Shake It, But Don't Touch It

February 17, 2009

Jared and I have been asked by a very important church official to chaperon a dance this Friday night. It's youth conference, so to sum in up for all of you non-Mormon readers out there, 70% of the squeaky clean LDS teenagers in the entire state of Maine will be in attendance--desperately fighting the urge to squeeze one anothers' back sides.

Just to mess with those kids, I'm planning to walk around all night with my hands tucked securely into Jared's back pockets. I'll probably spank him on the dance floor, too--you know, just to make 'em jealous.

Mormonism, you see, is straightforward and unbelievably strict when it comes to rules and regulations regarding ass slappage. If you're not yet married, it is, under no circumstances, ever permissible to fondle a bum of the opposite sex. Once you are married however, you're expected to have many children in few years, rendering your bum completely unattractive and somewhat repulsive to your spouse. The spouse is completely free to smack dat ass, but must understand the associated risks--namely undulation, ricochet, and its unique ability to slap you back.

On Sunday, Jared let me know that we had been asked to chaperon. "Are you up for it," he asked?

"Can I dress slutty," I wanted to know?

"No, Amy. It's Sunday best."

"Like Sunday at church? Or Sunday at a Nascar event? Because one calls for a dress and the other calls for a belly shirt and booty shorts."

"Dress modestly," he insisted.

"Fine," I said, "but I'm definitely doing really skanky make-up and hooker boots." He had no reason to argue with that.

We've also been charged with the task of making posters for the event. According to Jared's plan, we'll make three posters that say "Modest Girls are the Hottest Girls," three posters that say "Remember Who You Are," and three posters that say "Take Pride in Your Standards."

According to my plan, we'll make three posters that say "It's Cool to Spank Your Own Behind. Beyonce Does it All the Time," three posters that say "Keep Yer Damn Pants Zipped," and three posters that say, "If We Catch You Making Out, We'll Definitely Call Your Mother."

My ideas seem to have a little bit more oomph, don't you think?

So that's where we'll be on Friday night, and I absolutely can't wait...can't wait to reveal my brand new dance routine that is!

24 comments:

RazZDoodle said...

I'm trying to imagine how those posters would fly at the school that I teach.

Topher said...

Whoa Nelly, you guys are going to rock the casbah Friday night. Can't wait to read all about it.

joolee said...

My hubby is always smackin my a$$. I think he considers the associated risks "namely undulation, ricochet, and its unique ability to slap [him] back" a form of continuing education. He's gotta be alert and ready for whatever the insurance industry throws at him. Also, I think it helps with his video game response time. Dodge that a$$, boy!

Shauna said...

I am new here! What a great blog :)

Keli said...

I don't know if seeing you old married lady slapping your husbands rump would make them jealous....

And for the record, I totally made out with many, many boys at Stake Dances back in the day. I'm just sayin', you might want to use your posters for sure.

the MomBabe said...

yeah, but it's so easy to sneak out... you know, from the girl that went to a dance every week to make out with her boyfriends.

elesa said...

Gee, I would like a T-Shirt with the "It's Cool To Slap Your Own Behind..." thing on it. And maybe I will give one to all the Young Women in my ward on their birthday!

Michemily said...

Wow, do you want to chaperon the YSA conference this summer with 700 people?

Rachel said...

With great power comes great responsibility!

Jane @ What About Mom? said...

I think carrying around a screaming baby would be even more effective. Maybe have the kid wear a onesie with the "Keep yer damn pants zipped" slogan.

Minnie said...

Oh I can't wait. You MUST take a picure of you and give us full details.

V and Co. said...

you can only slap your own ass if you wear the outfit that beyonce wears in her video. and no i don't think that would be considered as a slutty outfit. go on, i tripple dog dare you.

Sarah said...

"Modest Girls are the Hottest Girls"

Lol. I'm sorry that made me giggle a lot. I'm not implying that it isn't true or that the opposite is true.. it just made me giggle :)

jennifer said...

"Mormonism, you see, is straightforward and unbelievably strict when it comes to rules and regulations regarding ass slappage."

Having read that sentence my day is complete. I am turning off my computer and folding the mountain of laundry I have been ignoring for blog-reading.

Cause it just doesn't get any better than that.

And the 'repulsive a$$ after marriage' happens to non Mormons too. I would post a pic but you would urp.

Cheryl said...

I keep thinking about your big party when Jared graduated. You got all dressed up and then MOONED Dallas! I'm wondering if there will be any such goings on at this dance?
Can't wait to hear all about it!

Julie K said...

Hey Amy, long-time first-time. My 3 year old just wandered by as I was reading this post and saw your picture and was concerned that you didn't have any hands. I wanted to reassure him you HAVE hands, they just aren't in the picture. (We also have this problem with books--apparently illustrators aren't aware of how literal small children can be.) And so you do have hands, right? Enjoy your dance--I'll take Jr. Primary sharing time any day!

Grandma said...

that's my girl...go for it!

Jes said...

I really, really hope your new dance routine is a copy of Beyonce's Single Ladies video, which I'm still trying to master. I'm pretty sure that routine + hooker boots = pure geniusness, but I was never really good at math.

If you could send me one of the Spank Your Own Ass posters when you're done with them that would be awesome! I wanna hang it above my bed.

Heidi said...

Posts like this one are the reason I worship you, Amy Lawson.

Ass slappage rules and regulations--so classic.

Shelby Lou said...

oh my holy heck that would be the best youth conference dance eva! seriously come to my town and go to the YSA dance... i want the beyonce poster in my room

oh and was it you that said you cuss for effect? or am i imagining that because i do it too... you know to make my point.

Laura said...

Clearly I'm behind on my blog reading, but I really hope you made "Modest Girls are the Hottest Girls." I know it was Jared's idea but it's by far my favorite.

Miranda said...

OK...so give us the scoop...how did the dance go?

P.O.M. said...

Ahhh... the good ol' Mormon Dances. I used to love going to those and I'm not even Mormon. But those Morm boys were oh so cute.

So, how did it go??? Did you catch anyone doing anything shady???

Smarry said...

Very nice thank for the posting.............

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