I'm not sure why this is on my mind today, but two days before I got married an old boyfriend tried to stop the wedding.
Isn't that cool?
Seriously guys, it's awesome on a number different levels...
1) Call me crazy, but I think my ex-boyfriend was definitely still in love with me--and to this day, that's a major self esteem boost while I'm in the throws of my ugly moments.
So what if he's since married an ivy-league educated skinny blond girl from Hollywood Hills? I know, deep in my heart, that every time he passes a donut shop he feels a deep and desperate pang in his heart for the one and only Amy--because du-uh, most American boys won't admit this, but they like a little something to hang on to.
2) When Jared starts at me with his sanity-piercing nagging habit I like to wave my hands around in the air, call for silence, and say something like, "So what if I spilled some Slurpee on your side of the bed? Just be grateful that I didn't call the whole thing off."
Jared loves that.
3) When I have PMS and start to feel angry for no reason, Jared generally likes to ask me ridiculous questions like, "Amy. Why are you suddenly feeling angry for no reason?" Unlike most women, I have an excellent reply..."I'm not feeling angry for no reason, Jared. I'm feeling angry because Jennifer told me that Herb's in Hawaii. You only took me to WalMart today..." and I walk away shaking my head.
I know what you must be thinking: Amy, doesn't Jared get tired of hearing about this Herb fellow over and over and over again?
Well, no. No! Actually he doesn't. In fact, Jared likes to work Herb into our conversations every now and again, too.
ME: Oh my gosh, you're disgusting! Why'd you have sit on the toilet while I'm in the shower?!?!
JARED: Guess you should have married Herb.
ME: Dude, Jared, why'd you have to go and eat my last piece of leftover pizza?
JARED: Herb sounds like a really thoughtful guy. Maybe you should have married him.
ME: Well maybe I'll marry him after you die.
JARED: Yeah that's fine. I really don't care. Just let me eat your pizza in peace.
See? It's a win-win for both of us.
Now I say the Herb tried to "stop the wedding," and honestly, that might be a touch too dramatic. In all actuality, Herb tried to get the FedEx guy to stop the wedding.
My wedding was planned for the 3rd of August, and on the 1st the FedEx guys came to my parents' door with an overnight package from Los Angeles, California. I honestly had no idea what it was until I ripped open the envelope and a knight-in-shining-armor (plastic and four inches tall) tumbled into my hand.
"This," I thought, "can only be the work of one person." When I removed the letter, the scratchy handwriting immediately confirmed my suspicion--it was Herb. To be quite honest, I can't remember anything that letter contained...except for its tie-dyed paper and this line..."The thought of you marrying someone else makes me want to crawl out of my skin backwards."
"Well that's funny," I said to myself, "because the thought of you sleeping with Marcy McGee while we were still dating used to make ME want to crawl out of MY skin backwards."
Me and Herb, we could really relate to one another.
After I read the entire letter--which has since been lost (darn it)--I wasn't entirely sure how to react. I processed my feelings, and lo and behold, they turned out to be absolutely non-existent. I wasn't happy, sad, excited, confused, nothing. I just wanted to marry Jared. And I was still feeling annoyed that the place cards came out a little bit crooked.
I decided to do nothing.
And then my sister talked me out of it..."What if he flies in, shows up in his parents' mini-van, and messes the whole thing up?!"
She was right, I wanted no drama at my wedding, so I overnighted a letter back to him.
It was simple...none of the "Ten Reasons I'm Marrying Him Instead of You" stuff that some brides would resort to. Instead, I wrote something plain and straightforward. I can't remember exactly, but I think it said something like, "I'm really happy. Someday I hope you can find someone who compliments you as well and Jared compliments me."
I read it to my mother, I read it to my sister, and they both agree that it was appropriate.
But then, then!, I turned the page of stationary over and in the bottom righthand corner I wrote, in script so small that it was barely legible, "If you screw this up for me I will tell everyone we know that you have erectile dysfunction."
He never showed up.
Honestly, it's a true story.