Bus Exhaust and Homeless People
October 18, 2007

This morning, in preparation for my daily walk with Beth, I was routing around for something to wear. Our walks are certainly no red carpet affair--we generally walk with some alarming cases of bedhead, shirts featuring slogans like "Ovary Action," and three-year-old maternity shorts from K-Mart. Needless to say, I wasn't worried about style, but more about cleanliness.

In this household, clean laundry tends to be in short supply, because let's face it, that's the way God made me. But lately, clean laundry has evolved from a "recurring issue" to a "crisis of historically astronomical proportions."

In other words, everything is dirty.

So off I went, straight to the hamper, and began the process of selecting the most socially acceptable dirty shirt. We all know how this goes: fish out shirt, press nose into armpit, sniff, and decide--it's so remarkably simple.

After five or six t-shirts, I finally found a winner, and lucky for me, it was the yellow, polyester-blend Loop-for-Lupus-Charity-Walk shirt from 1991. I'm not sure why, but I always feel so pretty in that old thing--paint splotches and all. So, in my rare moment of hotness, I sort of strutted up to my husband, wrapped my arms around his waist, and gave him a long, slow kiss.

Well, it was supposed to be a long, slow kiss. But about half a second into it, Jared put one hand on each of my cheeks, and forcefully pushed my head away from his own. I opened my eyes to find his face all squished into itself and his tongue hanging out in an OH MY GOSH. WHY WOULD YOU MAKE ME EAT EAR WAX?! kind of way.

"AMY!" he demanded.

"What?" I asked, using both hands to point to my super sexy shirt. "I was just trying to come on to you!"

"Holy crap, Ames! Your nose...it smells so bad!"

"What?!"

"Oh, damn....your nose...it smells like, I don't know, garbage? And bus exhaust! And homeless people! Dude, why does your nose smell like that? You know, like pollution."

"Sorry Jared, I've been sniffing dirty shirts again."

I didn't want my husband to become permanently repulsed, so I immediately ran into the bathroom, scrubbed my nose with watermelon scented soap, and attempted the kiss again.

This time he was like, "Uhhhh! You smell like a bathroom...after someone took a dump...and then sprayed a mess load of air freshener! Oh....gosh Amy!"

I think I'll do some laundry today.

22 comments:

Mother Smuckers said...

Well... Um... Er...

Okay.

Thanks for that.

I guess.


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nomadic gnome said...

Awwww.

You must really sniff with some gusto if your hubby can smell the scent after the fact! That's so funny.
Whatever happened to boys always wanting some hot lovin?

RunningCrazyAfter3 said...

ROFLMAO! That is one lucky man!

Jess said...

So the pit-particles rubbed off on your nose? I've never heard of such a phenomenon.

P.O.M. said...

I might have a solution to your laundry woes... compete in MORE races and walks! If you did 2 per week, you can dramatically increase your shirt supply, thus limiting your time doing laundry. Nice theory, huh?

Grandma said...

please Amy..why do you want to tell this? You need a plug-in air freshener.....for your nose.

Anonymous said...

wow.

J~mom said...

LOL!!!

Penny said...

Ewwwwww. Gross. Seriously funny tho.

Yea, I would say it's laundry day.

Or else make your man wears the dirty stuff too, then he'll never smell you 'cause he'll stink too. You might be able to put off laundry for another couple of weeks if you do that!

Redneck Mommy said...

We must have been separated at birth. My husband has been known to tell me my nose smells from sniffing laundry as well.

Not to mention, when the kids leave the house, he asks them just how many times they've worn their clothes and to sniff them to ensure they don't stink.

I'm aiming for the mother of the year award.

Marcy said...

Ooooooo Ooooooo Dang!! He could've have at least TRIED to act like you smelled good. Men, they're so insensitive.

rebecca said...

Thank you. You make me laugh so hard that I feel the sore muscles from yoga class yesterday. (That is a good thing.)

Rob & Katy said...

I think that old Loop for Lupus shirt was mine- I didn't even do the walk- my friends and I ate french fries at Friendly's then strolled to the finish line. I'm pretty sure it was a 5K.

Boston Beans said...

Amy...FEBREEZE, FEBREEZE, FEBREEZE!!!

The One and Only Tigger said...

That is great. Except they are not homeless, they are residentially channenged individuals. I came across your blog from Java-mom, runningcrazyafter3, marcy, etc. I love the picture of your dog. I had 9 of them at one time. Well 2 had a litter of seven.

Mother Smuckers said...

Shower yet Stinky?


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jahowie said...

I don't even know what to say. LOL!!! You really crack me up.

Anonymous said...

boy, you Lawson's sure swear a lot for Mormons...

Amy said...

Yes, anonymous, I suppose we do.

Take it or leave it, your choice, no biggie!

Oh, and I just wanted to let ya know that there's no apostrophe in Lawsons, you know, since we're pointing that stuff out :o)

Anonymous said...

that's what's help's make's her blog's interesting read's:)))but with or w/o sh'e damn funny!!!anony 2

katieo said...

Ah. I've had many a hunt for the least repulsive shirt. (Mmm, I choose the BACK of the class today, thankyouverymuch) although as I admit this, I think it slightly MORE offensive that I wear such shirts around paying gym members. yikes.

Busy Little Bee said...

Anyone who is honest would admit to having done this at least *once* in their life. The great thing about Amy is that she's brutally honest and real, which is unlike a lot of people we read on blogs or meet in real life.

Amy, I'm a fellow laundry sniffer! And proud of it! :)