Hotness in a Can

February 4, 2008

Every now and again, when my ass starts to get a little fluffy, I'll go on a strange nutritional kick in an effort to turn things around. In the past two months I've gone from running forty miles a week to running four miles a week, I've become a working mother--and lucky me, it also happened to be the Christmas season.

So go ahead and do the math, people. Run the numbers, count the calories. Any way you slice it, I'm having a full blown fluff-fest in my pants. My butt cheeks jiggle when I sneeze, my tricep area swings around and smacks me in the face when I wave to my neighbors, and I've popped three buttons off of three pairs of pants in the last two weeks.

Fine. The arm thwapping thing is a bold faced lie, but I swear on my binder of State Building Codes, that buttons are literally FLYING off of my pants. In an effort to avoid further humiliation, I've been forced to keep a sewing kit in my treat drawer at work. That means less room for Kit Kats and cupcakes. Very frustrating.

To back things up a bit--when I begin to have difficulty breathing just because I'm wearing clothes, I often revert to self-developed nutritional gimmicks to get things back on track. For example, in the past I've convinced myself that jalapeƱos zap love-handle pudge, that extra icy drinks will freeze your pipes and block the absorption of calories, and prunes will make you hot no matter what you do with them.

Today my dear friends and readers, I'd like to introduce my newest approach to everlasting hot-bodyness. I like to call it the Low Sodium Generic V8 Dietary Supplementation Program.

Here's how the program works: You drink two to forty glasses of Low Sodium V8 every day, without changing any existing dietary habits.

Here's why the program works: Drinking vegetables makes you strong and gives you energy. In fact, vegetables are so good for you, they'll cancel out any other food you'll ever eat. Want a piece of chocolate cake? That's cool, just eat it with a V8. Want a t-bone steak drizzled with butter? That's cool too, just eat it with a V8.

You get the idea.

I've been on the program for nearly three weeks, and so far I've seen no results. But that's to be expected. I also expect to wake up one morning with the body of Christina Aguilera. I also expect to drop out of my program before that glorious day. What a shame.

A few days ago, Jared and I were waiting in line at the grocery store when I realized I'd forgotten my beloved V8. So I ran back to the juice isle, loaded my arms with several cans of my secret miracle, and hobbled back to the checkout stand. Jared helped me unload the six cans--you know, the large ones that you need special tool to open--onto the conveyer belt, and followed it up with a look of disgust.

I was like, "What?"

And he was all, "You're buying six things of Stop n' Shop brand low sodium vegetable juice in the big ass cans?! Amy, that's completely weird. Next thing you know, you're gonna whip out your social security check and pay with that."

"You stop," I said. "Vegetable juice is not just for old people. It's also for super models. And world-class athletes. And me. And you better believe, that once this stuff kicks in, I'm leaving you for a soap star with a trust fund so fast that it'll make your head spin."

"Or some guy named at the rest home named Herbert," he replied.

So here it is, the question of the day: Is Stop n' Shop brand Low Sodium Vegetable Juice in the large tin cans for old people only or can hip, young hotties drink it, too? I really need to know.

You can leave your opinions in the comment section, and--as always--your participation is greatly appreciated.

26 comments:

Bahston Beans said...

Definitely for hip young hotties. If you want some of my metamucil to mix in with the V8, please let me know.

Heidi said...

Totally for old people.

But don't worry because you've got other exciting things to keep you in the hip and sexy category. Like your hard hat.

vkrem1dm said...

You're on the right track. Remember that you need to have some fat with the same meal for your body to fully absorb the vegetable juice benefits. Otherwise, they're just empty calories and who needs those! Keep chocolate cake handy so when the less sexy almonds run out you can stick with your 'diet'.

Good luck!

Vanilla said...

Hmmm... I'm sorry Amy, but drinking your veggies is for people who can't gum them down because they've lost too many teeth or are worried about their dentures falling out.

However, getting a social security check each month would be totally cool so let me know if you figure that one out.

akshaye said...

chocolate cake with v8.. you just made me spit up my lunch on the monitor!

i gotta say.. unless its going into a bloody mary, its for old people!

jjstringham said...

My opinion: big ass cans are for old people. But those little teeny tiny cans that hold enough for two gulps are totally for hip young hotties.

Rhien Family said...

try an all prune-juice diet.

That way, there'd be no question if you were starting a hip trend, or conforming to the old masses.

V8 is for oldies, especially in big huge cans.

Hurricane said...

Hi Amy - Long time reader, first time poster (she says in her call in radio voice). Although it could be considered an old person drink, you are saving your hard earned money by buying economically. You are doing your duty to save your family money and all Jared can do is poke fun at you? When you leave him for the soap star, make sure you point out how you scrimped and saved so you can get more in the settlement :-)

And anyways, by the time you get it home, who is going to know or care? :-)

Laura said...

I can't drink V8 without feeling sick. Been like that since I was a little kid. Last year I decided I might give it a try (because I'm a big girl now with grownup taste). The verdict? No. Never. Ew.

However, I hate to waste perfectly good food/drinks, so I put it in a mug and heated it up so it was like soup. It was palatable.

Grandma said...

I don't think it's meant for either.I think I tried it once many years ago and couldn't even swallow it....ick...would rather eat cherry tomatoes....or chocolate...or chocolate-covered cherry tomatoes...or lint covered chocolate I find in my pocket....

Jess said...

I've never had V8 or its generic version. Just as I've never had Ensure. Why? Because I'm 29, not 89.

Sarah said...

Well all of the clients I work with that are like over 60 drink it if that helps.

The Carrie Collection said...

People made fun of me in high school for proudly drinking my homemade carrot juice but guess what? I have 20-15 vision and they all just spent $2,000 an eye on lasic surgery. Old people know what's up 'cause they just do.
I like that you getting fluffy. In Brazil everyone called me fofa, which translates into fluffy. I of course hated this until I realized that South Americans straight up love it and they thought I was fluffy HOT! Just move south of the border and those extra pounds turn into my favorite cliche, 'more is less'.

Christy said...

Of course it's for hip young hotties. I love that stuff. Delicious!

Lori said...

Yummm! I love the v-8...no better way to get a big kick of veggies in a hurry :)

P.O.M. said...

I vote old people who can't chew or really digest "real food" anymore.
Unless you mix it with vodka and drink it in the morning. Which I know you DON'T do.. but you never know... mmuuuuaaahhhhh

Cheryl said...

I love V-8 juice, and I'm OLD! So there ya go. It must be for oldies. On the other hand, I loved it when I was a kid, too. (Yes, young and hot once upon a time.) :P You either love it or you don't.

Rob & Katy said...

yuck.

melickit said...

yeah it's for old people, or making chili, those are the only acceptable uses for V8

Elaine said...

Hey! What happened to your permalinks? Can't link to your posts anymore and that makes me sad. Especially since that's how you end up in the "More from BlogHer" section of the ad and we really like featuring you! Help?

Amy said...

Elaine...I'll fix that...thanks for the heads up!
Amy

Michemily said...

In my previous, normal, pampered life, I would say, "Eeeew! Totally gross, don't ever do it." Now, I would say, "Is it food? Is it free?" "Cheap" usually works in place of "free," but not for this one. Sorry.

Marathoner in Training said...

Now if you have the generic brand in the oversized containers, and buying it in gross quantity, you might be old. However if you use it to wash down the Gerital and prunes, then you are getting old. If you use diapers to catch it all, then you are old.

Barbaloot said...

Mmm-I'm gonna lean towards the old people. But hey-if it turns out you do look like Christina Aguilera, will you let me know? I'll be willing to act old if I look hot.

Jill said...

If you are young and hot, then obviously, the young and hot can drink it.
Personally, I don't like V8 juice, however, it does sound healthier than what I have been eating lately. Today for breakfast, I had Diet Coke and peanut m&ms.

The breakfast of Champions!

chattypatra said...

A few months ago, I bought a large bottle of one of the new V8 blends of fruits and vegetables, thinking I could get my father to drink it.

So...I chilled it in the fridge and brought him some in one of my fancy glasses. "Here Dad, try this great new juice blend. I bought it especially for you."

He sipped on the glass (smart!), then gave me "the look". "What the heck is this?", said the 92 yr. old WWII veteran. "This tastes HORRIBLE, like the crap they give old people to drink at those homes where their children leave them to die!"

Hmmm...ok, Dad. Sorry about that.

His reply? "If you want to drink it, go ahead. Otherwise, just pour the whole bottle down the drain. It might even clean it."

Case closed.

But hey, Amy, if you like it, more power to you! Enjoy!