October 18, 2007
This morning, in preparation for my daily walk with Beth, I was routing around for something to wear. Our walks are certainly no red carpet affair--we generally walk with some alarming cases of bedhead, shirts featuring slogans like "Ovary Action," and three-year-old maternity shorts from K-Mart. Needless to say, I wasn't worried about style, but more about cleanliness.
In this household, clean laundry tends to be in short supply, because let's face it, that's the way God made me. But lately, clean laundry has evolved from a "recurring issue" to a "crisis of historically astronomical proportions."
In other words, everything is dirty.
So off I went, straight to the hamper, and began the process of selecting the most socially acceptable dirty shirt. We all know how this goes: fish out shirt, press nose into armpit, sniff, and decide--it's so remarkably simple.
After five or six t-shirts, I finally found a winner, and lucky for me, it was the yellow, polyester-blend Loop-for-Lupus-Charity-Walk shirt from 1991. I'm not sure why, but I always feel so pretty in that old thing--paint splotches and all. So, in my rare moment of hotness, I sort of strutted up to my husband, wrapped my arms around his waist, and gave him a long, slow kiss.
Well, it was supposed to be a long, slow kiss. But about half a second into it, Jared put one hand on each of my cheeks, and forcefully pushed my head away from his own. I opened my eyes to find his face all squished into itself and his tongue hanging out in an OH MY GOSH. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME EAT EAR WAX?! kind of way.
"AMY!" he demanded.
"What?" I asked, using both hands to point to my super sexy shirt. "I was just trying to come on to you!"
"Holy crap, Ames! Your nose...it smells so bad!"
"Oh, damn....your nose...it smells like, I don't know, garbage? And bus exhaust! And homeless people! Dude, why does your nose smell like that? You know, like pollution."
"Sorry Jared, I've been sniffing dirty shirts again."
I didn't want my husband to become permanently repulsed, so I immediately ran into the bathroom, scrubbed my nose with watermelon scented soap, and attempted the kiss again.
This time he was like, "Uhhhh! You smell like a bathroom...after someone took a dump...and then sprayed a mess load of air freshener! Oh....gosh Amy!"
I think I'll do some laundry today.