY to true! That is how I always feel, and do, and never dare admit to. Thanks for sharing and being so real! Aren't mom's the greatest to put up with our "shrink back to being the child Syndrome" as I like to call it.

krystyn said...

Love it! When I lived far from my parents, visiting them was great - I slept great, ate well and totally relaxed. It's not the same since they live so close doesn't feel like a vacation going to their house anymore...I think I may have to move.

jahowie said...

The way you describe things cracks me up!! Hilariously constipated? Lazy as an ape turd?!?! Too funny.

Penny said...

And then it's kinda tough returning to the real world after all that pampering! :-) You DO have a very lovely family (you ARE blessed!). :-)

Melinda said...

I hope you weren't like this growing up, young lady! ;)

Jess said...

See, I'm so uncomfortable staying with my parents that I can't relax. All I'm thinking about is when we're leaving.

Amber said...

Can I be your best friend? I just found this blog through a link on my other friend's blog (a real friend) and I can't stop laughing. Seriously - keep it up and I will just pretend I am actually your friend and I am not reading random blogs of people I don't know.

Caden & Carter's Mom said...

Your mom is such a lovely person that there probably is very little embellishment to that part of the story... she probably did do all those things!! Hope you had a great trip... you certainly picked a beautiful weekend to visit!

Ali said...

It sounds like heavan. I go insane at my parents. A 2 hour visit is about my limit

Busy Little Bee said...

Amy, are you making your way up to Maine at all?? I'm too broke and lazy to head to CT for a visit. But a visit in Bangor-ish is very doable! :)

You'll be moving up here soon enough anyway, so I 'spose a visit can wait until then. :P

The Carrie Collection said...

Way to relax on vaca. Not many people can do it so it's an accomplishment you've reached at such a young age. I'm very proud of you. So I'll be in Wichita Falls for 9 months after I get out of concentration camp and I swear if you haven't moved by then I'm going to go to Dallas for a day of Amy Lawson fun. Carwashes, running, blogging and snacking in front of the TV.

Mother Smuckers said...


daniel.lawson said...

Dan: Hey Amy! I'll admit it, I've become another one of your loyal readers. Alicia's joined the cult too and we both get a kick out of the blogs. Hope your trip up here went well, I'm sorry I didn't get to see you with the LSAT and all.

Alicia: Thanks Amy for the laugh. Although I'm hesitant to admit, I can relate to many situations you've written about in your blog...maybe even a little too well at times. By the way, I have a solution for #1. I hear that psyllium husk works well.(I wouldn't know from experience)You can buy it at natural food stores and co ops.

Amy said...

Dan: Hi! I almost choked when I saw your name. I thought you were way to cool for this junk. Guess not! Hope your LSATs went well. If not, we could always use faux patients to sit in Jared's waiting room. Not exactly a career move, but you never know where it will take you.

Alicia: What's up? Oh man, you're going to have such preconceived notions when we finally meet! Glad you're reading and I CAN'T WAIT to meet you and Juliette!

Grandma said...

I would have commented but I've been too busy watching James! :))))) where's Amy?...has anyone seen Amy?... oh check behind the water heater...that's right!

Sue said...