We Made It

Christmas Eve 2007

We did it, we survived, and we're finally home in New England. After three-and-a-half days in a Penske rental truck, believe me when I tell you that I couldn't be any happier. There's just something magical about being back home. And there's something even more magical in being freed from the stench of Chinese-food-egg-farts, in a truck cab, on a long and lonely stretch of highway.

Last night, when I went to pick up a pizza, I was greeted by a bearded cook, who was high on marijuana, wearing a Red Sox hat, and a t-shirt that said "Don't blame me--I voted for Nader." Honestly guys, the classic New England granolaness of the scene brought a tear to my eye. "There's no place like home," I thought. "There's no freaking place like home."

Tonight, as I sit and ponder the miracle of the federal highway system and the BK Whopper, I would like to extend a few "shout outs" to some key players of our pilgrimage.

To Jeff Foxworthy: I love the CD that you recorded way back in '89. I picked it up for $7.99 at a Tennessee truck stop, and I laughed my pooper off for two hours straight. Mr. Foxworthy, you are a genius.

To the woman at the same Tennessee truck stop: I also fancied the faux lion head. I am in complete agreement--I think it will look fabulous in your "drinkin' shed."

To the proprietor of The Budget Inn in Bristol, VA: Unless new wallpaper in 1994 is considered "recently remodeled" in your next of the woods, you my dear, are a bold faced liar. PS...my dog took a dump in your goldfish pond.

To the prostitute at the travel stop in New Jersey: I am speechless.

And to my fellow Burger King consumer: Yo. I honestly assumed that you were planning to feed your entire family with that order. Two triple Whoopers, a twelve-piece chicken fries, one apple pie, two orders of onion rings, and an orange drink?! I sincerely hope that you've included me in your will--because I could use a small inheritance in the next few weeks.

In the spirit of the holiday, I must sign off. I apologize for the short post, but I still have one Tip n' Toot Tractor, two tubes of toothpaste, and four cases of windshield washer fluid to wrap.

Merry Christmas, Troops!