This is EXACTLY Why People Even Have Boobies....

December 5, 2008

My husband is one of those guys with a really crappy driving record. He tends to rear-end people while he's digging through the center console for chapstick, sometimes he forgets to wear his seat belt as he passes a cop car, and of course there was the time he was hauled to church in a set of handcuffs for criminal speeding.

Criminal speeding in Jared's case was defined as traveling 98 miles per hour in a 65 mile per hour zone. What can I say? That police officer must have had eyes like frikkin' laser beams to notice a minor infraction like that one. (Can you sense the sarcasm there?)

In case you're curious, the punishment for criminal speeding isn't so bad--a court date, a huge fine, temporary loss of driving privileges, and a hike in insurance rates. Oh, and I almost forgot, on employment applications, Jared has to check that pesky little box that says "I've been arrested for something other than a minor traffic violation. Really, I'm that awesome."

Like I said, not a big deal.

Today happens to be my birthday, so Jared decided to keep his afternoon free-of-patients and duck out of work early. Then he decided to drive 43 in a 25. Then he decided to call me and say, "Man Amy, I just got a speeding ticket for 185 bucks."

Apparently Jared didn't even show the officer his boobs to try and get out of his fine. And trust me, he's got some super cute little nipples.

Sometimes I wonder why I keep this man around. Sometimes I wonder.
Oh who am I kidding? I keep the guy around for his boobies.

31 comments:

Michemily said...

Well, I hope you'll be doing some crappy driving yourself on Jared's birthday. :) Have a good one.

jennie w. said...

Happy birthday!!! Hope you go someplace nice in your new slutty outfit!

Lindsey said...

Happy Birthday! I guess we all know what you'll be doing with YOUR birthday money! :)

RazZDoodle said...

A classic dilemma for me:

I don't know whether to say "happy birthday" or congratulate you on your husband's nipples.

Sarah said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Bahston Beans said...

Oh Jared, what a sweet birthday gift! Can you ask him if those "he went to Jared" commercials bug him extra special much because that's his name?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY!

Vanilla said...

I just wanted to say that I knew it was your birthday even before I read this... facebook is great for stuff like that.

Happy Birthday!

Mindy said...

Happy birthday!!!

I don't think I'd get anywhere showing a cop my boobies. He'd laugh in my face. In fact, Jared's boobies might be bigger than mine. ;) Sigh. Do you think I should get some fake boobies so I can get out of speeding tickets?

joolee said...

We should start a support group for wives of men whose speeding and parking tickets leave little money left over for necessary feminine hygiene products.

My husband's wreckless driving did manage to secure us the the title of Most Generous Surprise Party Gift Givers this summer. Our presence at a friend's party cost us close to 200 smackeroos. Happy Birthday to you!

In an unrelated matter, my crack is so gonna weigh less than your crack!!!

Smoochiefrog said...

Happy Birthday Amy!!!!

Sara said...

Keep the ticket so that you can wrap it up and give it to him on his birthday and then go buy yourself something really great to open today.

Hope you have a great day!

Stuffbymichele said...

Happy Birthday, Amy! I almost want to get pulled over to see if the boobie thing works. On second thought, I'd end up with a gay cop you'd probably just criticize my wardrobe.

Stuffbymichele said...

Oops, I meant who would...

Holly said...

Happy Birthday!

Jared owes you something really great. Like a boat, or a maid.

Also, if I lived by you, I'd bake you a cake.

Kita said...

Amy... Love your blog and have been reading it for some time. I am supper excited because we share the same BIRTHDAY!!! Happy Birthday to us.

Zach & Hannah Parris said...

Happy Birthday!

Nitmos said...

I tried to show my boobies once to get out of a ticket and I just ended up slammed to the hood of my car with a "disorderly conduct" charge. As luck would have it, that was NOT a felony.

Happy Bday.

Rachel said...

BAPPY HIRTHDAY!

Viv said...

Hope you have a wonderful birthday, Amy. Maybe if your lucky you can get some boobie action.

Cheryl said...

Ooooh, that's an expensive birthday present. Hope the rest of the day goes better. Happy Birthday, Amy!

Amylouwho said...

Happy Birthday! I'm a December Amy too - although i'm closer to Christmas.

And I wish mine would have gotten me out of my last speeding ticket. Stupid NC cop.

chattypatra said...

Amy, I can always count on you to leave disturbing images on my mind.

Thanks, and have fun showing Jared your fancy Beyonce moves tonight while wearing your slutty outfit...or not.

Michemily said...

Just for you: Beyonce and the classic Free Fallin'

http://djearworm.com/if-i-were-a-free-fallin-boy.htm

Jen R. said...

Happy Birthday! I'm the one who gets the tickets in my family...and my boobies have never helped. Of course, I'm always too shy to show em'

Amanda said...

Happy Birthday from an avid reader/stalker!

I love your blog!

Cameron said...

I just read Berta's comment and I am almost crying. HA!! I love your blog! Jared better get that lead foot looked at. It is late now, so I hope you had a happy birthday!

stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs Furious said...

Happy Birthday!!!

Loralee and the gang... said...

I'm sorry, but I noticed your link on Navel Gazing, and I couldn't resist the title of the post...funny story, especially since I am such a leadfoot! I'm going to slow down now...
:]

Heather of the EO said...

Happy Birthday!!!

My husband has a LOOONG list of driving infractions too. It's expensive.

I hope you had fun desptie all those wasted dollars. I'm glad you can forgive due to boobies.

Amber Ayres said...

happy (late) birthday Amy!