Marathon Training: Incident #4 (with fabulous illustrations!)
October 9, 2007

First, I'd like to apologize to all of the non-runner-readers out there who have had to deal with the recent surge in running-related posts. I know it must be snoring-boring for you to read about this junk, so I've tried to spice up today's post with some original illustrations.

I hope you enjoy!

Last weekend I went for a twelve-mile run with one of my very favorite running partners. Due to the graphic nature of this story, I feel a pressing need to protect her identity--so for the purposes of this post, we will call her, oh, I don't know, Victoria Beckham (only because I find the real Victoria Beckham strangely alluring, and I like to use her name as much as I possibly can).

Victoria Beckham had a few kids fairly close together, and as a result, she suffers with some serious weakness in the nether-regions. In other words, she has a hard time holding it. Having been her running partner for a few months I'm very familiar with this special need of hers, and consequently I go out of my way to plan routes with a multitude of convenient pit-stops.

Based upon my casual observation, Victoria prefers to make her pit-stops at 7-11 stores. I will never understand why. 7-11s generally smell like sha-dang-dong, the clerks tend to be completely creeptastic, and they sell hamburgers in the shape of hot dogs. The hamburger thing really gets me the wrong way, and for that reason alone you will NEVER catch me taking a wizz at 7-11.

Anywho, there is one 7-11 that we tend to stop at most often--you know, the one where I almost hit the overly aggressive pan-handler with my car a few months ago. As we were approaching the store, Victoria looked me bang in the eye and said, "I've got to go!" She took off running so fast that I didn't even have the time to confirm if it was number one or number two--must've been a true emergency.

Victoria bounded through the front door, and this is what happened:

As you can tell by my illustration, I don't think the pooper was really busted. I think the cashier with the mullet was just tired of helping my friend, so she sent her to the gas station one block down the street.

Victoria hobbled the entire block, and almost broke into tears when she realized that the gas station was closed. No bathroom for her. In a moment of desperation, she looked me in the eye and said, "I'm going behind the dumpster." And off she went.

For some reason, I had a bad feeling about this plan, so I followed my friend to the dumpster and stood about twenty feet away. She scooted behind, and just as she was about to drop her shorts I spotted a pair of black boots, attached to a man, lying on an old mattress.

"Oh damn" I thought. "She's about to take a dump right next to that sketchy dude."

I was like, "Victoria. Victoria! VICTORIA! Pants up! Let's go! I'll explain later!"

This was the scene I saved her from:

Crazy, huh?

As we ran away, I was all, "NEVER pull your pants down behind a dumpster in East Dallas! That's just not safe!"

She was like, "Oh, ok. You're right. But can I go pull them down behind that post office over there?"

29 comments:

Iggy Bloggit said...

if the homeless fellow can afford such luxurious boots, how do we know he is really homeless? maybe he's a fraud.

Vanilla said...

The homeless fellow has a creepy smile on his face. I don't trust his intentions.

Also, he's "passed out" but there are no empty bottles around him? I'm with iggy, that's suspect!

RunningCrazyAfter3 said...

So the dude with the mullett at the 7-11 was really a chick?

krystyn said...

Oh my - LMAO...that was a hilarious post - loved the pictures. I could just see her running down the street to the other gas station.

Hilary said...

I agree with Iggy and Vanilla. I think that maybe the 7-11 guy and the dumpster guy are really one and the same. There are empty slurpee cups in the trash...

MommyJ said...

hollywood flakes sent me over... first of all, I am totally jealous that you can run 12 miles. I'm only up to 6. Second of all, your story had me laughing out loud.

Lauri said...

Oh Victoria! I so feel your pain and complete desperation!

Just one more reason I gave up running!

Patty said...

LOVE the sketches. Such attention to detail you gave when you drew the rat in the second sketch. Love the "not that there's anything wrong with that" line. Brings back Seinfeld memories from his show about gays (not that there's anything wrong with that).

Grandma said...

you make me crazy.... I'll say it again...just get back here in one piece!

Karrie said...

I especially liked the 7-11 guy's mullett!

Taryn said...

All I can say is only runners.... only runners.

Ali said...

I would like a framed signed copy of the artwork in this posting, oh and Vicky B's autograph too!

Jes said...

Oh I LOVE the illustrations! You should illustrate more of your posts.

Posh Spice said...

Man that was just crazy!!!

Same time next week?

Tall Girl Running said...

This reminds me of the time my... ummm... "friend" didn't use the port-a-potty after a race, even after drinking copious amounts of fluids before and during said race and while catching a ride home with another friend after the race had to pee so badly she almost wet his passenger seat while trying to maintain polite conversation. Then, upon mercifully being dropped off where her car was parked, this... ummmm "friend" couldn't take it any longer and found a barely-hidden spot behind a bush in the parking lot and supplied said bush with enough water to last the entire growing season.

The moral of the story: When "friend's" gotta go, "friends" gotta go!

(Terrific blog, by the way.)

Mother Smuckers said...

I feel bad for the homeless guy.(Not that there's anything wrong with that.)

He's probably feeling violated, scared and hurt after that whole ordeal and he can't afford the counseling I'm sure he'll need now.


...

jahowie said...

You are too funny!! That poor homeless guy. Your friend was taking a dump in his side yard!!

Rick said...

Funny - my wife and daughters deal with the same issue - I have the location of every available bathroom within a 200 mile radius of our home memorized.

The poor homeless guy probably thought, "What did I do to deserve this?"

Got to your blog from Dawn's "Because I Said So."

Enjoyed the story - thanks.

http://granolasdodallas.blogspot.com

P.S. The Mrs. is from Dallas too. Must be something in the water

P.O.M. said...

Please please please - more illustrations. Great running story.

Penny said...

OMG, funny, funny story.

HLH said...

I'm laughing so hard I'm shaking in my cube at work. Dang you and your hilarious drawings.

Amy said...

I think the illustrations really made this post.

Amanda said...

HAHAHAA... I don't do 7-11's they creep me out! Poor bladder.

RunnerGirl said...

Now that is precious.

I like the illistrutions Amy! You are quite talented!

Pat said...

As a former employee of the Southland Corporation (7-11) we do not condone the use of our facilities without a purchase. In other words, if it's not slurpy or a hamburger dog you're dropping, you need to use the alley. We also, don't condone the use of our allies for sleeping. That is why we send all sleepers and runners down to the next gas station.

by the way, I like your posts about running.

Let_It_Go said...

you are friggin hilarious!!

Kristen said...

I got your address from Hollywood Flakes & I just have to say I love that post! Oh, it brings back so many memories...so many memories. Thanks for the laugh!

Catherine M. said...

This is the funiest blog in the world!

That was no homeless man. It was me with my new haircut trying to get a break from Mommy duties.

Knowing Victoria, I like her better now that I've pictured her hobbling with a weak dam.

Sarah said...

As a running mother of three born whithin 19 months, I share Victoria's issues...plus a few extra that my running partners are also exquisitely familiar with.

All I can say is, Vanilla, watch your step out there in the Boulder Hinterland. When I took up running I lost the last of my shame.

Very funny--Love the illustrations!