Hotness in a Can

February 4, 2008

Every now and again, when my ass starts to get a little fluffy, I'll go on a strange nutritional kick in an effort to turn things around. In the past two months I've gone from running forty miles a week to running four miles a week, I've become a working mother--and lucky me, it also happened to be the Christmas season.

So go ahead and do the math, people. Run the numbers, count the calories. Any way you slice it, I'm having a full blown fluff-fest in my pants. My butt cheeks jiggle when I sneeze, my tricep area swings around and smacks me in the face when I wave to my neighbors, and I've popped three buttons off of three pairs of pants in the last two weeks.

Fine. The arm thwapping thing is a bold faced lie, but I swear on my binder of State Building Codes, that buttons are literally FLYING off of my pants. In an effort to avoid further humiliation, I've been forced to keep a sewing kit in my treat drawer at work. That means less room for Kit Kats and cupcakes. Very frustrating.

To back things up a bit--when I begin to have difficulty breathing just because I'm wearing clothes, I often revert to self-developed nutritional gimmicks to get things back on track. For example, in the past I've convinced myself that jalapeños zap love-handle pudge, that extra icy drinks will freeze your pipes and block the absorption of calories, and prunes will make you hot no matter what you do with them.

Today my dear friends and readers, I'd like to introduce my newest approach to everlasting hot-bodyness. I like to call it the Low Sodium Generic V8 Dietary Supplementation Program.

Here's how the program works: You drink two to forty glasses of Low Sodium V8 every day, without changing any existing dietary habits.

Here's why the program works: Drinking vegetables makes you strong and gives you energy. In fact, vegetables are so good for you, they'll cancel out any other food you'll ever eat. Want a piece of chocolate cake? That's cool, just eat it with a V8. Want a t-bone steak drizzled with butter? That's cool too, just eat it with a V8.

You get the idea.

I've been on the program for nearly three weeks, and so far I've seen no results. But that's to be expected. I also expect to wake up one morning with the body of Christina Aguilera. I also expect to drop out of my program before that glorious day. What a shame.

A few days ago, Jared and I were waiting in line at the grocery store when I realized I'd forgotten my beloved V8. So I ran back to the juice isle, loaded my arms with several cans of my secret miracle, and hobbled back to the checkout stand. Jared helped me unload the six cans--you know, the large ones that you need special tool to open--onto the conveyer belt, and followed it up with a look of disgust.

I was like, "What?"

And he was all, "You're buying six things of Stop n' Shop brand low sodium vegetable juice in the big ass cans?! Amy, that's completely weird. Next thing you know, you're gonna whip out your social security check and pay with that."

"You stop," I said. "Vegetable juice is not just for old people. It's also for super models. And world-class athletes. And me. And you better believe, that once this stuff kicks in, I'm leaving you for a soap star with a trust fund so fast that it'll make your head spin."

"Or some guy named at the rest home named Herbert," he replied.

So here it is, the question of the day: Is Stop n' Shop brand Low Sodium Vegetable Juice in the large tin cans for old people only or can hip, young hotties drink it, too? I really need to know.

You can leave your opinions in the comment section, and--as always--your participation is greatly appreciated.