Do you ever find yourself wrestling with the deep and difficult things? Thoughts like, "Well that's funny, I really don't remember marrying a five-foot-ten-inch turd six years ago...."?
Well I do.
Let's take today for example. Early this morning, I graciously offered to run James up and down the state of Maine, in a freezing downpour, to buy Christmas decorations for Jared's office. Jared's office you see, is on Main Street. And this Saturday, the Saturday after Thanksgiving, the city has organized a Christmas party--which, I should mention, will occur right in front of his practice.
To really plop a cherry on the free publicity we'll be offering free ten-minute massages, cookies, candy, drinks, blah, blah, blah. So obviously, the office could use some Christmas decor and cheer.
For the sake of the story, let's just go ahead and cut to three o'clock this afternoon.
I parallel park in front of Jared's space, load my arms with three fuzzy white penguins, three 36" electric candles, three 48" stockings for the store front window, one three-year-old boy, (are you following?), two-hundred-and-fifty twinkle lights, thirty-six feet of faux-pine garland, a trash bag full of roll-out snow, and a Seasons Greetings doormat.
I teeter into Jared's office, anxious to create my winter wonderland, and do you know what the man--oh, wait, excuse me--the five-foot-ten-inch turd has the nerve to say to me?! Wait for it...
I only want the doormat. The rest of the stuff is way too tacky.
I'm sorry, Dr. Lawson, come again?
Fine, I'll keep the penguins. No one will notice those.
Seriously, I'm not getting this.
This stuff is not appropriate for a health care practice.
Well I'm sorry, would you rather that I string some lights onto an enormous, plastic model of a vajango? Would that be more "medical" for you?
So, do you know what I did? Really folks, take a stab at my reaction.
Wait for it...
I took all of the "tacky crap" home and put it ALL OVER our house, inside and out--because seriously, why place an elegant candle on your window sill when you can duct tape a three-foot ginormous candle in it's place instead?
Why not bless this house with a thirty foot roll of faux snow?
And really, why shouldn't James have a stocking that's taller than he is? Why shouldn't our dog have enough usable stocking space to receive forty pounds of biscuits? Why shouldn't I be able to fit my entire grocery order into a large, festive holiday stocking? And why shouldn't Jared....oh....err...forget it, I only bought three. I guess my husband will have to make due with his eight ounce stocking for a few more years. Tough economy, ya know?
WHAT IN THE HELL IS WRONG WITH A BATTERY OPERATED SNOW GLOBE THAT HAPPENS TO BE THE SAME SIZE OF MY HEAD?!?!
...and here's a random, sideways video of James posing as a ghost in front of the snowy candle scene.