Happy Friggin' Holidays, Dr. Lawson

November 25, 2008

Do you ever find yourself wrestling with the deep and difficult things? Thoughts like, "Well that's funny, I really don't remember marrying a five-foot-ten-inch turd six years ago...."?

No?

Well I do.

Let's take today for example. Early this morning, I graciously offered to run James up and down the state of Maine, in a freezing downpour, to buy Christmas decorations for Jared's office. Jared's office you see, is on Main Street. And this Saturday, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, the city has organized a Christmas party--which, I should mention, will occur right in front of his practice.

To really plop a cherry on the free publicity we'll be offering free ten-minute massages, cookies, candy, drinks, blah, blah, blah. So obviously, the office could use some Christmas decor and cheer.

For the sake of the story, let's just go ahead and cut to three o'clock this afternoon.

I parallel park in front of Jared's space, load my arms with three fuzzy white penguins, three 36" electric candles, three 48" stockings for the store front window, one three-year-old boy, (are you following?), two-hundred-and-fifty twinkle lights, thirty-six feet of faux-pine garland, a trash bag full of roll-out snow, and a Seasons Greetings doormat.

I teeter into Jared's office, anxious to create my winter wonderland, and do you know what the man--oh, wait, excuse me--the five-foot-ten-inch turd has the nerve to say to me?! Wait for it...

I only want the doormat. The rest of the stuff is way too tacky.

I'm sorry, Dr. Lawson, come again?

Fine, I'll keep the penguins. No one will notice those.

Seriously, I'm not getting this.

This stuff is not appropriate for a health care practice.

Well I'm sorry, would you rather that I string some lights onto an enormous, plastic model of a vajango? Would that be more "medical" for you?

So, do you know what I did? Really folks, take a stab at my reaction.
Wait for it...

I took all of the "tacky crap" home and put it ALL OVER our house, inside and out--because seriously, why place an elegant candle on your window sill when you can duct tape a three-foot ginormous candle in it's place instead?

Why not bless this house with a thirty foot roll of faux snow?

And really, why shouldn't James have a stocking that's taller than he is? Why shouldn't our dog have enough usable stocking space to receive forty pounds of biscuits? Why shouldn't I be able to fit my entire grocery order into a large, festive holiday stocking? And why shouldn't Jared....oh....err...forget it, I only bought three. I guess my husband will have to make due with his eight ounce stocking for a few more years. Tough economy, ya know?

WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH A BATTERY OPERATED SNOW GLOBE THAT HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME SIZE OF MY HEAD?!?!

WHAT?!
...and here's a random, sideways video of James posing as a ghost in front of the snowy candle scene.

video

14 comments:

Katy said...

really like those candles. Whatev.

Brad and Rebecca said...

oh my... you def did the right thing. I probably would've dumped the stuff right at his feet and walked out the door....but yours is better...

Heather of the EO said...

You are just the very best kind of insane.

Grandma said...

Atta girl!Love that window!!! Love, Dad

Grandma said...

Now that explains the Scrooge comment! How's that doghouse out back Jared?!!!

Amylouwho said...

oh the humanity!

You know what would be great? Pipe some Mannheim Steamroller Christmas music into his office. ALL YEAR LONG.

RazZDoodle said...

Good lead paragraph. Unfortunately, my wife was reading over my shoulder and now I'm a 5'11" turd. Thanks a lot.

You should've bought the Leg Lamp from A Christmas Story and put it in the window. "It says 'Fragile'! It must be from Italy!'"

Nitmos said...

You were way out of line here. No animatronic Santas? Nothing says chiro care like a slowly rotating (and clearly stiff and misaligned) gear grinding robot.

Vanilla said...

I say you start sneaking "tacky" things into his office while he's not paying attention. Replace one of the lamps in the waiting area with one of those lamps that looks like a woman's leg.

Cheryl said...

What a party pooper that Doctor Lawson is! Sheesh! I love the giant stockings and candles.

Mrs Furious said...

" plastic model of a vajango"
You know who to come to if it turns out you need to get your hands on one! ;)

jkrunning said...

I would've put it up anyway, my hubby would've been too lazy to take it down.

Topher said...

Ok, just listened to the p'cast. Very, very funny, but I didn't expect anything less. However, I never would have guessed that's what your voice would sound like. Are you sure Chris the Marathon Angel wasn't one of the three Nephites?

MarionR said...

I'm surprised the good doctor is still has sporting 5ft 10 inches, meaning his head is still attached.

On the other hand: best revenge is more decorations. How's about one of those bobbing head Santa's with lights that "ho ho ho" to muzak?