Happy New Year, everyone! I'm not sure how you rang in 2008, but I celebrated by watching my one hundred pound brother-in-law do a killer back flip off the roof of his parents' house at the stroke of midnight. He was wearing nothing but long johns and a homemade tank top that sported the slogan "Happy New Year Suckers."
We capped off the night by testing a canine shock collar on my innocent, sleeping husband. And just in case you're wondering, a shock collar set to "7" does in fact pack enough punch to make a full grown Mormon man swear like an eighth grade sailor.
I have a sneaking suspicion that 2008 is going to be one of my best years ever. Yes, I'm basing this assumption entirely on recent fortune cookie readings, but they've been unbelievably accurate as of late, so cut me a frigging break.
For example, on opening day of baseball season, my fortune said: YOUR SPORTS TEAM WILL EXPERIENCE GREAT SUCCESS THIS YEAR. And then, several months later, the Sox went all the way to win the World Series in a four game stomping. Trust me folks, the little strip of paper containing that bit of optimistic confidence has been archived into my "Thank You Very Much" file.
And get a load of this...the night before Jared's graduation, my fortune cookie said: A FOUR WHEELED ADVENTURE WILL SOON BRING YOU GREAT JOY. Well, we moved across the country in a Budget rental truck, and so far I'm simply spitting with joy. That crappin' little cooking was right again. Dang!
And on that very same night--I kid you not--Jared's fortune said: YOU WOULD BE HIGHLY SUCCESSFUL AS A MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. Maybe my mother-in-law rigged that cookie, I don't know. But either way it's convinced me that things are looking up, and some where, down the road, Jared Lawson will finally earn a paycheck. Hallelujah.
Allow me to leave you with one more fantastically encouraging experience. This afternoon, as I sauntered through my in-laws' kitchen wearing my Alf slippers and my 2008 tiara, I spotted a heaping pile of--what else?--fortune cookies. With a happy little prayer in my heart, I selected one from the middle of the pile, split it in half, and removed this miniature note of encouragement: YOUR TALENTS WILL BE RECOGNIZED AND SUITABLY REWARDED. As I read those words, I honestly had to fight back a tear or two. After I pulled myself together, I clasped that fortune in my hand, held my fist against my heart and thought, "I'm gonna win thirty-five bucks in a pie eating contest. How fantastic!"
According to the almighty power of Chinese superstition, the Lawsons are about to hit the big time. It's only been twenty-one hours, but so far, I'm really loving 2008.
Oh, and I think my New Year's resolution is pretty flapping obvious--I'm trying to lay off the Chinese food.
Happy New Year everyone!