For the Love of a Towel

March 21, 2009

We don't live in the middle of nowhere, but I really wouldn't say we live in the middle of somewhere either. Given our geographic location, you could almost guess that trash pickup is not provided by our little town of 4,000. As such, this leaves families like mine with two options. You can either a) haul your trash to the dump yourself, or b) hire someone to haul your trash to the dump for you.

When we first moved into our house and heard about option b, it sounded completely extravagant to ears like mine. "Hire someone to haul our trash? That sounds expensive," I thought.

And then the trash man knocked on our door. His name is Bruce, he drives a pickup truck with homemade plywood sides, and he charges $3 a week. On the other hand, maybe we could afford a little extravagance in our lives. I hired him on the spot. We sealed the deal with a handshake (no credit check required), and he took our trash that day.

For the price he charges, I've got to say that Bruce provides exemplary customer service. He doesn't ask me to put our trashcans on the curb, or even in the driveway. As long as I open the garage door , Bruce is more than happy to empty my cans one by one, and return them to their designated spots. Then he sorts my recycling and leaves the bin by my door--you know, so I don't forget to put it back into my kitchen.

He takes carpet, he take scrap metal. He'd probably take a live, rabid wolf to the SPCA and never charge an extra cent for it.

I love Bruce. And so does James. Wouldn't you, too?

Trash day is Saturday, and when I forget to open the garage door, Bruce rings the doorbell, waits, and happily provides a reminder. "Up n' at 'em," he kids, admiring my weekend bedhead.

But of course, since the Good Lord tells us that there's opposition in all things, there are many Saturday mornings when I plain old wish that Bruce wasn't so damn devoted to the art of picking up trash.

Like today.

As usual, I forgot to open the garage door, and it's plainly obvious that someone is home this morning. I think the clear view of the three-year-old watching inappropriate cartoons through the storm door gives it away.

So there I am, singing some J-Lo and lathering up my lady parts in the shower when I heard to doorbell ring.

"Sh*t," I thought. And the doorbell rang again.

"Super sh*t," I said out loud. And the mother lovin' doorbell rang again.

I knew, full well, that Bruce's superior customer service skills would not allow him to give up until my son's urine-soaked nighttime pull-ups were resting securely in the bed of his truck.

I stepped out of the shower and heard James saying, "My mom is in da shower. I will go and get her for you." And just like that, James whipped open the bathroom door, exposing my condition to the entire neighborhood through two picture windows and the sidedoor. One false move and the trash man would see me in all of nature's glory, and unfortunately, closing the door fell into the "false move" category.

"James," I said, "get Mommy a towel and close the door." Being the obedient, well-mannered child that he is, James ran away, screaming like a banshee, ignoring my request.

Excellent.

I scanned the bathroom, and thanks to my chronic lack of prior preparation, the only thing in reach that even resembled a towel was a bathmat--certainly not substantial enough to cover my ass, which has expanded to the size of Idaho in recent months.

"JAMES! YOU WILL GET YOUR MOTHER A TOWEL IMMEDIATELY," I howled. Following it up with, "Be right there, Bruce," int the sweetest voice I could muster.

So I did what any right minded woman in my situation would do. I tore down the vinyl shower curtain liner, wrapped it around my naked self five or six times, and casually and confidently walked out to answer the door--curtain rings and all.

"Hi Bruce," I said, looking like some kind of giant ecru burrito with soap on top. "Let me get the garage door for you." And I shuffled through the mudroom out into the garage.

I pressed the button, and the garage door opened to reveal Bruce, snickering like a school girl. "Sorry," he said. "I knew you was home cause of the little guy. But I had no idea that you was in the showah."

"Oh that's no problem," I replied, dismissing the situation with a little flick of my hand. "No problem at all," and a shower curtain hook pinged against the tile. "Have a nice day!"

I shut the door and shuffled back to the bathroom, completely humiliated. During my walk of shame, I firmly locked eyes with my son and said, "You will sit in timeout until you're a grownup!"

He looked at his feet, said, "I know Mommy," and collapsed onto the floor in a raging fit of toddler giggles.

So far, I'd have to say that this weekend is off to an excellent start.

31 comments:

Michemily said...

I don't know how you do it. You are so talented at getting into hilarious situations. I'm not sure I'm jealous, but I'm glad, because they make me smile every time.

Sarah said...

oh, i totally needed this laugh today!!!! thanks for sharing :D HILARIOUS!

Grandma said...

I completely lost it when I got to ecru burrito....I'm mailing you a bathrobe to keep under the sink in there:))

Heather said...

You're the greatest. Seriously. Hysterical!!!

Mindy said...

I'VE got a raging fit of the toddler giggles now... it's just a good thing your shower curtain isn't see-through. It isn't, right? Right? ;)

wendy said...

Oh man, you make me laugh so hard. ALL.. THE...TIME....

Rachel said...

Mine's bordering on the size of Montana but I'm dreaming of having an a** the size of Rhode Island. A girl can dream, can't she?

Karen said...

I betcha Bruce is hoping you forget to open your garage doors every Saturday morning from now on.

Gina Lee said...

Woot Woot Idaho!

jennifer said...

You get mother of the year. Mere threats of life long time out shows your Ninja like skills of control.

JojaJogger said...

Way too funny! Thanks for the laughs.

Hurricanehol said...

Hopefully with the free show he refunded you the $3!

Practically Perfect In Every Way said...

that is awesome!!! you are a trooper!
btw: i would say that you and bruce are even for services rendered or today.

Practically Perfect In Every Way said...

ps. i would get bruce his own garage door opening at this point!

pam said...

are you serious? you are one crazy lady :) thanks for the laugh!

ClumberKim said...

There had to have been a couple of "ayuh"s in there too. Maine breeds Bruces. Gems, all.

Heather of the EO said...

I'm sorry you've experienced humiliation again (OK, I'm not REALLY because it was a good story), but I'm also happy to hear that my near four year old is not the only one with soaked nighttime pull-ups.

turtle said...

I wondered why there was a photo of a shower curtain! hahaha, NOW I know!

Maybe you'll get a trash-man discount?!

sherijung said...

This story just brings to mind the Carol Burnett Gone with the Wind skit--you are too young to have seen it probably.

susette said...

I'm coming over from Mormon Mommy Blogs, asking for your help. I am in the running for a round trip airfare paid ticket to Connecticut, to meet a friend I became acquainted with through blogging. She is a super fun person and is holding this contest. I entered a funny story titled "Grapejuice Floaties, Now Marry Me." The person whose story receives the most votes will win a trip to meet this generous lady, whom I'm hoping to meet. The voting ends tonight-midnight. I used to be ahead but there is a story coming up from behind out of nowhere, and it's a tight race now. I would so much appreciate your help. Her blog is www.becausemomsaidso.blogspot.com and the voting is on the sidebar on the right. "Grapejuice, Floaties" Just go there and cast a vote for me, please. Thanks so much-you're awesome! ♥♥

susette said...

I'm coming over from Mormon Mommy Blogs, asking for your help. I am in the running for a round trip airfare paid ticket to Connecticut, to meet a friend I became acquainted with through blogging. She is a super fun person and is holding this contest. I entered a funny story titled "Grapejuice Floaties, Now Marry Me." The person whose story receives the most votes will win a trip to meet this generous lady, whom I'm hoping to meet. The voting ends tonight-midnight. I used to be ahead but there is a story coming up from behind out of nowhere, and it's a tight race now. I would so much appreciate your help. Her blog is www.becausemomsaidso.blogspot.com and the voting is on the sidebar on the right. "Grapejuice, Floaties" Just go there and cast a vote for me, please. Thanks so much-you're awesome! ♥♥

Chase's Moma said...

OMGosh! You are hilarious! I can't quit laughing at the image of you walking around in a shower curtain! Don't you love this toddler stage! Joy

kOrTnI said...

Dear Lawsons,

I must say that your unfortunate circumstances and unique situations that you tell in perfect story teller manner are quite enjoyable and give us readers a good laugh!
Thanks for sharing.

Anita said...

I'm one of your blog stalkers and you brighten my day, everyday! I even print off some of your more memorable posts and send them to my missionary (everyone needs a good laugh now and them). Keep them coming!

Kiza said...

I have never heard (or read) anybody saying 'super sh*t'.... and I don't even swear (in most situations). But I certainly will think it! So funny.

Maraiya said...

At least your shower curtain wasn't one of those clear jobs. Bruce might have hauled your trash for free!

chattypatra said...

Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Did James tell Jared the story himself, or did you do it? LOL.

Our Little World said...

OH my gosh! That is hilariously embarrassing!

Amy said...

I took a 3 week vacation from blog reading, and yours was one of the only blogs I missed. So glad there was so many excellent posts to welcome me back!

Jes said...

Oh I love your blogs! Thank you!

Smarry said...

Very nice article thanks for the sharing...........

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Smarry
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