Stressed Much?

December 13, 2007

Jared is a man who manifests his stress in a variety of strange and mysterious ways. His most common stress side-effect is a significant loss of appetite which leads to sudden, dramatic weight loss. His pants fall off, his stomach caves in, and his wife becomes insanely jealous. It's terrible.
Jared will stand on the scale and say something like, "Oh Amy, this is horrible! I'm into the 130's today!"

And I'm all, "Yes Jared, this is terrible...because I'm leaving you for a man who regularly outweighs me. Eat this snickerdoodle NOW, or I'm out of here you skinny little weasel!"

Me, on the other hand--I tend to deal with stress in ways that are much easier on our marriage. I do things like--I don't know--dress my dog up like a nun? She also looks great in hand knit scarves and last season's t-shirts from The Gap. Yes, I understand that this stress relief method is unconventional, but it's 100% safe on the marriage. Jared has never threatened to leave me because our dog is dressed up like a cat. So really, who's the better spouse?

Last night, I forced Jared to eat a nice, big dinner. Since he wasn't able to curb his stress by starving himself, my husband was forced to develop a new approach mental wellness. We were sitting on the couch, watching David Letterman, when he grabbed my cheeks with both hands, turned my face towards his, and sloppily licked my forehead.

I was like, "Uhck! What in the hellers are you doing, Jared! Why'd you lick my forehead, you sicko?"

Before he could piece together any sort of reasonable explanation, he picked up our LL Bean throw blanket, and began to violently wipe his tongue with it. In between wipes, he was all, "Oh.....your forehead.....it tastes......SO BAD!.......uck Amy.......that's so nasty...."

It shouldn't come as any surprise that I started to feel a bit offended. After all, I hadn't asked this man to taste my head! "Well," I replied in my very defensive tone. "Exactly what did you hope that my forehead would taste like?"

"I don't know," he exclaimed between blanket wipes, "lemon-lime maybe?"

My husband turns into a skinny-legged-head-kisser when he's dealing with stress. I like to dress Gracie up in a dish-towel cape. So here's my question of the day: What do you do to cope with the pressures of life? (warning: If you say things like 'exercise' or 'meditate,' I might think you're boring.)

43 comments:

Bri said...

Just so you know you're not alone, my hubby is also skinny. He's never topped 130 and he's not short either. For stress, I don't exercise, I eat of course! A few months back I was so stressed that I didn't have a lunch at work so I went down to the cafeteria where I spotted a freezer full of ben and jerry's - I rationalized that surely salad PLUS B&J was a most excellent lunch for a stressed out girl. I collected a salad and skipped the roll (you know, to be "good") and went for the freezer, which was LOCKED. God had spoken, and I was not supposed to be eating B&J for lunch :(

Hilary said...

I guess I read funny blogs. The laugh that yours gave me this morning took a big chunk out of the stress that I was feeling up until then. Thanks for that. :)

Forehead licking.. I'm sure you could channel that

The One and Only Tigger said...

I beat up my wife, oh wait that is the late Ike Turner that did that. I have never laid a hand on my wife since we met. I bite off ears of other people, oh wait that is Mike Tyson that evil excuse for a man. I run, not that creates more stress in my life, because I can not go for a run under one hour long. I sit in front of the TV eating Ice Cream and watch CSI or Biggest Looser while I have the kids do the dishes from dinner and take out the trash.

Dan Lawson said...

I think the stress-induced skinniness runs in the family. I'm barely keeping the it over 130 and I'm a good inch taller than Jared. I don't think I'm making anyone jealous, though. Choosing starvation over healthier coping mechanisms has left me with pecs with the robustness of Heidi's kids'.

Jess B said...

Well, kicking his crap that he's left lay all over the floor and throwing stuff always helps me. Can't forgo a screaming fit, either. Of course because of this my 5 year old knows explatives that would make a sailor blush. Not that it happens that often, but his little ears pick up the softest of whispers when a "bad" word is said, but can't hear a thing when I ask him to do something.......hmm, I think it's a boy gene.

Anonymous said...

i listen to music or read something

Flibberty said...

I watch the Food Network and rearrange things like cupboards and refrigerator. Boring, but helpful. I've also been known to eat the entire contents of my fridge, but whatever.

alanaransley said...

To relieve stress, usually caused by teaching fifth grade, I generally drive as fast as possible (while not endangering any lives). I do this while listening to loud music and singing. I prefer to do this while there is no one else in the car, because my six-year-old tends to critique my singing.

jjstringham said...

Who put that last comment on there? That's lame. And they obviously knew it by going by "anonymous." Personally I choose to let my children eat directly out of the peanut butter & jelly jars on the kitchen counter. That makes a nice PB&J mess all over the counters, floor, and chairs, and usually leaves tiny pieces of jelly in random spots around the house. Did I mention that my husband is OCD and that he is usually the cause of all my stress? Hmm. Maybe this comment would have been better left on a post of "what do you do to tick off your spouse?" Oh well.

Jess said...

I drink.

Now, don't start sending me pamphlets for AA -- I already know it's not a wise or healthy way to deal with stress, especially because I lack the "off" switch once I get going. But dangit, nothing will make a stressful situation seem insignificant like a few beers.

And you're the only Mormon I would admit that too. Do you feel special?

jjstringham said...

Okay, by "last comment" I meant the "anonymous" person. You guys type fast. And I needed a potty break. Leave me alone.

Margo said...

I drink...oh wait, I do that every day...hmmm...I drink more!! When I get so stressed out and then think of all the things I'm not good at and stop exercising, then I decide that it's a good idea to go thru every fast food drive-thru window in a 5 block radius of my house. You can imagine the fast food stench in my car after that trip! ;)

Vanilla said...

What is this stress that you all speak of?

Bahston Beans said...

M&Ms. They are proven to make you feel mentally and physically better. That applies to all types (regular, dark, peanut, etc.) and forms (regular, minis, on a sundae, etc.)

Rob & Katy said...

mom, don't read this, because you'll just feel guilty and get more stressed...

i am practicing stress relief right now. tyler is whining and crying, and rocky is repeatedly needing to pee. every time i take him outside, he wants to go for a walk. meanwhile, tyler is banging the storm door glass crying because rocky and i are outside and he's not.

i'm handling my stress by extended snacking.

i expect to gain 5-10 pounds this weekend- back to back snowstorms are coming, which should be challenging when my only company is a one yaer old whiner and a 15.5 year old pooch with kidney challenges... :)

ah, the fallout of amy's stresses impact our whole extended family like dominos falling. dominos- i think i'll order pizza for lunch. delivery comes in the snow, right?

Charlotte said...

I've been known to eat entire boxes of ice cream, using Oreo's to scoop instead of a spoon.

Anonymous said...

Yum, lemon lime:)

Jill said...

I used to put make up on the dog.
Now, I just imagine horrible pains in my teeth so I can leave my kids home and spend an hour at the dentist's office.
I guess I could try licking my own forehead.

The Roberts' Report said...

Eat, eat and eat. Actually, I made some christmas treats and I've snacked on half of them!! Oops!! Sorry neighbors.

katieo said...

I lock myself in the bathroom and make funny faces at myself in the mirror.

Grandma said...

Did you say stress? me? I've already apologized to Katy for leaving her with a baby and a geriatric dog in a fleece coat! I think I need a Mike's- the lemon tea didn't help!

Amy said...

Wow! These are all great stess busting ideas. I think I will try all of them at the same time.

AJ said...

drink wine and eat chocolate!

January said...

Eat, eat, eat! Or go see a movie, but that doesn't happen often w/3 kids. So, I eat! LOL

akshaye said...

I do the whole ostrich thing and stick my head in the sand.. I start with the assumption that whatever is stressing me out is so huge that I aint going to get it done no matter what. So take a nap, open a beer.. do whatever.. hey if you gotta screw up might as well do it properly!

hallwaygirl said...

Amy, I can totally relate...my husband (and your former neighbor) is a health nut and my idea of exercise is using the remote. But MY stress is much better now that I realize that one of my favorite people is moving back to the East Coast!! Your dad told me about your blog but I've been too busy until today....but tonight I'm trapped at work while the big snow storm rages outside. My co-workers at Hartford Hospital have called back in here from the road to tell me that after 3 hours they are still on 84 trying to get home. I'm staying put for a while longer. Congratulations on the marathon!! That's such an accomplisment. Can't wait to see you in person. Guess who.

Marcy said...

I'm with Jess! I drink . . .I drink a lot :P Only after the kids go to bed though LOL

Jes said...

I like to watch ridiculous shows on tv (while snacking on popcorn of course) that are drama-filled and make my life seem so much more simple.

Busy Little Bee said...

When I get stressed out, like I've been feeling for a few weeks now, I tend to go on screech - not sleep, drink coffee which then bothers my stomach, drink a few nightcaps before bed, and crash on the weekend because I'm so tired. Oh, wait, those are the symptoms of my stress. I then correct these symptoms by eating lots of chocolate pudding, or ice cream, or anything else carb-rich because my body won't be satisfied with anything else.

Who knows, maybe those boring people who do yoga and drink green tea have something going on. I might try that after I stomp around the house some more.

Cheryl said...

CHOCOLATE! LOTS and LOTS of chocolate! That, and hiding my head under the covers and sleeping to avoid life and its stresses.

Grandma said...

Hi Hallway Girl!!! I know who you are!!:))xoxoxo Are you going to try to go home? good luck and take care!!!

chattypatra said...

Other than chocolate, pizza, and/or ice cream...I write songs.

As a matter of fact, I wrote a Christmas song today and am trying to figure out how to create an MP3 and post it in my blog!

Another thing that truly helps is to call a good friend and vent. It never fails to make me feel better. :)

Lyssa Ireland Thomas said...

Two words: Chocolate Therapy. I've got the thighs to prove it.

TC said...

Five pounds of expensive, imported, dark chocolate. Alone, away from the communists that are my children.

Catherine M. said...

I think forehead licking is romantic.

Amy said...

I stick food up my orifices.

Okay...soooo not what you're thinking! In college study groups with my roommates, it would not be out of the ordinary for them to look up and find Cap'n Crunch Berries stuck in my nostrils. Or pieces of corn capping my teeth. Or baby carrots sticking out of nose. I once led a "how long can you hang a spoon from your nose" contest. It prematurely ended our study session because we wasted all that time and then had to get to bed, but ya know...sometimes you just HAVE to hang a spoon from your nose. Then when your other roommate comes home and finds all her roommates sitting on the floor, with spoons hanging from their noses but acting like they're studying, well, it don't get no better than that.

dee said...

watch the "Pinky & the Brain" dvds my son bought me for my birthday. You can't be stressed with P&B-close second is "Animaniacs"
My son's 23 and I'm not but I think it keeps me feeling young.

Stimpy said...

Pinky and the Brain and Animaniacs are great cartoons. It's pretty amazing how enjoyable they are for adults even though they were made for kids. I like to tinker on my unfinished projects in the garage to burn off stress. Congratulations on the marathon by the way.

CollegeGirl said...

I posed a similar question the other day. I worry too much. I need to find a productive way to channel my stress!

Rob & Katy said...

put the stress aside and enjoy today-
CONGRATULATIONS DR. LAWSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Penny http://modernscrapgirl.typepad.com/ said...

I eat, drink good wine, mindlessly cruise the internet for fun and interesting blogs. All at the same time. I must be under a lot of stress because my keyboard is an encrusted mess.

Cheryl said...

Oooooh! Is today Jared's graduation? Congratulations!

Now you can start being a rich doctor's wife! :-)

Happy packing!

Mrs. Furious said...

I've always found donning my old maternity sports bra and posting some muscle man poses usually turns my stress level right around.. but of course I'm not *normal*... and that might not work for everyone