The Lawson Family Debates

January 31, 2008

There has been a major shift in the Lawson family, and all of the sudden I'm married to a political junkie. Jared just can't seem to get enough of this stuff. When I come home in the afternoon the man is usually watching C-SPAN or CNN or some ugly old guy talking about what happened on C-SPAN or CNN. I'm usually like, "Real men watch HGTV Jared. If you want to stay informed, switch it to channel 32. You'll learn how to match crown molding to a bed skirt."

He never goes for it, and consequently, I'm in the process of losing my mind.

Now that he's a stay-at-home-dad, Jared has used his time to teach James how to march around like a wind-up toy and chant, "Mitt! Mitt! Mitt!" In retaliation, my mother has taught James to get that dreamy look in his two-year-old eye and say, "I looooove Hillary." And me? I just sit back and watch them confuse the hell out of my innocent little toddler. Every now and again I'll muster up the energy to interject and say, "James, don't listen to either of them. You're two, and the only thing you need to know is how to order a Snickers Blizzard at the Dairy Queen window. You can form your own opinion when you're old enough to drive a motor scooter." That usually quiets the masses.

It's really no wonder that James is receiving so many mixed messages. I was raised by a long, hard line of staunch Democratic supporters. Once my Grandfather earned his American citizenship, it didn't matter if the left-wing candidate wore underpants on his head and his running mate was a full-bred Shetland pony--he voted straight Democratic every single time.

And my in-law's? They'd vote for the Republican kazoo player named Mr. Pickles without a moment's hesitation--because let's face it folks, if you want the Earth to remain on its axis, a right-winged vote is the only sensible way to go.

And then there's me. I'm like, "Mmmmmm..I'm voting for the brown hooker boots. Those ballet flats make her calves look really fat even though they're TOTALLY NOT!"

I like The Style Network.

Last night, Jared had the nerve to switch off American Idol so he could watch another Presidential debate. And I swear on my package of Breath Saver mints, that this is the seventh or eighth debate we've watched in the last couple of weeks. After a few minutes of the same old stuff, I stood up and announced that I'd be watching the Idol auditions upstairs.

In retaliation of my viewing selection, Jared informed me that it's not only fun, but it's also my patriotic duty to watch the debates and learn something meaningful. Far be it from me--the professional public servant--to ignore my nationalistic obligations, so I plopped my rear back on the couch and decided to "get something out of it." More specifically, I paid close attention to the candidates' style of interpersonal communication, and sharpened my skills of debate.

Get a load of this.

Jared: Amy, why'd you leave your dish in the sink?
Amy: I don't see why you have a problem with that; after all, YOU left YOUR dishes in the sink for twenty-four straight hours last August.

Jared: Did you eat the rest of the chocolate cake?
Amy: First, let's discuss the fact that YOU ate the rest of the cookie dough ICE CREAM!

Jared: Look at this credit card bill! Did you seriously spend eighty-eight dollars on a pair of jeans?
Amy: I'd watch what you say, Mister three-hundred-dollar-fishing

-pole! And no, you're way off the mark, they were $87.50. Get your facts straight.

Jared: Can you put some gas in the car?
Amy: Can you get a haircut and do a few push-ups?

And that's that, folks--I'm officially off the hook for the rest of the primaries, and probably the rest of my life, too. Next week we're totally watching American Idol.