September 8, 2007
I've been feeling very important this week. In the last few days I've gotten three, THREE emails asking for my advice. They were all over the map ranging from religion to running to blogging, but each of those emails made me feel oh-so-very-special.
The three advice seekers were promptly written into my will. Upon my passing, one will receive my winged pig doorstop, one will receive my '89 Blazer, and one will receive my infamous cup collection (which is actually worth far more than the Blazer).
One of these emails came from Julie, a friendly reader in Washington DC. Julie's roommate is training for a marathon and seems to be very tired and sore. According to Julie, the only things her roommate has the time to do these days is work, run and sleep. Julie, being the very caring roommate that she is, emailed me looking for tips to ease her roommate's life.
"Hmmmmm" I thought. "Tips to make marathon training easier. I can do this." And this is what I came up with:
Before I was married, my roommate wore my underwear without asking and then put them back in my drawer without a washing. You are quite obviously the kindest and most compassionate roommate I have ever encountered. You friend is lucky to have you, and I'm deeply touched by your concern.
I do have a simple strategy to make your friend's life more comfortable. As her best friend, you should convince her to stop running. Running is hard, and to be quite honest with you, I'm not sure why people do it. I have personally been running for fourteen long years. Out of the 5,000 or so training runs I have completed, I've enjoyed two. One was when my friend pooped in her pants, and the other was when I hid behind a trash can at 7-11 and ate a twinkie in one single bite. Both were proud, proud moments.
Be honest with your friend, and let her know that running is for wildebeests, not for people.
In order to convince your friend to quit her ridiculous hobby, she will need a new activity to take its place. Anything will do, but I'd like to suggest drinking, clubbing, TV watching, needlepoint, drinking, backyard dog breeding, troll collecting, or puffy painting. Oh, drinking would do the trick, too.
I wish your friend the very best of luck and sincerely hope she takes your suggestion to heart.