February 17, 2009
Jared and I have been asked by a very important church official to chaperon a dance this Friday night. It's youth conference, so to sum in up for all of you non-Mormon readers out there, 70% of the squeaky clean LDS teenagers in the entire state of Maine will be in attendance--desperately fighting the urge to squeeze one anothers' back sides.
Just to mess with those kids, I'm planning to walk around all night with my hands tucked securely into Jared's back pockets. I'll probably spank him on the dance floor, too--you know, just to make 'em jealous.
Mormonism, you see, is straightforward and unbelievably strict when it comes to rules and regulations regarding ass slappage. If you're not yet married, it is, under no circumstances, ever permissible to fondle a bum of the opposite sex. Once you are married however, you're expected to have many children in few years, rendering your bum completely unattractive and somewhat repulsive to your spouse. The spouse is completely free to smack dat ass, but must understand the associated risks--namely undulation, ricochet, and its unique ability to slap you back.
On Sunday, Jared let me know that we had been asked to chaperon. "Are you up for it," he asked?
"Can I dress slutty," I wanted to know?
"No, Amy. It's Sunday best."
"Like Sunday at church? Or Sunday at a Nascar event? Because one calls for a dress and the other calls for a belly shirt and booty shorts."
"Dress modestly," he insisted.
"Fine," I said, "but I'm definitely doing really skanky make-up and hooker boots." He had no reason to argue with that.
We've also been charged with the task of making posters for the event. According to Jared's plan, we'll make three posters that say "Modest Girls are the Hottest Girls," three posters that say "Remember Who You Are," and three posters that say "Take Pride in Your Standards."
According to my plan, we'll make three posters that say "It's Cool to Spank Your Own Behind. Beyonce Does it All the Time," three posters that say "Keep Yer Damn Pants Zipped," and three posters that say, "If We Catch You Making Out, We'll Definitely Call Your Mother."
My ideas seem to have a little bit more oomph, don't you think?
So that's where we'll be on Friday night, and I absolutely can't wait...can't wait to reveal my brand new dance routine that is!