Kiss Your What?!

December 11, 2007
Last night, James came home from a six hour play date, and he was completely amped up on frosting and fun. My two-year-old had spent the entire afternoon with his good friend Max, he was sporting a sassy looking tweety-bird pull-up, and he was dropped off carrying a greasy paper bag filled with mini-corndogs and french fries.

Now I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure that James experienced the toddler equivalent of spontaneously losing thirty pounds, and marrying a swimsuit model with a trust fund.

It was a good day.

It was very obvious that James was overexcited the moment he swung open our front door and stumbled inside like a mini-little drunk man. Rather than taking a moment to collect himself and tell me about his adventures, he walked into the living room, grabbed hold of his enormous book wagon, and wheeled it into the kitchen.

"James" I said. "Why'd you bring the book wagon in here?"

"I happy" he replied. "So I well frow da book in da kishen!" (translation: I'm happy. So I'll throw the books in the kitchen!)

And before I knew it, the kitchen floor was littered with thirty-or-so board books, Goodnight Moon had landed in the dish-filled sink, and The Foot Book was floating sadly in the dog's water bowl.

James observed his work, flashed a mischievous smile and proclaimed, "I not done yet! Now I well stind en da wagone!" (translation: I'm not done yet! Now I will stand in the wagon!)

"James buddy...don't stand up in the wagon. It's not safe. You could..."

And he interrupted my sentence by falling backwards and smacking his head on the linoleum. It really was a sad sight--thirty-nine pounds of my extra big toddler, lying in a pile of crinkled up books, and screaming with the intensity of an overtired zoo animal.

I picked him up, straightened his lop-sided afro and asked, "Are you okay, pal?"

"No Moyee. I not otay. My hayo urts." (translastion: No Mommy. I'm not okay. My hair hurts.)

So I gave him a kiss on the head.

"And dis urts" he said--lip quivering, as he pointed to his rear end. "Moyee, you need ta kiss my bum. Pwease Moyee, kiss my boddum."

"You want me to what!?"

I don't suppose that line of toddler speak requires much translation. You read it correctly--my two-year-old son asked me to kiss his butt. And I'm embarrassed to admit, that without a split second of hesitation, I puckered up and made it happen.

Please. Someone knock some sense into me.

32 comments:

Charlotte said...

Oh, what a good mom you are! My kid would have been up a creek without a paddle.

Catherine M. said...

Perfect! Your humor is definitely back. James was one of 11 kiddos with us yesterday. He just stumbled around smiling the whole time.

Jess said...

I have stumbled into the hosue and done a very similiar pattern of behavior in the past. I have even requested others to kiss my $ss. Perhaps, my husband is right: I still am a 2 year old.

RunningCrazyAfter3 said...

Eh, the bottom kissing doesn't bother me in the least, but the book throwing would have had me at my wits' end! What a good mommy you are :)

Hilary said...

Of course you kissed it.. who else would? :)

I remember when my pre-school-aged son would run around naked and giggling, with me in hot pursuit threatening to "bite that peach!" He once stopped in mid step, turned around to show me his naked front and said "You'd better not.. this one has a worm in it!"

That's one quote I didn't use on my own blog lest he find it, and never come home again. :)

The One and Only Tigger said...

You are a good mommy for puckering up and kissing the pullup. The books would have sent me over the edge, yet alone standing in a waggon. Hope you have recovered from the marathon.

The One and Only Tigger said...

You are a good mommy for puckering up and kissing the pullup. The books would have sent me over the edge, yet alone standing in a waggon. Hope you have recovered from the marathon.

Amy said...

Almost makes me wish I lived in Dallas so I could send my kid to Max's house.

jjstringham said...

My three year old wants to know what I'm laughing at. I don't know what to tell him.

And I've done the exact same thing.

Anonymous said...

Wow... all i can say is.....HAHAHAHAHAH.

Melinda said...

Ah, the things mothers will do for their children...

jkrunning said...

I have such a similar story, only my sweet little girl said "butt" instead of "bum." Kids are so sweet aren't they.

Viv said...

That is what we do, no doubt. I love how excited he was though, poor thing.

Patty said...

No No, you missed the best line. The best line was "my hair hurts". His *hair* hurts?!? Now that's pretty damn funny!!

Mary said...

You definitely have not lost your groove!

Anonymous said...

GET A LIFE

Amy said...

I'm the funny one, you're the a-hole behind the mask who keeps reading a 'sucky blog.'
So, really, who needs to get a life?
At least show your name you big, old, rotten weiner.
I'd love to accidentally rear end your car with my '89 Blazer :o)

Rob & Katy said...

anonymous is a booty head. ignore it, amy. :)

Catherine M. said...

Anonymous is a knave, a rascal , an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action taking, whoreson, glass-gazing, superserviceable, finical rogue; one-trunk inheriting slave... the son and heir of a mongrel bitch.

Anon., if you ever reveal yourself, I'll carbonado your shanks!

*Borrowed from Kent of course

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm a dick-head. Sorry

Hilary said...

Anonymous makes my hayo urt.

chattypatra said...

I think anonymous actually knows Amy and is very jealous of her popularity and all-around coolness.
Thus, all the asshat posts.

Whoever you are, you make me sad. Hopefully, like the Grinch, your heart will grow back to a normal size.

Jes said...

You are on spectacular Mom!

Cheryl said...

Of course you kissed it! You are a moyee, after all, aren't you!? What a great story. You definitely have not lost your groove.

Tina said...

BTDT! I'm constanly being told to "kiss my foot" by K. Suffice it to say, her feet taste taste better after a bath.

Grandma said...

To anonymous... if you are the same anon. that later apologized, then apology accepted and thank you. If not, perhaps you should visit other blogs instead. You run the risk of not being chosen for our team volleyball tournament. (and you would miss out on the uniforms and believe me they are fabulous-with lots of glitter)

Grandma said...

James- looks like a fun time, but no wagon standing please!!

Bahston Beans said...

Gracie totally had the right approach to this. I blew up the picture and noticed how her head is under the blanket!

January said...

LOL that is hilarious! I would have puckered up too for one of my kids' hurt bottoms!

CollegeGirl said...

You are such a good mommy!!

MB said...

What else is a good Mom to do? I'm sure you will be happy to kiss his boddum the rest of your life.

P.O.M. said...

That is too adorable for words. My 2 yr old neice uses the word "booty." So cute!