Potted Plants and Snowbanks
November 6, 2007

My husband has a bladder the size of a thumbtack. I would describe it was the size of a walnut, except that would be cliche...and terribly inaccurate. He would gladly trade up for a walnut-sized pee sack. I know he would.

Unless you or your spouse suffer from a mini-little-bladder, it's hard to understand how much this issue can affect your quality of life. On several occasions, I've watched Jared stop to pee on a rock/tree/dirt pile on his way to the toilet. Even if the bathroom's in plain sight, the man can't hold it for another nano-second--he MUST PEE ON THE HYDRANGEA PLANT NOW. Or behind the port-o-potty, because the simple illusion of a line can make this man let loose and wet his pants.

Poor Jared.

The first year we were married, we lived in a nasty old apartment near Bangor Maine. We had no washer/dryer hookups in our unit, and the laundry room could only be reached by walking outside, down the fire escape, and through a hatchway door to the basement.

One Saturday, in the middle of the winter, I ran outside to switch our laundry to the dryer. When I reached the hatchway door, I was completely repulsed because SOMEONE had been PEEING in the snowbank! Sure we lived in the nastiest apartment building in the heart of a college town, but somehow, I managed to believe that frat boys had at least a portion of a shred of dignity.

I switched the laundry, walked out of the hatchway, and disgustedly studied the pee patterns. That's when I noticed something interesting--the pee patterns were not simple dots or stripes, they were letters:

J L

My husband had peed his initials into the snowbank. How very classy.

There's a good reason that this five-year-old story is on my mind today. You see, Jared has the fourth part of his board exams this weekend. If he passes this round, he earns himself the right to diagnose strange conditions, adjust people's bones, operate an x-ray machine with no supervision, and GET PAID TO DO IT!

If he passes this section, my husband will be Dr. Lawson.

This morning, as Jared was reading through his instruction packet for the exam, he let out a long, dramatic, worried sounding sigh. Assuming he was overwhelmed at the prospect of a three-day test, I put my hand on his shoulder and said, "Nervous?"

"Amy," he replied. "There's going to be a two and a half hour section with no pee breaks allowed. What am I gonna do?!"

As he walked toward the door, I could hear Jared using some positive self-talk. He was like, "Ok, I can do this. No water, no coke, no juice. I could pee in a Gatorade bottle, a potted plant, not a water fountain..."

Trust me people, you want this man to be your chiropractor.

19 comments:

R.JohnsonEsq said...

tell him to wear depends, they worked great when i took the Bar exam

allison said...

he pee'd his initial into the snow?! this is hilarious! :)

Penny said...

Good luck Jared! Very exciting times. Take a nice long pee and no liquids beforehand! You can do it, dude!!! Although dehydration can make you lethargic, so don't overdo it. :-)

Hilary said...

I can see the small plaque on the wall now:

"Urine good hands with Dr. Lawson"

Catherine M. said...

Hilary is Hilarious

The Roberts' Report said...

Ok so I was going to suggest DEPENDS too! That's funny. Larry said that a lot of people did it for the BAR too. Emma's got a ton of Princess Pull UPs if he'd like to use one.

chattypatra said...

Isn't there a pill for this very problem? I'm sure Jared can score one from one of his peers.

Go, Jared! Remember, your family DEPENDS on you. Hee.

Ali said...

You have to use Hilary's sign suggestion, that is brillant.

I love that he won't pee in the water fountain, that is very thoughtful.

Vanilla said...

I agree with the depends suggestion. If they're good enough for astronauts then they're good enough for chiropractors.

J~mom said...

I think that Depends thing sounds promising.

Karrie said...

I too have a small "pee sac" so I have total empathy for Jared,its the worst. I also have empathy for YOU because I busted my husband peeing in the front yard once!

CollegeGirl said...

I TOTALLY understand! I have a bladder the size of a peanut, as does my mother. Boy does it drive my dad INSANE!

Yet that doesn't stop my mom from buying a humungo soda RIGHT before we head out on a road trip.

P.S. I love hilary's quote! Haha

Grandma said...

too bad it's not a swimming test. noone would know. If the lawyers wore Depends for the bar, go for it... we won't tell:)

Brandon Harshe said...

Typical Jared! :D Good luck on Part 4. Glad I'm not doing that crap anymore!

Travis and Chandra said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

Two words that will change Jared's life: "Stadium Pal". But you'd better have them over-night it. Stadium Pal "When you gotta go, but you wanna stay." I'd use the depends along with the stadium pal. Not that I know, but this friend of mine improved his law school grades dramatically . . .

http://www.stadiumpal.com/

Amy said...

Ya know...they have "condom catheters"! It is actually a condom with a little hose on the end of the tip that leads to a bag. In addition...they have "leg bags" that tie around one's thigh, to keep the act discreet.

I actually had to put one on an old-man-patient of mine once...as a student. "Watch the hairs, girl!!" will forever be etched in my memory banks.

Amy said...

Um, okay.

So "stadium pal" wasn't exactly the technical term back then...but same idea!

Michemily said...

That would get expensive in Germany, where you have to pay to use public toilets. I guess he just go in the gutter or something . . .