Be Thou Reverent

February 16, 2009

Seven years ago, before Jared and I were married, I completely loved going to church.
Scratch that.

Seven years ago, before Jared and I were married, I completely loved being within a fifteen foot radius of that man.

I'm still not sure if it was his spiky hair, or his ever-so-slightly crooked teeth, or his Doc Martins that left me tripping over my words, but I was a twenty-one-year-old girl who was completely enamored with her brand-new, one-hundred-and thirty-pound fiance.

He waited tables at a high end restaurant. Hot.

He drove a really clean car with a Yakima ski rack on top. Hotter.

He even knew how to play ninety-seven different DMB songs on his black acoustic guitar. Hottest.

And, as if those factors weren't enough, Jared Lawson came dangerously close to doing anything I asked of him--anything.

"We should be grapes for Halloween," I'd suggest. "Purple or green," he'd ask? "I'll get some tights."

"Jared," I'd venture? "I wish I had some strawberry jello." And before I knew it, my husband-to-be was standing at my kitchen counter, unloading a Shop n' Save bag as he panted the words, "I wasn't sure if you wanted the powdery mix or the little lunch box cups, so I bought you three of each."

What can I say? The guy was a total and complete charmer--every cubic inch of him.

I especially loved Sundays. Jared was fresh off his two-year stint as a full-time missionary, and that kid could quote scripture like some kind of creepy religious Rain Man. On top of that, he seemed to know the harmony to every single song in the hymn book.

Righteous sexiness...it doesn't get any better than that.

One Sunday morning, as Jared was happily harmonizing during the opening hymn, I leaned over and whispered, "Sing as badly as you can, Jared. And maybe do it in a New York accent."

So he did. And it was terrible. And I was having the time of my freakin' life.

When we got to the second verse, Jared lapsed back into his old harmonic ways. "No," I muttered, "keep going!"

So he did, only louder this time.

By the time we reached the end of the song, Jared was belting it out at the top of his lungs--still in a New York accent. Even the oldest and deafest of ladies were working hard to stifle their giggles, because whoa, someone in that room was a horrible singer.

During the middle of the service, I scribbled a message on the back of a program, folded it in half, and slipped it over to Jared. He opened it up, glanced at his instructions, slid the note into the breast pocket of his suit, and nodded as if to say, "Absolutely, Amy. I'll accept your dare."

And he did.

When the organ music piped up, playing the introduction to the closing hymn, Jared Lawson audibly cleared his throat. Then, one full measure before the congregation began to sing, my fiance did. And it was loud, and bold, and still in that same New York accent.

It was too much. Every single member of the congregation--from the incapacitated old men to the Bishop and his counselors were noticeably resisting the sharp urge to break down laughing. I was snickering into the side of my purse, and our good friend Matt had to get up and excuse himself from the scene all together.

Thank goodness for the whole 'gift of forgiveness' thing, because whoa m'goodness, I was knee deep in sin that morning.

Seven years later, the dynamics of our relationship have shifted dramatically. Jared flat out refuses to wear any halloween costume ever--no exceptions. And the late night grocery store trips? I don't even waste my breath asking. But every now and again, if I catch him at the right moment, Jared will happily sing How Great Thou Art, out of tune, in his now-perfected New York accent.

He just watches his volume these days.

*******
I used a writing prompt as a jumping-off point for this post, and as a challenge to myself, I'll use a randomly generated prompt every Monday for the next six weeks.

If you like to write, why don't you try it, too? This week's prompt is: Why even sing? Write about a time when people were singing badly.

C'mon now, you can do it! It could be a drunken concert story, an elementary school choir story, or maybe an historical ladies night out!

If you'd like to participate, leave a link to your story in the comments section of this post. On Friday I'll write a post linking to every one's blog who decided to take a stab at it.

C'mon.....it'll be fun!

19 comments:

Laura said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Laura said...

Yeah, see, I call that false advertising. Kind of like "the guy" (*cough*mine*cough) who'd rub his fiance's back at any moment or bring her flowers or whip out his credit card when he was broke and she insisted she needed Olive Garden for dinner, and then within two months of marriage, he quit the massages, refused to go into debt and flowers? Are you kidding me? LOL!

P.S. Sorry about the deleted comment--I figured I'd fix the typos. It'd be nice if blogger would let us totally remove the evidence.

NorahS said...

Sooo funny. I used to love to sing off-key around my apartment in college but NEVER it church. That is hilarious!!!

Kimi said...

That is too funny! Amazing the power you have when they are still trying to win you over. I've accepted your writing prompt challenge... http://somanykidssolittletime.blogspot.com/2009/02/honest-to-fault.html

Michemily said...

I could imagine every single thing you wrote. Well done! And a "well done" to Jared as well.

12ontheinside said...

That is almost enough to make me start going to church. Hillarious.

Kelly said...

That is one hysterical story. Wow, what can I say? You two are definitely meant for each other. I imagine he still probably has the 'let me please you in anyway I can' bug in him...it's just gotten taken over by the 'mortgage, practice, kid, stress' bug. See? All you gotta do is ditch a place to live, posterity, and money and back comes the little gentleman. What a trade off...

Angela said...

Amy, I was letting my sister read your blog about Elder D, she just came home from her mission last week. She couldn't serve in Maine because we have family there, but she did know this Elder. You can tell him that Sister Rand says hi! She was dying laughing by the way...thanks!

Angela said...

I guess I should introduce myself, since I've been blog-stalking you! I grew up in ME and moved away right before your hubby moved in. We seem to know a lot of the same people on FB anyway... I found you through Megan T.'s blog and have been laughing my butt off ever since. Too bad you can't tell. :)

Mia said...

Totally a stalker, but I had to jump in this time. My husband has quite the "singing voice" and my family has made their opinions clear. So I wrote about it. Enjoy!

http://lifewithethan.blogspot.com/2009/02/john-sings.html

Michemily said...

Okay, Amy, I wrote a reply post. I also had a humorous story of my dad singing like different people in the ward, but somehow I decided for a more serious post.

http://michelleglauser.blogspot.com/2009/02/off-key-but-in-tune.html

Grandma said...

Hey Jared, w/ your NY accent you could do a religious version of "New York,New York"... Start spreading the "news".....

Minnie said...

Freaking side-splitting....

I love it.

Minnie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Patricia said...

http://patricia-randomrants.blogspot.com/2009/02/hymns.html

Cool prompt. I gave it a try.

Shelby Lou said...

ummmm i want to play. but i think i might be a tid tad too late. let me know next time. kk thanksbye

emily said...

I'll do it tomorrow! It's 12:12 AM so I'm sooo not doing it tonight. But tomorrow it is.

emilyssomething.blogspot.com

liza said...

Lurker here. I just want you to know that I couldn't stop laughing in the middle of singing time in Primary yesterday as I imagined you husband doing what he did. Thanks for the laughs.

Smarry said...

Very nice thank for the posting.............

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Smarry
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