Near Death Experience

May 8, 2007
A few days ago, in a moment of sizzling hemorrhoidal flare-up, I dodged into my in-laws' bathroom desperately seeking relief. I've been using their facilities for the past seven years, so I entered their guest-bath fully expecting to find a small box of moist-bum-towelettes perched upon the back of the commode.

In case you're not familiar, these bum-towelettes are very similar to baby-wipes. The only differences are: they're smaller, the packaging does not feature a logo of a bear holding a balloon, and they're fully intended for adults. If I had to give it my best guess, my mother-in-law keeps a package on hand in case a guest inadvertently sharts himself during an uncontrolled fit of laughter. If that gesture alone doesn't make her the Hostess-with-the-Mostess, then I'm convinced that there's no such thing.

The moment I crossed the bathroom threshold, I saw that heavenly little box gently whispering the words 'cooling sensation' and within one quarter of a second I had dropped trou. With my pants firmly around my ankles, I hopped toward the toilet with bold determination--and if you know me personally, then you know that I seriously suck at hopping.

Just for a moment, I want you to close your eyes and imagine that you have the itchiest arse in the history of mankind. Now I want you to go deep within yourself and imagine how it must have felt when I discovered an empty box of bum-towelettes.

Devastating. That's how it felt.

Fortunately, hope was briefly restored when I spotted a full container of towelettes sitting right next to the empty one. Without a moment of hesitation I tore open the container, ripped out a wipe, and did what I needed to do to tame that evil little roid.

And that my friends, is the moment that I screamed like a woman tied to a set of train tracks and briefly blacked out--or perhaps it was a long blink, I really can't be sure. When I finally came to, I could barely tolerate the pain. It felt like satan himself had nestled in my pants and launched a fire ball right into the crack of my you-know-what.

Sweat was rolling down my brow, I was on my knees clawing the bath mat in agony, and before my swear filter had a chance to kick in I'm pretty sure I said, "@#$# &^%!@) &^%!@ &*(^% MEREDITHHHHHH!!!!" That's my mother-in-law's name.

After the pain had dulled to a wavy throb, I coaxed myself off the floor, picked up the second container of wipes--the one that had done this horrible thing to me--and read the label aloud: Lysol Sanitizing Wipes Waterfall Scent. I damn near died all over again.

Moral of the story--read before you wipe.

27 comments:

Laura said...

Heeheehee, that seriously SUCKS!!! Hahaha. I am still laughing out loud!

Maraiya said...

Laughing. Out loud. Grinning my head off. And it's all because of your moment of pain. Wasn't it all worth it?

Vanilla said...

What the heck is waterfall scent? Does it smell like water and if so what does water smell like? Is that their way of saying odorless wipes or did the "English Rose" scent not turn out the way they wanted it to and so they just slapped "Waterfall Scent" on the package instead?

Great Post Amy! Here I was thinking I'd have the best "pants around your ankles" post of the week, but you certainly have me beat! LMAO!

Bahston Beans said...

OMG. I am so sorry. But maybe that's your karma returning the favor for you showing me your hemorrhoid a while back.

mommymelb said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That's the funniest thing I've read all year.

akshaye said...

Haha! That was crazy .. Ouch.. but funny nonethless!

VerWaynia said...

That's the best thing I've read all day (sorry!) Probably for three reasons - I love your storytelling (no butt kissing intended,) I also suffer from the occasional post baby roid, and we love those wipes in our house! My husband calls them the "after dinner mint for your butt!" Although these days we just use babywipes.

Kim said...

You give "roid rage" a whole new meaning!

Hilary said...

Oh you poor, poor thing. That might just be worse than handling a contact lens after cutting up Jalapeno peppers.

I can hear you singing "It's my potty and I'll cry if I want to.."

And Kim's comment... priceless.

Rob & Katy said...

rob appreciated the DETAILED message you left about this incident on our voicemail.

Cheryl said...

Oh, that's what that screaming was the other day! My heart goes out to you.

Heather said...

Oh sweet mother of chocolate that sounds painful!

Chan said...

I needed wipes after reading this.

Chan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Shelle said...

That was so funny...yet sucked so bad and I totally have been there...except I didn't wipe with sanitizing wipes...but I feel you...with two kids came the hemorrhoids and it sucked like a vacuum! You're hilarious

I came over from BLOGHER ads!

Grandma said...

just reading that was painful.owwwwwwwwwwwwww ...yes just like call before you dig, read before you wipe! didn't your mother teach you that?!

chattypatra said...

Incidents like that are what keep shrinks in business, Amy!

Are you going to pull a Monk and hire an assistant to carry your very own personal supply of wipes in her bag? :)

I feel slightly traumatized reading about your ordeal. Excuse me, I need to add an item to my grocery list - STAT!

Henry said...

My grandma's guest bathroom has the same wipes. I started laughing before the punch line 'cause I knew what was coming. ROFL I'm at work and had to duck my head down because I was laughing so hard. Yeah, what is waterfall scent?

The Roberts' Report said...

Holy Shnikeys!! Roids are the worst. Especially the tacts to get rid of them are down ride inhumane!

Sue said...

Ayeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! and also Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ouch.

Loralei said...

I'm sorry for your pain, but that was hilarious! I even read it aloud to my husband.

Emily Murdock said...

So the real question is, does your hemorrhoid smell any better?

MB said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Thanks for sharing. At least you are waterfall fresh now. :)

Jill said...

OUCH!!!!
Do you think someone may have put those waterfall scented wipes there on purpose? As some sort of twisted practical joke?

Something to think about.

Dan and Emily Clark said...

Ok, I need my own box of wipes now after reading that--I am seriously crying laughling over here and my kids think I'm crazy. I still can't figure out why you haven't written a book. . .

P.O.M. said...

Advice taken.
You showed your friend your "roid?" Oh heavens.

Jes said...

Oh that is just the laugh I needed today! Thank you! I'm sorry for your pain.