Training Advice
September 8, 2007

I've been feeling very important this week. In the last few days I've gotten three, THREE emails asking for my advice. They were all over the map ranging from religion to running to blogging, but each of those emails made me feel oh-so-very-special.

The three advice seekers were promptly written into my will. Upon my passing, one will receive my winged pig doorstop, one will receive my '89 Blazer, and one will receive my infamous cup collection (which is actually worth far more than the Blazer).

One of these emails came from Julie, a friendly reader in Washington DC. Julie's roommate is training for a marathon and seems to be very tired and sore. According to Julie, the only things her roommate has the time to do these days is work, run and sleep. Julie, being the very caring roommate that she is, emailed me looking for tips to ease her roommate's life.

"Hmmmmm" I thought. "Tips to make marathon training easier. I can do this." And this is what I came up with:

Dear Julie,

Before I was married, my roommate wore my underwear without asking and then put them back in my drawer without a washing. You are quite obviously the kindest and most compassionate roommate I have ever encountered. You friend is lucky to have you, and I'm deeply touched by your concern.

I do have a simple strategy to make your friend's life more comfortable. As her best friend, you should convince her to stop running. Running is hard, and to be quite honest with you, I'm not sure why people do it. I have personally been running for fourteen long years. Out of the 5,000 or so training runs I have completed, I've enjoyed two. One was when my friend pooped in her pants, and the other was when I hid behind a trash can at 7-11 and ate a twinkie in one single bite. Both were proud, proud moments.

Be honest with your friend, and let her know that running is for wildebeests, not for people.

In order to convince your friend to quit her ridiculous hobby, she will need a new activity to take its place. Anything will do, but I'd like to suggest drinking, clubbing, TV watching, needlepoint, drinking, backyard dog breeding, troll collecting, or puffy painting. Oh, drinking would do the trick, too.

I wish your friend the very best of luck and sincerely hope she takes your suggestion to heart.

Much Loving,

Amy Lawson

19 comments:

Rob & Katy said...

yo.

krystyn said...

Good advice -LOL.

Thanks for the magnet - it arrived today.

Brad and Becks said...

hilarious....laughing out loud. again.

Vanilla said...

*stands and applauds*

Excellent Post! I'm loving this! You could be the anti-Dear Abby.

Melinda said...

Lucky for me, I didn't ask your advice on running. ;) Can I have the Blazer?

MillerFam said...

Forget about writing that book, you should enter a twinkie eating contest! LOL One bite, was this during the race or afterwards? Don't they hand out orange slices or something . . . . energy bars . . . bagels?

Amy said...

And yet . . . you still run? Why?

Amy said...

Melinda--yes, I was planning on giving you the Blazer. In a few years, it should look great on blocks.

Millerfam--no I bought this twinkie with my own money at the store. I was training for a marathon and I was hungry.

Amy--I run because it's the only legitimate excuse I can find to eat twinkies in a single bite. I love to eat all food, and I'm afraid that if I stop running I might get big enough to be a guest on the Montel show.

Jess said...

Yes, running is for wildebeasts! Excellent advice.

Amy said...

Beautiful advice! Each day I tune you in to get some great advice - you never fail to amaze!

J~mom said...

Yes, and really the truth is that only us wildebeasts get each other. No non wildebeast is ever going to get it.

CollegeGirl said...

I seriously hope the roomie/underwear situation is a joke. Ew. Haha

Iggy Bloggit said...

you should take up surfing, that is where the real pooping happens.

Michemily said...

Puffy painting. Ha!

Melinda said...

Yesssssssss! A lawn ornament! (Blazer on blocks)

Grandma said...

Wait a minute... The Blazer? Xibit needs to meet it....then maybe...oh the possibilities:)

jahowie said...

LOL---this is great!!

nomadic gnome said...

Sweet! I can have a friend again! I didn't realize it was such an easy fix. Thanks, Amy!

The Carrie Collection said...

She'd really wear it and then put it back? Did she wash it first or did she just imagine that you wouldn't notice someone else had worn your underwear? I want to know who this girl is so I can publically humiliate her and donate all of her underwear to the V.A. I also want to know if she's now married and who's underwear she is now stealing...or borrowing (technically).