Deli Tickets and Cheetos

August 13, 2008

Yes, the rumors are true--so you can all stop messaging me on Facebook. Well, all four of you can stop messaging me anyway.

I can't zip my fat pants, I ate a Cheeto off the ground at a Blue Canoe gas station, and this past weekend I asked my mother-in-law if she would be my Maid-of-Honor if I ever get remarried. She said that she absolutely wouldn't--not unless her son ends up in prison.

At this point, I wouldn't place my bets. If anyone in this marriage gets thrown in the slammer, it will most certainly be me. After all, what happens to twenty-something-year-old women who use the men's bathroom for adventure's sake and send their toddler to daycare wearing water shoes and mismatched socks? They go to jail.

Fine, not usually--but I have a tendency to overreact these days.

And this straight-up craziness is all because of some guy named Jared Lawson, who had the nerve to knock me up. Again.

At this point in time, a typical conversation in our home goes something like this:

ME: Jared. Why did you eat my frozen taquitos?
JARED: Because I was hungry.
ME: Well you can't eat my taquitos.
JARED: Why not?
ME: Because YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!!!

or

JARED: Amy. Are you ready for church?
ME: I'm too fat to go to church.
JARED: What? No you're not.
ME: Shut it, Jared. YOU DID THIS TO ME!!!!!

I was remarkably calm during my pregnancy with James. Seriously, I was all "Look at you, trying to steal my car. Hop out of the driver's seat and run along now young man! I wouldn't want to have to disrupt our days by calling the authorities..." And then I patted the perp on the shoulder as he dove into my bushes.

This time? Not so much. I'm more like, "Take a damn number you numbskull--this is the deli line, not a frigging circus." Then I like to cap it off by tossing an $8 loaf of bread into the darkest corner of the bonehead's cart when he goes to take the ticket. That'll show him.

But underneath the empty threats, and the air born household items, I'm really very happy. I guess I'm not so sure how Jared is feeling about the whole situation--I'll ask him about it when he finally works up the nerve to come out of the linen closet.

43 comments:

Laura said...

Um, congratulations? :)

Andrea N said...

Yeah, what Laura said...congrats and all!!

jjstringham said...

Hee hee. I was just about to message you on facebook when I decided to check the blog first.

So congratulations. And can I ask? How soon will James be a big brother?

Sarah said...

Wow! Congratulations!! I like the expensive bread revenge... well played.

Jodie said...

Get out! (with a Sienfield - Elaine shove!)

Congrats?! LOL. Bring on the cranky...at least you have an excuse, right.

LOL - too funny about the bread. Great trick.

Heather said...

Congratulations!!! So excited for you. Have you broken the news to James?

Laura said...

Don't ever ever let him forget he did that to you! And when you have a hormonal girl running around, remind him daily. Or a clumsy can't-stay-out-of-the-ER boy, remind him.
Good Luck!! And...Congrats. Even though it's not your fault!

littlebee said...

Amy, tell the dog poo story!

Helen said...

Congratulations!

Vanilla said...

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!?

Just kidding. Congratulations! :)

Jody said...

It's all his fault!
It's all his fault!

Darn Men!

Congrats and enjoy the cheetos, though spring for the big fresh bag. So good!

Jared said...

Yo! as I recall you had a little bit to do with this thing as well. It takes two to tango baby!

Sarah said...

Cracks me up - congrats :)

heather of the EO said...

congrats from a random stranger person.

John said...

Amen brother, Amen...

Brandon Harshe said...

Congrats on a future #2. Actually, that would be a cool name. You know kind of like in Austin Powers? Dr Evil's sidekick?

Just think... when someone asks you about your kids' names, you can tell them "This is James, and this is Number Two."

Talk about sweetness. Number Two Lawson.

ThePursuitofScrappiness said...

Congrats!!!!!

Topher said...

Seriously, has teaching Sunbeams taught you nothing?

Amy said...

So you're going to try Vanilla's cure for kids who hit you--have another one and let them hit each other.

Cheryl said...

Woo-Hoo! Congratulations to you!

P.O.M. said...

Sweeeeeeeeeeeet. From a totally selfish standpoint, we get to enjoy some great pregnancy stories!
AND you can pig out for the next few months and not feel guilty :) Have you told James about being a big brother?

HotMommy said...

You should have a contest and let your readers name the next off-spring.

Patti said...

Congratulations!! When will James be a big brother??

Jill said...

Congratulations!!

Just so you know, having two kids isn't that hard. It's the third one that will completely send you over the edge.

Happy gestating!!

Lindsey said...

You have my condolences.. I am right there with you.. mad as hell at the man who lives here. I am due Feb 2.. and you?

chattypatra said...

I just gave my father the happy news and he said: "Well, she played some Ping-Pong and that's what she got." Ha!

Can you tell I have him hooked on to the Olympics?

CONGRATULATIONS, Wonder Woman!

Katy said...

glad you're out. now all my online friends can stop pretending they don't know.

David and Sammy said...

Congrats! Can't wait to hear all the upcoming preggo moments...

runningmemaw said...

Congrats to you! Love the bread trick!

Robin said...

I had to de-lurk to say...Congratulations!

Just think of all the funny stories you will have with two kiddos. :)

MissAllycat said...

Oh boy! I hope #2 is another mini Richard Simmons!

Sarah said...

Yay that's exciting! But having recently finished my first trimester of puking, bloating, sleeping and not being able to poop along with slowly growing out of all my clothes...I feel your pain. How far along are you? details please

The Roberts' Report said...

HOLY CRAP am I like the 100th person to comment on this?? I knew someday you would turn to darkside and have another pesky kid to bug the crap out of you. They are so cute until they talk and throw tantrums. Then you just want to send them back...ya know?

Congrats!!

J~Mom said...

Take it easy girl!! LOL

MB said...

You can't trust those men!

I'm sure James will LOVE being a big brother.

Congrats!

Maraiya said...

Congratulations? (Duck and cover).

When are you due? When can Jared come out from the closet? No other connotations implied.

Grandma said...

I'll stock up on cheese balls for you. Hey since you're pregnant,can I have James?

Mindy said...

Your whole post made me laugh, but I have to admit that I laughed harder at Jared's comment. Congratulations, you two tangoers!

Mindy said...

Your whole post made me laugh, but I have to admit that I laughed harder at Jared's comment. Congratulations, you two tangoers!

Hilary said...

Congrats! :)

Michemily said...

I just got the good news. Woohoo!

Smoochefrg said...

Congratulations!

Joy Through Cooking said...

AMY!!! CONGRATS! Very exciting :)
PS sorry it has been awhile. Remember our "we'll run lots and meet up for a race to keep us honest" plan? Yeah... I ran once. I think I bragged about that one time. But that was it! BUT Im going back tonite. GO ME! ;)

I have a feeling pregnancy will bring a whole new level of hilarity to your blog :)