Gracie 911

August 22, 2008

The ducks in that picture are a whole lot more graceful than my 65-pound dog.

Last night, I was walking Gracie and things were pretty much status quo--a couple of soupy poos, a tromp through a huge bed of poison ivy, and a whole lot of trash sniffing. Like I said, totally normal.

When we took a left onto Hayward Street, I spotted a party up on the lefthand side of the street. The yard was packed with 20-something year-olds who were laughing, flirting, and drinking Sam Adams. I can honestly say that I've never seen anything like that in my trashy little town. Usually it's three or four rednecks gathered around a 1988 Buick Regal, listening to gangsta rap on the cassette player--not a happy little Abercrombie crowd.

"Well, excellent," I thought, feeling incredibly self conscious. After all, I was wearing a pair of sweatpants that I've owned since 2001, a white t-shirt that's no longer large enough to contain my baby-belly, and a really strange TEXAS zip-up hoodie that I bought on clearance for less than two dollars. I was pushing an unkempt, and reckless three-year-old on a tricycle, and on top of that, I wasn't wearing any make-up and my hair looked a lot like this.

I had the overwhelming urge to run in the other direction and sob behind a trashcan--but that's far easier said than done when you have a toddler in tow. After a split second of thought, I decided the best thing I could do was to act cool. Also easier said than done.

As we approached the party I adapted my walk into more of a swagger (because that's cool), did my best to swing my knotted-up hair over my shoulder, and casually waved to the party saying "What's up?" in my patented sexy voice.

At that point the sidewalk ended, and were were forced to cross the street (thank goodnich). James followed my directions and looked both ways, and we cautiously stepped off of the curb--away from that horribly fabulous party. I was so anxious to get away from that party, that I gave Gracie a firm tug on her leash when I felt that she wasn't following.

As soon as I tugged on her leash, it was as though I had pressed the whimper loudly button, because Gracie did just that--she whimpered very, very loudly. I quickly turned around in a huff, just wanting to get out of there, but knowing something was probably wrong with my dog.

And it was.

Gracie--having the coordination of a monkey who's drunk on tequila, and a brain the size of a chopped walnut--had decided to tromp across the sewer grate, and inadvertently allowed her back legs to fall through the holes.

For a moment, I completely forgot about the party, because my dog looked so super strange...really short, I guess. And then it dawned on me--"I should probably feel moderately humiliated."

I was itching to rescue my dog, but before I did anything heroic, I had to make sure that James and his tricycle were planted firmly on the sidewalk. That step took about thirty (long) seconds. All the while poor ol' Gracie was howling, and the entire party was watching the situation unfold.

It took three attempts for me to successfully rescue my dog. I probably could have gotten her on my first try, but I was dying not to expose my extra deep plumber's crack to the entire party. By the third attempt I really didn't care and I was like, "Ahem. Attention all party-goers! You will now see the crack of my ass!"

At least I got my dog out.

Ten minutes later, when I arrived back home, Jared was like, "How was your walk, you guys?"

And that's when I finally had the opportunity to hide behind a trashcan and cry.


Mary said...

just wanted to let you know i accidentally blocked you on twitter. My apoligies, the screen is a wee bit too tiny on my iPhone (or my fingers are too big). I will fix when I get home tonight - I can't get there from work. But I wanted to make sure you knew it was by accident!! (I'm myp999 over at Twitter).

Mary said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
JAMIE RBZ said...

You have a knack for finding yourself in precarious situations! I love it, My two year was thinking I was turning red in the face laughing at him as I was reading this blog. Thanks for making his day! ;)

Keli said... CRAP! Seriously, the funniest thing I've read in a while. I love the extra deep plumbers crack line. So true. Keep it up, you make me laugh.

Anonymous said...

Awwwww, my poor Amy and Gracie!

Grandma said...

Poor Gracie and her long,skinny legs. I was hoping to read the part where the party-goer helped rescue her..or maybe pulled your pants up for you in the back...or shielded you..Hey, what's wrong w/ the TX hoodie.I wear mine all the time.

Michemily said...

Why didn't those lame-os help you? HellO!

Cheryl said...

I love your life! Nothing funny like that ever happens to me. But if it did, I would probably never leave my house again. :-)

Amy said...'re not knocked up in your TX hoodie. Trust me, it's strange.

Hilary said...

You not only have the best blog fodder, you have the best blog voice. That was hilarious! I trust Gracie is ok now?

~Amy said...

My friend and I were walking in our neighborhood when we passed one of the pools. There were 3 teenage boys who quickly looked up at the sound of female voices approaching. Upon seeing us, they replied, (with unnecessary disgust if you ask me), "Oh, it's just a couple of moms!"

So, I totally feel your pain! ;)

heather of the EO said...

twitter says you're peeing in the woods. When you are done with that, you can look into this if you feel like it:
then you type in three column blog skins in the search area.
Then I'm under the impression you can download one, swipe up the code, and add it to your blog. Which will totally change your blog. Which I don't know if you want to do. But this is what I discovered in my quest for a third column. I think it's the only way to do it.
(But infinity is not the only blog skins option - google it and you get many choices.)
all that AND I love this post!

chattypatra said...

I thought about you today while I was watching the Olympic marathon. Those partygoers were lame. Why wouldn't they help you? Because they wear Abercrombie & B*%3^!

Don't feel bad Amy, at least you have buns of steel!

chattypatra said...

I thought about you today while I was watching the Olympic marathon. Those partygoers were lame. Why wouldn't they help you? Because they wear Abercrombie & B*%3^!

Don't feel bad Amy, at least you have buns of steel!

Mindy said...

I'm sure everyone at the party was totally awed by your beauty and super-hotness. And I'm also sure they were very glad they got to watch such a vision of beauty a little bit longer...and have a peek at the butt crack. ;) I love your funny stories!

Our Little World said...

Oh Amy, I'm so sorry! I think you handled it quite well though!

joolee said...

"Attention all partygoers! You will now see the crack of my ass!"

I am seriously crying from uncontrollable laughter right now! I'm tempted to make similar announcements when we have company over and I've misplaced my belt. Tee hee! I seriously can't stop laughing!:)))))))) You are officially now my favorite and my best!! Tee heee! Seriously. This is a HUGE compliment. I never laugh out loud. I just smile till my eyes disappear behind my cheeks. Tee hee!