Knitting. And Other Hopeless Endeavors.

January 27, 2009

Guess what I don't like (aside from the fat, naked, hairy guy who keeps walking out of our refrigerator in my dreams).

Knitting. I really don't like knitting.

But guess what I do like.

Knitting with my friends, at a bar, with a giant plate of french fries, a couple slices of chocolate cake, and a long drawn out conversation about boyfriends. That's what I did last night.

I decided to work on a grey wool scarf for James--mostly because it sounds very small and very easy. Think about it--it's got to be super narrow, and short enough so my three-year-old can't inadvertently suspend himself from the ceiling fan. No problem, right?


When you suck at knitting everything is a problem.

I had three false starts, needles were flying all over that dang restaurant, and in all honesty, I came home with three inches of scarf to speak of. My friends on the other hand, each walked out with--I don't know--a super fancy lace sweater with six colors that was big enough to fit a 600-pound woman?

Seriously. They're far more adept than I'll ever be.

Maybe the fries are too distracting. Or maybe I've found the one thing on the planet that I suck at even more that I suck at swimming--and honestly, I never thought I'd see the day.

True story...

When we lived in Dallas, I decided to take a private swimming lesson at the YMCA with an instructor named Salvador. Sal started the lesson like this: So Amy, show me what you can do. So I stood there in the shallow end, blew some bubbles with my lips, splashed around with my arms a little bit, and showed Sal how I can easily pick up a full-grown Italian man when I'm in a swimming pool.

Sal was confused.

By the end of the lesson I was wearing a life vest, using a kick board, a floaty leg device, a pool noodle and I still couldn't swim to the other end of the pool all by myself.

Sal was like, "Kick, Amy, kick!"

And I was like, "Go to hell, Sal, go to hell!"

And well, that pretty much sums up my swimming career.

So last night I got home from knitting with my project hidden deeply in the corner of my bag--you know, the same place where I store all of my gum wrappers and parking tickets. Jared, being the sweet and supportive husband that he is anxiously said, "Soooo....let's see what you made!"

"Oh, it's nothing, I replied. I'll show it to you some other time."

"Oh come on, Amy! I really want to see your project," he continued.

"Fine." And I pulled it out of my bag.

Jared looked at my knitting, kind of squinted his eyes and cocked his head to the right. "Well look at that! It's a moon made out of yarn! That's really cool babe!"

Actually, it wasn't a moon made of out yarn at all.

"Well, it's supposed to be a scarf," I said. "For James."

"Oh, yeah! I can see that now! I love how it looks like a monster took a bite out of the corner down there. James is totally into monsters lately, he'll love that!"

And it wasn't a scarf with a monster bite either. It was supposed to be a rectangle. Just a plain old rectangle.

I explained this to Jared and he pulled me into a hug. "You kind of suck at knitting," he said into my ear.

He's right. But the fries were good!


Heidi said...

We had a Norwegian exchange student once who tried to convert us all to the church of knitting. I got excommunicated fairly quickly.

RazZDoodle said...

We need to start a drinking game. Every time you start a story with "When we lived in Dallas....", we take a drink. I'd be hammered within minutes.

Love the swimming story!

Sarah said...

Love it! Laughed so hard I had to spit my milk back into my cereal bowl!

Maraiya said...

I had a friend knit and the resulting project was "a thing of beauty" because you couldn't do anything with it other than stare at it.

Vanilla said...

Next time just be honest and tell your friends that you'd love to go to the bar and eat fries and watch them knit.

NorahS said...

If the fries were good and the conversation was good, who cares what the knitting looked like? I say keep at it on your knitting/fries/conversation nights and maybe you'll get the hang of it. If not, who cares? If it does grow to any length, he'll like it because YOU made it!

Just my two cents.

I can't swim either.

Cameron said...

Ha!!! I think Sal taught Nathanael swimming lessons too.

Katherine said...

that was my first knitting project, make a scarf for Ava. It started out good, but each row got wider and wider. then I stopped.

wendy said...

I cant Knit, crochet well, sew, cook, craft, or any other somewhat domestic female thing. SUCKS. I too would stick with the fries and chatting with friends. I "attempted" those things when my kids were very little in the hopes of becoming a successful mormon mommy ---screw it. It was more fun to get the sling shots and aim it at people walking down the street.

Grandma said...

You can blame me the words of your own grandmother when she was trying to teach me to crochet said "I have never seen anyone screw something up so badly!" Thanks for the vote of confidence Mom! When I was little I did know how to make little knit jackets for my Barbie, but when I got that afghan kit in my 20's and she was trying to show left-handed me how to do it, your Grandma got so frustratedw well, that was the end of it! My afghan ended at Barbie-size!

VICKI IN AZ said...

Hey funny story. The weather here in my town of Mesa has been consistently a balmy 80 degrees although for the next couple of days it will be in the 60-70 degree range cuz of some weather somewhere someone is having which we are not. Anyway, come see me, and we will discuss the book that you are going to write and I am going to promote. ♥♥

Karen said...

Kudos to your hubby for at least TRYING to figure out what you made!

Michemily said...

I think I've tried knitting twice and both times I decided it was way too difficult to be worth it. Crocheting is so much better. But then again, who has time for this stuff?

Morgan and Derek said...

I have had SEVERAL people try to teach me how to knit. I have failed every single time. It's okay. You don't have to be a good knitter. :)

Anonymous said...

OH MY HECK. So recently, i started to knit.. and i got halfway through my scarf and realized i don't have enough yarn for this thing. GAY. i started over lik 20 million times.

oh and i can't swim either. well i CAN i just can't go under without plugging my nose.

sad day.

Katy said...

Knitting sucks.

Rachel said...

I'm almost afraid to admit that I knit. Okay, so I can only knit those dishcloths, which I give out as gifts, to friends who let their children use them to cover up pretend reindeer poo (JOOLEE).

YOur blog lifts my spirits. It's like a warm blankie to cuddle up with on a cold night (I hope that didn't freak you out, but if it did, don't worry MN is a long way from ME.)

Our Little World said...

LOL. Funny. I didn't know about Sal. You should have shared!

Holly said...

I knitted a scarf once. It was about 3 feet too long and 5 inches wider at one end than the other. I put it in my daughter's dress up box. I guess she can pretend it's a snake or something.
I also suck at swimming. I will die if I ever fall in a large body of water without a life jacket.
On our honeymoon in Mexico my husband and I went snorkeling. I panicked and sucked water in through the snorkel, the stood up on a coral reef and got yelled at for destroying nature by a mean hairy Frenchman.
And what I meant to say was, I love your story!

Anonymous said...

Ha. I relate. I've been knitting a throw rug for a year. I have 3 badly done rows completed.

Cheryl said...

Sounds like it was a fun night, except for the knitting. Don't worry. Some of us can knit and crochet a little, but none of us is as funny as you!

Joy Through Cooking said...

Love it! And I have similar swimming stories... private lessons because they can only hold a 12 yr old back in hte 6 yr old swimming classes for so long...

Yeah there was a reason I ran... bc I sucked at everything else ;)

Anonymous said...

Very nice thanks for the sharing...........

The only Satellite Television Delivers the Best Value in Entertainment