The Lawsons do Church

June 1, 2009

If you ever happen to be passing through Maine in search of a deep, spiritual experience, please, please, please do your best to satiate the urge by hugging a tree or something--not by sitting behind us in church. I don't know what it is, but my little family possesses the uncanny ability to send the Holy Spirit running from a room faster than the devil himself on propane powered roller blades.

Take this past Sunday for example, when James slyly inserted a yellow highlighter and a bic pen into each of his nostrils, stood on the pew, faced backwards, and displayed his accessories for approximately 70% of the congregation to take in.

Most of them seemed to enjoy the show. Some of them clearly did not.

This, I should mention, all happened after James piped up during the preliminary meditative part asking, "Mom? Can I pee on dat pwant over dere?"

"No," I whispered. "If you need to pee, I'll take you to use the potty."

"Well," he half-shouted, "is it okay if I poop on dat pwant instead?"

To which I replied, "James, do you know what a spanking is?"

To which he replied, "Don't spank me, Mommy. Spank my monkey instead," as he held up the miniature plush monkey from his Noah's Ark playset.

Really now, please don't sit behind us. For the benefit of everyone, we seem to need our space.

22 comments:

RazZDoodle said...

If I pass through Maine, wouldn't I be in the ocean?

Just sayin'.

Sarah said...

NO. No that did not really happen! Would have paid money to be there!

carrie said...

Spank my monkey!? Priceless.

Mindy said...

Oh my. I'm laughing today! I think I WANT to sit behind you... church would NEVER be boring again! ;)

Vanilla said...

Well it could have been worse.

I personally don't have any idea how it could have been worse but it seemed like a good thing to say.

Wild Banks' said...

I would travel cross country to get to sit behind you! If the entertainment value isn't enough to make it worth it, at least I'd be safe in the fact that MY kids wouldn't be the ones getting all the attention- handing out (and collecting) hymn books or cheerios to everyone. Sneaking onto the stands to direct music, during the talks. Or trying to remove thier clothes to show their friend (across the room) thier new Thomas the Tank Engine underwear.

Bahston Beans said...

Just imagine when he has a younger sibling and is actually competing for attention. The possibilities seem endless.

Our Little World said...

Now I know why Brandon was cracking up while reading this!

Lauren said...

My brother threw up in church on more than one occasion. Only once in the pew. After that, my mom hauled him outside as quickly as possible the second he got an 'I look sick' look on his face. I think most people understand. Well, maybe they don't understand why your son wants to poop in a plant...

Jimmy said...

Thank you for this! I complain about my five girls and their behavior in public places. Last week my 4 year old said out loud about my 11 year old, "Kylie has half-way boobs." All things are relative. Now after reading your story, that doesn't seem quite as bad.

Chase's Moma said...

LOL! Thanks! I needed that!

Omgirl said...

I check in on our blog now and then, and I always wish it was more often. You crack me up!

V and Co. said...

of crap amy, now i have to change my shorts again. spank my monkey! niiiiiice.

pam said...

lol! ahhh, stress relief. . . thank you JAMES!

katieo said...

yeah, that's us too.
times three.

(Like, "Hey Mom! I think that rash on my penis is back!!" just the kind of thing you wanna hear while striving for enlightenment.)

I always apologize to whatever poor souls are sitting behind us before the meeting. Well actually, it depends on who it is, some people I can just smile and say, "you're welcome."

Minnie said...

I may have had a stroke from trying to contain my laughter.

X-Country2 said...

If little kids are going to be chatty in church, I applaud the funny ones. :o)

Diana from Dallas said...

oh, the wisdom of children....

Grandma said...

oh don't tell me!

Cheryl said...

I'm with Mindy. I WANT to sit behind you in church! Sounds like tons 'o fun. When is James' next performance?

Bethiej said...

Thank you for this Amy...I needed it after my child was sent to the "Time Out" chair at school and decided it would be a good idea to flip the chair over instead of sitting on it...and laugh maniacally.

Smarry said...

Very nice ........... thank you for sharing your nice feelings..........

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Smarry
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